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Jul 2019 · 108
explanations
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2019
why is that girl over there
surrounded by the darkness of the clouds?
she can’t feel but she can still taste
the blue, wondering who
the unspoken words
will melt into.
if i could read her mind, i bet
she’s thinking of the roof of her school
look down upon people wrapped in gold,
the roof that will be the end of her.
she’s thinking of jumping into
the blue ocean she drowns in,
making a tiny splash that no one will notice,
swimming away, floating away,
slowly.
and on her last day,
she will find the answer she’s been looking for,
because it has been right in front of her,
at the edge of the roof, the entire time.
she will let the wind carry her away as she falls,
nothing to stop her but the concrete she lands on.
tell me why, give me a straight answer, give me a reason why i should stay away
Samantha Nguyen Mar 2019
her
eyes bear into my
soul but she looks
at him like he is
dessert.

she
smiles. then
he smiles.
and i “smile”.
grimace.

hello, she
says. hello,
he says.
hello, jealousy.

i can’t believe it’s true.
me? jealous?
hahahahahahahahahaha.
yes.
Mar 2019 · 120
we can’t find parking
Samantha Nguyen Mar 2019
i don’t even know how we got here.
we’re lost, out of control,
being driven crazy.

i still dream of a boy
that i used to know.
now i’m stuck looking
for a place to fit in.

can’t find a place and
now i’m late.
we walk in looking
like we just had a make-out session.

but actually, that’s just because
we tried to run one mile
in two minutes. honestly,
i thought this would work.

but you ran ahead.
why didn’t you wait for me
to catch up?
now every spot is taken
no space
left for
me.
one life in these two minutes
Feb 2019 · 237
the gift you are to me
Samantha Nguyen Feb 2019
you are a box
that i open.
a gift
that i receive.
and it's all mine.
          (...i think...)
i can put more love into the box
and let things pile up inside.
i can bury all my pain inside
and all my fears will be hidden.
          (...but they won't go away...)
one day we won't like each other anymore.
we'll have to move on.
that means taking back everything that's mine.
but all the pain and sadness
can't be given back.
i have made use of it
and it's now mine.
this poem was written in october
Feb 2019 · 200
suicide note in love letter
Samantha Nguyen Feb 2019
friend a,

          how are you.
          i am
          fine.
          today i made a new
          friend.
          he walks me home
          and he is in all
          my classes.
          his name is
          depression
          and for my birthday
          he said he’ll buy
          me
          pills.

                    love,
    ­                me
Samantha Nguyen Oct 2018
it's always worse than it seems.
there are so many smiles everyday
but you can never know whose world is upside down.
it's just easier to smile than explain why i'm sad.
and this depression is like a prison
that makes me both the prisoner and the jailer.
i guess death seems more inviting than life does.
Oct 2018 · 560
slander
Samantha Nguyen Oct 2018
"are you okay."
am i okay.          
"are you okay."
why does it always seem to rain on me.
these little words of condolence
are the words that rain down          
and leave me drenched and wet.
i just want to feel okay again.                    
but every time someone asks me if i'm okay,
it reminds me that i'm not
Oct 2018 · 457
apply what you know to life
Samantha Nguyen Oct 2018
i told myself that it was you.
you were the one who would make me happy.
                    now you're gone.
          ("some people can stay in your heart
           but not in your life")
and that's when i learned,
          don't fall in love.
                    fall off a bridge,
          i think it hurts less
Oct 2018 · 4.2k
your violin
Samantha Nguyen Oct 2018
i am sitting here missing you,
wishing you would put me back in your hands
and play me.

slide your bow across my strings,
make beautiful music come from me.

because when you play me,
i am not just a piece
of wood, painted
and glossed to perfection,
but i am more
humane.
Aug 2018 · 5.3k
amen
Samantha Nguyen Aug 2018
“for our political leaders,
may they resolve their differences
that plague our planet,” the speaker says.
(“lord hear our prayer,” everyone but me says.)
i look up at the priest.
he sits at the altar with his eyes closed.
is this so he can’t see my shaking hands.
does he think he can hide my pain.
“for those who have died,
may they find peace in heaven
with our lord god and jesus christ.”
(“lord hear our prayer,” is what i don’t say.)
they think they can hide my pain,
thinking things will get better.
but that doesn’t mean the pain is gone.
it’s just that no one can see it.
they never will.
“for those who starve for love
and have hunger for another soul,
may they no longer be lonely.”
(and i finally say, “lord hear our prayer.”)
i miss the taste of your lips
and feeling your arms around me.
but i will always be hungry and lonely.
my only companion will be loneliness.
it’s all my fault.
i made a million promises and mistakes.
but those broken promises and mistakes
is what makes up me now.
you gave to me and i can’t give back.
lord hear my prayer.
amen.
Aug 2018 · 1.9k
what she sees
Samantha Nguyen Aug 2018
this is it,
the downfall of our empire that took so long to build.
it’s over.
while the music of defeat is playing,
the princess can’t hear the beautiful, sad melody.
all this girl hears is noise.
she walks through the ruins of her empire.
has this happened because of her mistakes.
slowly, it begins to rain.
but this rain is nothing compared to her tears.
her senses aren’t working properly. she can only see.
she sees the hatred in your eyes.
your stillness that sets her off.
your expression reveals anger.
some things she can’t see right now.
the princess doesn't see her mistakes.
she can’t see what pain she caused you.
but what she will see eventually is another girl in your arms.
she’s prettier than the princess and doesn’t lie to you.
she will keep all your secrets and make you happy.
she won’t make mistakes and she’ll be perfect.
she won’t be the broken princess, she’ll be your princess.
the invisible girl will see that she wasn’t worth it
and she’s going to run and not stop till she finds someone who wants her.
even if it means leaving home and everything behind.
one day later she sees a white rose.
it has been torn by the rain and withered.
life and beauty has left it.
when the shattered girl will see you,
she can see all the life and beauty in you and your new princess.
the destitute girl will envy your princess.
Aug 2018 · 7.1k
she did this/to us
Samantha Nguyen Aug 2018
"heavy breathing/hot breath.
hands touching/warm skin.
why did i do this."

i had to stand on the tips of my toes
just so i could reach your lips.
arms encircled me, keeping me safe.
this can't be real.

"we looked into each other's eyes
and her breath still lingers on my skin.
i shiver.
she clung to me tightly, as if she was scared."

i have ruined the best thing that has happened to me.

"she had to tell everyone of this.
this was meant for us only.
why share this moment with the world.
why did i let her do this.
she's already happy, playing me like a game of cards.
one mistake turned into regret."

i'm so sorry.
this secret was something i couldn't bear.
carrying the weight like atlas.
your body was my map that my finger traced,
leading me to a secret location.
i have revealed its existence.

"those eyes that i thought were innocent
have become guilty (i was betrayed).
how could i live with this."

i wanted you.

"she wanted to use me."

i'm sorry.

"she'll say sorry as much as she wants; she'll pay."

'one mistake turned into regret.'

"keep apologizing, that isn't the price i want."

i'd do anything.

"she wouldn't do anything.
she's got other guys.
****.
find someone you actually love."

but you're the one i want.

"i might as well end it here/there's no reason to live."

there are plenty of reasons.

"i don't see her as a reason."

i can still feel your breath on me.
as i cry at the little reminders of you.
when it's night, i wish you were next to me.
but who would want to be with me.
i'm a spoiled, selfish, lying girl.

"i want out."

no, i want out.

"she has ruined me."

just give me a second chance.

"this was supposed to be our moment, not the world's.
what happened wasn't us."

but what if it's us.
what if it's us and only us.

"i know i hurt her, but she also hurt me.
i can't pretend this didn't happen.
pretending would let her off the hook.
she needs to know."

then let's make a promise to us.
let's start over
and not pretend.
Jul 2018 · 38.0k
dubious
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
can you promise me
that you won’t commit suicide.
so there will be a
          slight chance that you’ll
          inhabit my future.
we could do amazing things together.
                    (...make happy memories and
                    have fights that will be made up…)
it’ll be a great story to tell our children—
          (a great story indeed).
i promise that you’ll be satisfied—
          (you’ll be satisfied).
i don’t care about the hugs and kisses.
                    (...that’s not love…)
          (definitely not love.)
love is being with who makes you happy.
          (you make me very happy).
i promise that you’ll be happy—
          (i’ll make a million promises).
                    (...that will be kept…)
but can you promise that there will be a future.
          for there to be a future,
          you must stay alive.
                    (...don’t die, i love you…)
Jul 2018 · 6.0k
gladden
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
when we are kissing
          (i’m pressed against your chest
          your arms around me).
i spin. not with confusion but with joy.
like a dancer spinning along with music.
you’re the music that winds me.
can you make me your princess.
          (love me, satisfy me).
i can be a beautiful girl
in a cute dress that you’ll run you hands over.
i could feel your skin,
          (my hands slip under your shirt)
my prince.
we can’t get in trouble
                    (...no worries…)
since we have the power.
          (“excused.”)
it’ll be okay.
princesses don’t get in trouble.
          (it’ll all change once i’m queen
          and you’re king).
i’m only queen so you could be my king.
assuage me/ answer me/ gratify me.
Jul 2018 · 11.3k
papillon
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
sometimes things that are so amazing, so wonderful…
can confuse me.
the emotions fog up the window
          (my brain is clouded with thoughts)
when the fog clears, there are beautiful
blue butterflies flying around
          (um...how’d they get there.).
that’s what confuses me.
could those be the same butterflies
from my stomach that
          makes me nervous around you.
or are they a pigment of my imaginations,
feelings that aren’t true and made up.
(a soft warning of pain to come)
(an assurance of how beautiful i really am)
(a demon ready to devour me)
what is it.
i name this little blue—
confusion.
she’s beautiful but quiet.
maybe i need her company.
eventually the truth will hit her
instead of hitting the window
          (my brain is a pane of glass).
you can leave this dungeon, papillon.
fly! fly away with your gratefulness!
be free!
          (my imagination runs wild
          like these butterflies)
freedom awaits.
Jul 2018 · 6.8k
shakespeare's tragedy
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
we kissed.
"are you happier now." you said.
nobody's ever going
to
          love
                    me.
but at least sadness doesn't devour me as easily.
i got thoughts to banish the
          sadness
and
                    pain.
the only thing i've ever wanted was for someone to love me.
it's a tragedy.
this is a love story that will end like r + j.
but unlike shakespeare, my brain isn't dead.
i will fight for love like the capulets and montagues.
i will die for this love to last.
and i will do anything just to make you happy.
but yet,
                    i'm
still
          not
loved.
it's impossible for someone like him, my romeo whose eyes are darker than the night sky,
to fall for a vulnerable juliet, who on the inside is a weak, emotionless girl who doesn't ever
get
what
she
wants.
when will you love me.
Jul 2018 · 679
only us
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
i am living in a world
where there is no peace.
there are so many people who hurt me,
who want to hurt me,
who will hurt me.
they exist around me and make me cry.
but when i’m with him...
we are the only people who exist.
my reputation has disappeared.
my pain has subsided.
my past doesn’t matter.
i feel loved because of him.
but the truth comes out.
he doesn’t really love me.
Jul 2018 · 2.1k
the world is full of lies
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
promises can turn into lies.
dreams and hopes can turn into lies.
when i thought i found what i wanted,
it was a lie.
all the lies crashed in as a wave and broke me down with painful memories.
each time i try to rebuild,
i am broken down again.
that’s why i hate the beach
since the icy water just breaks me
the same way his eyes and lies
break me.
keep lying to yourself, keep breaking me.
Jul 2018 · 839
a promise to myself
Samantha Nguyen Jul 2018
"surround yourself with those that make you happy"
i have made a promise to myself.
i will try to be happy from now on.
i will make myself happy
and nobody will put me down.
no more pain.
no more pain.
everything will be better.
you can learn to let go.

good luck with that, sam.
but thanks, blake :)
Jun 2018 · 523
rock wall part two
Samantha Nguyen Jun 2018
this was the place where we had meetings.
we hugged for the first time here.
i wish i could've stopped time at that moment.
now here i am crying.
the ground is burning.
i've sat in the sun for half an hour (it's summer)
my heart is burning.
i am in love.
i am in love.
this wall cannot hide the flames.
i
     burning
am
     hot
in
     flames
love.
Jun 2018 · 454
rock wall part one
Samantha Nguyen Jun 2018
sit down on the wood chips and
cry
sob
weep.
my tears are matches that will set the ground aflame.
i can't stop thinking: i love him.
a wall is behind me.
i want to make the wall surround me
to form a room with no door, no escape.
trap me.
i don't care.
the place has so many memories.
lock me with the memories.
they'll be painful.
but that's what i want.
hopefully they stab me.
take me.
ruin me.
**** me.
help me.
the rock wall is the place i feel safe. the place where i want to stay in forever. except, i can’t. i don’t own it.
Jun 2018 · 944
broken down by pain
Samantha Nguyen Jun 2018
pain broke me down into a million pieces.
it's amazing how pain is still one piece.
i thought we'd look good together.
like something that'd look good on a college application.
but you hurt me, broke me,
and my heart is bleeding
are you proud.
are you happy.
are you illustrious.
i hope you get everything you want.
because i know i won't.
the pain is worth it if it means giving up my own happiness to make you happy.
are you satisfied.
Jun 2018 · 646
abnormal pain
Samantha Nguyen Jun 2018
love is the most amazing thing in the world.
someone accompanies you.
someone cares about you.
someone is there for you.

but love can be a pain.
you don't see it coming
so it's a surprise.
it will change your life so much.
it's not normal.

and to conclude,
love isn't a normal pain.
we aren't used to it
so it uses us.
you want to know how i feel right now? betrayed, lonely, depressed. thank you :(
Jun 2018 · 296
what messes with you
Samantha Nguyen Jun 2018
imagine loving someone.
now imagine risking everything just to even look at him
and you finally have the courage to tell him how you feel.

but then he doesn’t believe you.

that’s one of the worst pains ever,
telling someone that you love them but they don’t believe you.
why would someone lie about loving them.

love isn’t something to be messed with.
love is supposed to mess with you.
Jun 2018 · 202
when i feel pain
Samantha Nguyen Jun 2018
pain is what i feel
when i try to imagine a future with him
but knowing there might not be a future for him
and knowing that he can’t be mine.
pain is the outcome
of loving the boy
who doesn’t love me back.
pain is the only thing
that makes me sad
but happy at the same time.

that’s because pain
is the only thing that tells you that you’re alive
May 2018 · 2.1k
running
Samantha Nguyen May 2018
he was running.
running away from the pain.
running away from his fears.
running away from the thoughts.
running away from his feelings.
or just running away from me.

—you know you can do it

— The End —