it is strange that, by simply not existing, i have completely unloved him, or so i tell myself

oh to fall asleep with you every night
and to wake up in your arms every morning

life is so much more real
more colorful
and lovely
with you in it

i can't help but smile
when i see you

if you're around
my laugh is genuine

your hands on my waist
my lips pressed in your neck

how do i keep you forever

i believe that all good things eventually come to an end
you were the one for me
or at least in another universe
a world so far from reality it is almost dreamlike
in this time i come with unpleasant news
it was difficult to deliver
especially since i tried so hard not to smile upon hearing your lovely voice
but i think i have lived a truly wonderful life

there's always a reason
behind your decisions.
i have no right to feel these emotions
     jealousy
     anger
     sadness
and when i say it's
          impossible
to feel this way right now,
i'm told that
          i'm possible
for anything that wants to achieve me.
because i'm not the type of person to accomplish much,
so i try my best to be the accomplished.
and i have, but it isn't a good thing.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE WAY SHE SMILED...
HAVEN'T SEEN THAT SMILE IN AWHILE...
WONDER IF IT'S STILL THE SAME...?

your legs stretch out
in front of you a little
to the side,
          too long, too long
to fit underneath
your desk,
like it's too small.
          to me, to me,
there is a giant
who sits behind me
carefree, careless, and
          so tall, so tall, so
     tall

why is that girl over there
surrounded by the darkness of the clouds?
she can’t feel but she can still taste
the blue, wondering who
the unspoken words
will melt into.
if i could read her mind, i bet
she’s thinking of the roof of her school
look down upon people wrapped in gold,
the roof that will be the end of her.
she’s thinking of jumping into
the blue ocean she drowns in,
making a tiny splash that no one will notice,
swimming away, floating away,
slowly.
and on her last day,
she will find the answer she’s been looking for,
because it has been right in front of her,
at the edge of the roof, the entire time.
she will let the wind carry her away as she falls,
nothing to stop her but the concrete she lands on.

i don’t even know how we got here.
we’re lost, out of control,
being driven crazy.

i still dream of a boy
that i used to know.
now i’m stuck looking
for a place to fit in.

can’t find a place and
now i’m late.
we walk in looking
like we just had a make-out session.

but actually, that’s just because
we tried to run one mile
in two minutes. honestly,
i thought this would work.

but you ran ahead.
why didn’t you wait for me
to catch up?
now every spot is taken
no space
left for
me.

you are a box
that i open.
a gift
that i receive.
and it's all mine.
          (...i think...)
i can put more love into the box
and let things pile up inside.
i can bury all my pain inside
and all my fears will be hidden.
          (...but they won't go away...)
one day we won't like each other anymore.
we'll have to move on.
that means taking back everything that's mine.
but all the pain and sadness
can't be given back.
i have made use of it
and it's now mine.

friend a,

          how are you.
          i am
          fine.
          today i made a new
          friend.
          he walks me home
          and he is in all
          my classes.
          his name is
          depression
          and for my birthday
          he said he’ll buy
          me
          pills.

                    love,
    ­                me

i told myself that it was you.
you were the one who would make me happy.
                    now you're gone.
          ("some people can stay in your heart
           but not in your life")
and that's when i learned,
          don't fall in love.
                    fall off a bridge,
          i think it hurts less

i am sitting here missing you,
wishing you would put me back in your hands
and play me.

slide your bow across my strings,
make beautiful music come from me.

because when you play me,
i am not just a piece
of wood, painted
and glossed to perfection,
but i am more
humane.

this is it,
the downfall of our empire that took so long to build.
it’s over.
while the music of defeat is playing,
the princess can’t hear the beautiful, sad melody.
all this girl hears is noise.
she walks through the ruins of her empire.
has this happened because of her mistakes.
slowly, it begins to rain.
but this rain is nothing compared to her tears.
her senses aren’t working properly. she can only see.
she sees the hatred in your eyes.
your stillness that sets her off.
your expression reveals anger.
some things she can’t see right now.
the princess doesn't see her mistakes.
she can’t see what pain she caused you.
but what she will see eventually is another girl in your arms.
she’s prettier than the princess and doesn’t lie to you.
she will keep all your secrets and make you happy.
she won’t make mistakes and she’ll be perfect.
she won’t be the broken princess, she’ll be your princess.
the invisible girl will see that she wasn’t worth it
and she’s going to run and not stop till she finds someone who wants her.
even if it means leaving home and everything behind.
one day later she sees a white rose.
it has been torn by the rain and withered.
life and beauty has left it.
when the shattered girl will see you,
she can see all the life and beauty in you and your new princess.
the destitute girl will envy your princess.

"heavy breathing/hot breath.
hands touching/warm skin.
why did i do this."

i had to stand on the tips of my toes
just so i could reach your lips.
arms encircled me, keeping me safe.
this can't be real.

"we looked into each other's eyes
and her breath still lingers on my skin.
i shiver.
she clung to me tightly, as if she was scared."

i have ruined the best thing that has happened to me.

"she had to tell everyone of this.
this was meant for us only.
why share this moment with the world.
why did i let her do this.
she's already happy, playing me like a game of cards.
one mistake turned into regret."

i'm so sorry.
this secret was something i couldn't bear.
carrying the weight like atlas.
your body was my map that my finger traced,
leading me to a secret location.
i have revealed its existence.

"those eyes that i thought were innocent
have become guilty (i was betrayed).
how could i live with this."

i wanted you.

"she wanted to use me."

i'm sorry.

"she'll say sorry as much as she wants; she'll pay."

'one mistake turned into regret.'

"keep apologizing, that isn't the price i want."

i'd do anything.

"she wouldn't do anything.
she's got other guys.
****.
find someone you actually love."

but you're the one i want.

"i might as well end it here/there's no reason to live."

there are plenty of reasons.

"i don't see her as a reason."

i can still feel your breath on me.
as i cry at the little reminders of you.
when it's night, i wish you were next to me.
but who would want to be with me.
i'm a spoiled, selfish, lying girl.

"i want out."

no, i want out.

"she has ruined me."

just give me a second chance.

"this was supposed to be our moment, not the world's.
what happened wasn't us."

but what if it's us.
what if it's us and only us.

"i know i hurt her, but she also hurt me.
i can't pretend this didn't happen.
pretending would let her off the hook.
she needs to know."

then let's make a promise to us.
let's start over
and not pretend.

can you promise me
that you won’t commit suicide.
so there will be a
          slight chance that you’ll
          inhabit my future.
we could do amazing things together.
                    (...make happy memories and
                    have fights that will be made up…)
it’ll be a great story to tell our children—
          (a great story indeed).
i promise that you’ll be satisfied—
          (you’ll be satisfied).
i don’t care about the hugs and kisses.
                    (...that’s not love…)
          (definitely not love.)
love is being with who makes you happy.
          (you make me very happy).
i promise that you’ll be happy—
          (i’ll make a million promises).
                    (...that will be kept…)
but can you promise that there will be a future.
          for there to be a future,
          you must stay alive.
                    (...don’t die, i love you…)

when we are kissing
          (i’m pressed against your chest
          your arms around me).
i spin. not with confusion but with joy.
like a dancer spinning along with music.
you’re the music that winds me.
can you make me your princess.
          (love me, satisfy me).
i can be a beautiful girl
in a cute dress that you’ll run you hands over.
i could feel your skin,
          (my hands slip under your shirt)
my prince.
we can’t get in trouble
                    (...no worries…)
since we have the power.
          (“excused.”)
it’ll be okay.
princesses don’t get in trouble.
          (it’ll all change once i’m queen
          and you’re king).
i’m only queen so you could be my king.
assuage me/ answer me/ gratify me.

sometimes things that are so amazing, so wonderful…
can confuse me.
the emotions fog up the window
          (my brain is clouded with thoughts)
when the fog clears, there are beautiful
blue butterflies flying around
          (um...how’d they get there.).
that’s what confuses me.
could those be the same butterflies
from my stomach that
          makes me nervous around you.
or are they a pigment of my imaginations,
feelings that aren’t true and made up.
(a soft warning of pain to come)
(an assurance of how beautiful i really am)
(a demon ready to devour me)
what is it.
i name this little blue—
confusion.
she’s beautiful but quiet.
maybe i need her company.
eventually the truth will hit her
instead of hitting the window
          (my brain is a pane of glass).
you can leave this dungeon, papillon.
fly! fly away with your gratefulness!
be free!
          (my imagination runs wild
          like these butterflies)
freedom awaits.

we kissed.
"are you happier now." you said.
nobody's ever going
to
          love
                    me.
but at least sadness doesn't devour me as easily.
i got thoughts to banish the
          sadness
and
                    pain.
the only thing i've ever wanted was for someone to love me.
it's a tragedy.
this is a love story that will end like r + j.
but unlike shakespeare, my brain isn't dead.
i will fight for love like the capulets and montagues.
i will die for this love to last.
and i will do anything just to make you happy.
but yet,
                    i'm
still
          not
loved.
it's impossible for someone like him, my romeo whose eyes are darker than the night sky,
to fall for a vulnerable juliet, who on the inside is a weak, emotionless girl who doesn't ever
get
what
she
wants.

i am living in a world
where there is no peace.
there are so many people who hurt me,
who want to hurt me,
who will hurt me.
they exist around me and make me cry.
but when i’m with him...
we are the only people who exist.
my reputation has disappeared.
my pain has subsided.
my past doesn’t matter.
i feel loved because of him.
but the truth comes out.
he doesn’t really love me.

promises can turn into lies.
dreams and hopes can turn into lies.
when i thought i found what i wanted,
it was a lie.
all the lies crashed in as a wave and broke me down with painful memories.
each time i try to rebuild,
i am broken down again.
that’s why i hate the beach
since the icy water just breaks me
the same way his eyes and lies
break me.

"surround yourself with those that make you happy"
i have made a promise to myself.
i will try to be happy from now on.
i will make myself happy
and nobody will put me down.
no more pain.
no more pain.
everything will be better.
you can learn to let go.

good luck with that, sam.
but thanks, blake :)

this was the place where we had meetings.
we hugged for the first time here.
i wish i could've stopped time at that moment.
now here i am crying.
the ground is burning.
i've sat in the sun for half an hour (it's summer)
my heart is burning.
i am in love.
i am in love.
this wall cannot hide the flames.
i
     burning
am
     hot
in
     flames
love.

sit down on the wood chips and
cry
sob
weep.
my tears are matches that will set the ground aflame.
i can't stop thinking: i love him.
a wall is behind me.
i want to make the wall surround me
to form a room with no door, no escape.
trap me.
i don't care.
the place has so many memories.
lock me with the memories.
they'll be painful.
but that's what i want.
hopefully they stab me.
take me.
ruin me.
**** me.
help me.

pain broke me down into a million pieces.
it's amazing how pain is still one piece.
i thought we'd look good together.
like something that'd look good on a college application.
but you hurt me, broke me,
and my heart is bleeding
are you proud.
are you happy.
are you illustrious.
i hope you get everything you want.
because i know i won't.
the pain is worth it if it means giving up my own happiness to make you happy.
are you satisfied.

love is the most amazing thing in the world.
someone accompanies you.
someone cares about you.
someone is there for you.

but love can be a pain.
you don't see it coming
so it's a surprise.
it will change your life so much.
it's not normal.

and to conclude,
love isn't a normal pain.
we aren't used to it
so it uses us.

imagine loving someone.
now imagine risking everything just to even look at him
and you finally have the courage to tell him how you feel.

but then he doesn’t believe you.

that’s one of the worst pains ever,
telling someone that you love them but they don’t believe you.
why would someone lie about loving them.

love isn’t something to be messed with.
love is supposed to mess with you.

pain is what i feel
when i try to imagine a future with him
but knowing there might not be a future for him
and knowing that he can’t be mine.
pain is the outcome
of loving the boy
who doesn’t love me back.
pain is the only thing
that makes me sad
but happy at the same time.

that’s because pain
is the only thing that tells you that you’re alive

he was running.
running away from the pain.
running away from his fears.
running away from the thoughts.
running away from his feelings.
or just running away from me.

—you know you can do it