My pain is intense
My mood dips
I am fat
I feel every ounce of fat on my hips
I try
I desperately try to diminish my size
So I no longer cry
at the sight of my thighs
Body acceptance?
It all seems like lies
Drowning.

I try to restrict
Eat less and less
occasionally "binge"
what the hell, I'm a mess
Exercise more
Move to and fro
But sadly it's not working
My mood dips low
Yet my meds numb me out
Their happiness is fake
Why am I on them?
It's been several years
Don't know if I need them
They cause many tears

Deep in my heart,
I'm clearly aware that
the medication I'm on
is making me fat
Stop taking that.
I try to take less
Lower my dose with care
But withdrawal hits hard
I'm sad and aware

The lights in my head
quickly turn off
Nobody told me
this would happen when I stop
I can't win
But need a way out
Mental health care needs improving
until it does, I will shout

I had almost given up
Put the phone away
Tried to move forward
No more to say

But then I met you.

Scared but excited,
We went on a date
I worried I ruined it
Doom was our fate.

But you said it went well.

Date number two
My feelings had grown
Felt a connection
Sort of at home

So much in common
You were so nice and kind,
Asked to hold my hand
Stimulated my mind

But now it’s all over.

You were seeing someone else
Picked her over me
Rejected and hurt
How could this be?

In the past,
My self esteem would have been shot
But now I know
To think better thoughts
To know I am worthy
Of being someone’s first pick
That you’re missing out
Good luck with that chick
I can do better
I can move on
Won’t drown in my feelings
I'll look towards dawn

To me rejection is like an infection.

I know other opportunities exist
But the feeling of rejection sticks to me like a cyst

I remind myself that there's more out there
That this isn't an attack on me, or signs they don't care

Don't itch a mosquito bite, you'll make it worse
A scab will form, the pain makes you curse

"I'm not good enough" is my bite,
and rejection is the itch that I can't control.

So I sit with these feelings
After elevating my hopes
Sad, depressive thoughts
Immobilize me like ropes

"Be more resilient"
"This shouldn't affect you this much"

These things ring some truth,
but helpful they are not.

I live with intensity, my brain always on
Thinking numerous things, more than humming a song

When excited I'm ecstatic, but when sad I'm more blue
My biology I can't change, coping is all I can do.

So how does one weather crippling rejection?

Believe in yourself, there's still more to do
Keep yourself busy until the storm passes through
Don't beat yourself up for feeling unreasonably blue
Boost yourself up in ways that suit you

Just one look
and feelings a year old
come flooding back

I'm not your type,
but sometimes,
human attraction just doesn't make sense.

The way you say my name
is a symphony to my ears
Smart, successful, attractive
Thoughts race as we cheers

Is it crazy?
Yes.
Because you I barely know

But sometimes you just have this sense
Conversation easily flows.

It's just a crush, an obsession
Girls probably fall at your toes.
But sometimes it's nice to have a dream
Even if nowhere's where it goes

I know your success
Does not mean I have failed

But my brain is not convinced
Self battering has prevailed

My mind wages wars over bread
Wishing that part of my mind was dead

My clothes feel different
How could this be?
Thought I was okay
Try to eat healthily

Alas.
I know I've gone too far
I can't tolerate the feeling of extra skin
Exercise MORE.
Torturous thoughts begin

I sit and try to eat.
But why

The feeling of an empty stomach
coincides with feelings of pride
Accomplishment. Resistance. Power.
And it grows with each passing hour.
The feeling of losing weight,
one of the few things that brightens my state.
Joy, bliss, satisfaction.
But this feeling is fleeting
Like slippers on an icy *****
You fall from your perceived grace
As your mind crumbles
Gone without a trace
Barely recognize your face
Disgrace.

Abandon everything on the pursuit of perfection.
Restriction becomes the object of your affection
When really it's more of an infection.

I want to accept my body you see
Be proud of all it does for me
Make peace with my flaws,
the size of my thighs.
Grow in contentment, no matter how wide.
Self acceptance.
Seems so far away
6 years and counting, still struggle to this day.

Enough.

Your body is the vehicle
through which you experience this world
Perfecting it is unattainable.
As a society, we have more to accomplish than banishing cellulite
or fat.
Make discoveries, help each other, and grow,
Now just imagine that.

Our minds shouldn't be waging wars over bread,
Let's promote peace and end real wars instead.

Time and time and time again
I come back to the same thought
The same feeling
The same obsession
Lying on my back, staring at the ceiling

Intensity.

Why haven't I studied today?
I feel my body, and it's not okay.
Every part feels like it is too much, I am too much
What happened?
How did I let it get this way?

Tears.

I am too uncomfortable in my skin
Depression is beginning to win.

Despair.

Let the thought spiral begin.

Fat.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Failure.
Disgusting.
Worthless.
Disgra­ce.

A sadness and sorrow so encompassing it feels as though you've been winded.
Ripped in half.
You want to cry
While your demons laugh.

Skills, coping mechanisms, lessons learned
Yet nothing seems to actually work
Just let it be, leave it alone
While you feel like you're being smashed by a stone

Recovery.
Stuck half way.
More work to do.
To be more okay.