Not knowing made me anxious
made me prudent
carefully made me stop
brake for taking a break
for my own mind's sake
I crop
for health with stealth
It forbade me to
froze me, paralyzed, a ghost
It made me lose it, almost
though I never really won,
still I never lost
not knowing

it's during that awful time of semi-consciousness
while my mind is still riding that razor line
between this world and the one in my mind
where my soul lays bare to unflinching introspection
that my stomach clenches into a knot tied tight
my heart races then stops while lungs struggle for air
and every mistake i continue to make drags
their wretched ******* fingernails across my eyes
i recoil from my self sick of the battered skin i'm in
fighting the urge to choke on false hope and failing
while sickly sweet desperate promises for change
spill from my mouth like ***** past my cracked lips
and i know i'm still alive because i'm not dead yet

Life is bitter sweet, though always there for the most delicate moments
Through the short bursts of truth that will leave you cold on the bathroom floor
covered in shaving foam and your own blood
The spinning record that tells you to cut your hair and to give up on her
It doesn't have that B-side you wanted  
Yes, life is Bitter sweet
Said the cab driver on the way to hospital
A close call was not enough
To hide that family secret
But bandages hid it well enough
Velvet linens and a torn Hallmark card must have made the day
After a promise to be polite
a swallow of another aspirin and a bus ride home
try another dose of razorblades until there are no more feelings left

You were never the kind
Of person
Who could
Get comfortable, who could settle down.
I felt the uprooting.
You set fire to this house
You let the smoke rise,
Before you warned me of danger.
Only when you were safe,
Could I be warned.
By then it was too late.
I had already suffocated.

I have been dreaming during the day
And sleeping at night
The sleep is to make the dream eternal

Wake
Up

You have to dream

Seducing
         making
                     love
paralyzing
         hope
                    reality
genetically
          pre
                    disposed
as a candle
          waves
                    in a breeze
trees sway
          back
                    and forth
grass
          greens
                    in rains
tears
         fall
                    in pain
days
         run
                    together
haste
        denies
                    today
sneakily
        at the portions
                    of reality
where a soul
is
  created.