You’re the one the I need.
You’re the one that I wanted.
You’re the one I get hurt for
You’re the one that I lean on.

I sit outside contemplating if I’ll ever have the right words to fully orchestrate the greatest love song.
Pondering on the ideology behind each symphony and melody.
Trying to figure out if I can truly compensate for each octave. After all I’m no singer.

I stand before a very large crowd. All eyes on me. I hear each murmur from the background. It would seem they are all waiting on me.
Dressed and draped in black, my hands begin to shiver, sweat trickling down my forehead.
I don’t have the voice for this. How on earth do I put on the greatest show.

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I tell myself. If it’s all for a love like no other.
Surely I can make this work. Somehow I can. Because if it’s for her. Then I need to become the greatest showman to date.

I want to say things like “I’ve never believed in fate and that every fibre in me believes there’s no destiny. That I always sought love to be superficial or more of a fantasy.”
However I’ve always been a sucker for romance.
And I always believed that love could enhance every bit of our surrounding. And in saying so. I am stating to you that you’re my comfort in ending. And I hope that having a knowledge of this is profound. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only love I need and have found.

I stare in awe at the crowd. At first lost for words. But to the thought of you, I’ve found inspiration. At the sight of you, my confidence sky rockets. I don’t know if you know but you’re my motivation. And for as long as I can imagine, all that I want and need is within you.

I’m a victim of love.
I have stood before Cupid and allowed for him to take a mugshot of me love drunk.
I’ve been in a position whereby I fought love and thought it was love.
But my reality always pulled me out of this dream. Dragged by gravity. I realised it was all idealised, conceptualised misunderstandings of what I thought was what my heart needed.
Because at the end of the day. The love I had given out was never reciprocated. It made me feel as if I was doomed.
As if I was to be consumed by the world and to be hastily chewed up and spit by the people that took my heart only to decide that it wasn’t good enough.

Feeling like you’re not good enough and being put in that situation is painful. I remember fully telling myself that I cannot be that again. I need love that is not only healthy but will help me grow and become better and be in a case of “Finally, I feel at home”

When you walked and came into my life. I never expected that.
I know I was wholly curious about you.
I know I wanted to know more, I wanted to know what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy, sad, confused, confident, what ticks you off, what angers you, what makes you. So you.
And how can I be apart of your life. How can I see that smile everyday and make you laugh and make you see the world the way I see it in your eyes.

And it’s weird. I know.
But when i heard your name for the first time.
It felt like my heart finally found its other half.
I love you.

In the case of me not ever getting over you,
I was worried that when you find love, I will live in pain.
And ultimately it would ,mean my feelings were and could have been in vein.
It would also be ironic, your happiness would cause the blood stains in my heart.
It's like, perhaps what I sought to be love that doesn't end was just a toxic figment from the start.

In the case.
But that's not what's at state.
I told myself that for me to love another, I must fully let go of you.
Of course I thought it wasn't possible, but my reality proved other.
For I too have found another.

She's not you.
She's not a predefined version of you.
She is everything I need and want.

And in the case you find love outside of me.
Know that I am so happy for you.

I believe at some point in my life I drilled the idea of being non comital in my head.
Crazy I know but I was so hell bent on not being hurt again.
Surely being a non emotional being means I HAVE NOTHING to gain.
I get it.
But I always stressed that I'm going to commit to those that need my heart.
Not the people that want to ****** with it and then suddenly disappear because their heart isn't solid enough to handle mine.

While in this situation of non commitment. I also believed in soul mates.
The sole idea that there will always be someone for you, that at the end of the day love is our fate.
It's our destiny.
And that's good enough to keep my concept of love sane and not in vain.
But as the pain of heart break coursed  through my veins, it became difficult to hold on to that thought.
It's weird I know, but it's perfectly human.
To have mismatched feelings and contradictions.
But you must understand, I know you've experienced the same things.

To have the whole of you belong to someone who couldn't properly cater for it.
To over and under-assume that they are your one and only.
It's sensible, we are human.
It's the only humane thing ever.

Now this story is long.
I want to apologise but I know you love some story telling.
So I'm here to tell a tale so please hear me out.

When I saw you.
I don't want to say corny things like my heart skipped a beat.
But it did, and it was weird because I didn't know how to react to that.
My hands were clammy, My mind was running.
How can I talk to this royalty and have her find me funny and adorable.
How can I make her smile?
How can I hear her laugh and feel prideful because "I did that"

Remarkable.
Undoubtedly, How I felt then is ten times more than now.
You have no idea how much my heart belongs to you.
How every fibre in me tells me you're my soul mate.
My sole mate.

It's my dream to take care of you.
To show you love and make you feel everything that you make me feel.
I want to watch you grow and become the successful Queen you're meant to be.
I want to be there by your side as you battle each demon, as you win and as you lose to become stronger.
I want to be there for you.
Every single step.

I want to hold your soft hands
And instantaneously transfer how much I am willing to protect and make you feel safe.
While also demonstrating the safety I immediately feel with each hold.

I want to be in an endless timeframe and watch you wake up.
I want to be the first t see those russet eyes, glow with happiness.
I want to leave butterfly kisses on your forehead and watch your subtle smile spread.
I want to whisper sweet nothings and hug you.
My mornings are best with you.
My soul feels complete knowing I'm with my sole soul mate.

I think there will always be a part of me that wishes you were still apart of me.
Maybe not romantically but definitely platonically.
But I shake my head to such crazy thoughts.
You know why?
You made it clear that I cannot be in your life.
And I want to say I get it, but I don't.
In my darkest hour, My mind could only sought to you.
We need to protect ourselves I know, but what form of toxic was I if all I ever did to your mindset was try to at least show you who you are.

But enough about that.
I don't talk about you.
You raise insecurities to the people of my life.
They see everything we shared as something that's indescribable.
And it's a mess because we're ******* up their sense of security.

We don't talk about you.
But you're always the main point of a topic.

Bear with me.
I have writers block going heavy on my mind.
And I have this deep sense of need to write about you.
So I'm going to do my best to find these words.
No, they are not lost, but they are currently hiding from me.
Perhaps it is because I cannot use simple words to describe my love for you.
It could also be that my heart feels that using complex words wouldn't be enough.

But darling.
Do you see the title?
Because that is not just the name of a developing piece that will turn into a more heartfelt confession.
This is your title.
My love.
You are the one.

I want to say that all my life, I have been searching for something that would allow for me to love and to fully love back.
And for some time it felt like I had found it.
But subconsciously my mind weighed heavy and it kept telling me that I'm rushing the process.
Everything I experienced is part of a process.
And eventually my eyes will open and till then, I will feel and experience progression.

I know I tend to speak in riddles but bear with me.
I have writer's block.
And it's a mess because getting to the point feels like trying to open a combination lock, just with the idea of the password.
But not enough knowledge.

But like I said my love.
I have this deep need to write to you.
Maybe with a few complex anecdotes
And a smear of simple annotations.

Every waking second spent with you, is a blissful moment that puts my heart to ease.
With every single touch , my senses awaken. My soul rejuvenates. I feel oddly at peace.
As if this is it.
She is it.

I once believed that I would never lose you.
This isn't because of some sort of egotistic behaviour, no it's the thought process that told me we are permanent.
and of course I told myself that if I don't think it. It won't happen.
I shouldn't have done that.
I watched my reality come crashing down the second I lost you.

I watched one hour turn into two till it became twelve.
Perhaps then I witnessed a pain so unrealistic
A pain so mortifying.
An experience so terrifyingly horrible.
Every minute of that was unbearable.
A life lesson. But ****.

Then I got you back.
I watched the colours return back to my eyes.
I noted my one true fear.
To lose the love of my life.
To lose you.

Because darling as the poem says.
You're the one.

Please don't ever forget that all that I AM, Is all that YOU will receive.

Today is like my birthday.
Because I have found something more temperate than a Winter's day.
My true love has finally come to me.

MY ONE IS HERE.

Less than 24 hours ago, I wrote that I found freedom and solace in her.
That my state of mind always seemed to be in a lighter mood.
Funny how things really can change in mere seconds.

Less that 24 hours, I shared to her an even bigger piece of my heart.
I gently removed my battered heart from my chest and asked for her to hold on to it.

Bruised and coloured in black, purple marks. I gave to her willingly.
And what better way to do that if not with poetry.
The only artfrom that truly  defines who I AM.

Her eyes, shined with happiness, or so I thought.
My mind so calm, trusting that every move I made is worth it.
I shouldn't have listened to any bits of my mind or heart though.
I should have fought.
Now look at my consequences of love.
My heart is caught in a bob wired fence.
Losing its last bits of red.

Less than 24 hours ago, I thought you would protect me.
So willingly I gave you all of me, bits I repaired, Bits I was working on and the remainder of what made me me.

What gave you the right to look me in my bloodshot eyes and tell me I am not  enough.
Why take all that I am to tell me that you can't do this.

Is this it?
Is pain the only constant that belongs in my life?
Because everytime I try to feel something better than it.
It leaves like a boomerang and comes back with 10x more the impact.

So perhaps this is my karma.
My one true love.
Pain.
I cannot fight you anymore.

"Can you tell me what you really feel?"

He stares into my brown eyes. Confusion running heavy on his bloodshot eyes.

"I'm really trying to get the grasp of this, because if I can understand where your heart is, I don't have to stand here, worried and rumaging through my already dark mind", he sighs.

If I could find a way to let him Know how I am. It should be through poetry.
And if he can understand, I'm sure she will too.

I have had a lifeline of broken support.
In that instance it means that there's no possibility of someone being able to protect me.
I have given my heart willingly to what I assumed would love me back.
You've seen that backfire on me.
You've seen me retract back like a dog with a tail between its legs.
And I know how it hurt you.
It hurt me too.

Knowingly you took it upon yourself to create a barrier of protection between our friendship. Forming something that could offer some sort of relieve to us both. And in it's own way it did work.
Surely for a very long time, I could bare my heart break to you.
And you could allow me to be overwhelmed by your pain.
We did that.

"So are you saying you don't need my protection?" His voice breaks.

I'm saying that you need mine more than anything. I have a bruised beating heart that is protected by a soul that I've never quite met and thats okay.
She makes me feel safe,
she makes me feel protected and she makes . me smile and laugh.
I am more alive with her. Her love is remarkable. So what do you say?
Let me protect you?
My heart is in safe hands.

"Okay"