the transparency of
running water
over stone
is too much
for me to bear

i dropped my identity
into the water
and let it become
a stone

and as the mud
and ash and dirt
washed away

i saw far too clearly
what i had neglected
and the cracks
in sincerity

and i bound
my heart
and ribs
and tongue
in a tight pair of pantyhose

but it stopped my breath
and made me ache
in a way
i never knew
was possible

when i
got my breath back
i cried
with the realization
that
i should have never
started again
if i wanted
to be perfect

so i stepped
on the wildflowers
of renewal,
buttoned up my collar,
and slept in the rain

CALM OF EXPECTATION
This is the moment I found my self plunged in the ocean of my own soul
where i don't feel the terrifying decay of self
like a spark in the dark
that fills in the whole
that thought had lost
i felt me clearer than I ever have.
It is the moment after we fall
also
the moment after we stand
long fleeting, ever present, but often forgotten
in the light of Happiness
I realized
we ride a ship over oceans of pain
in this land
it couldn't last.
this fleeting moment of happiness
can it last?
tell me can this expectation
this love, happiness and wonder,
survive what undoubtedly approaches?  


STORM
Again in a moment, I explored my soul
where the the ocean boils but stills and the cold over takes you
but also soothes you.
you forget the ocean exist
And you drink
drink it all down until it becomes a part of you  
the cold of that moment
becomes your strength, it bolsters uplifts and destroys.
certainly the expectation of that moment of happiness that never came was not enough
it did not strengthen you it weakened you
it was indeed poison
indeed a habit
that cannot exist in this rage
in this sea of certain uncertainty
in this break in self judgement
lack of empathy towards ones self
and tearing and repairing of this land itself
or are we just subjects, watchers of our own soul weather?