Many people know how important you were to me.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy.
You were a kind woman who loved to give.
I would've done anything if you could've lived.

You could no longer be my BFF, you weren't able to be my best friend forever.
Sadly, on the day of your death, our bond of friendship and love was severed.
On your last birthday, we celebrated when I bought you a cake.
Your memory is something that I won't forget or forsake.

I turned out to be a good person and it's because of you.
You raised me and taught me to have morals and values.
The doctors couldn't save you but they certainly did try.
Happy Birthday Mom, I'll love you until the day that I die.

I charged a town full of hicks ten thousand bucks to make it rain.
They said if there was no precipitation, I would be in a lot of pain.
They were desperate for rain because of a three month drought.
They actually paid in full, I can't believe they paid that amount.
What they didn't know was that when it comes to making rain, I don't know what to do.
Those hicks knocked all of my teeth out and now I can't even chew.
Those hillbillies also lit a match after dunking me in a barrel of kerosene.
I knew they would be angry but I had no idea they would be quite so mean.
Now I'm in the hospital and I have 3rd degree burns.
Don't ever con hicks, that's a lesson I have learned.

My dream came true when I became a referee.
But my heart is broken because they fired me.
I was told that I couldn't be a referee again.
They said it's because I can't count to ten.
1-2-3-4, that's as high as I can count.
I can't get to ten, I can't reach that amount.
I dropped out of school too early, that's why I'm so stupid.
I dropped out of Kindergarten when I was a five year old kid.
Kids shouldn't drop out because knowledge is a tool.
They will have a better future if they stay in school.

I filed for divorce because my wife did something strange.
She went behind my back and had a *** change.
When I came home one afternoon, a man answered the door.
I thought it was a burglar so I knocked my wife to the floor.
When I learned that she became a man, I got mad.
I lost the beautiful and **** wife that I once had.
She said even though she became a man, I should still love her.
I told her that I already have a ***** and I don't need another.
When I packed my bags and left her for good, she said it was a lousy thing to do.
If you're a man, keep an eye on your wife because she may have a *** change too.

A judge ordered me to pay my ex-wife alimony.
I told him that his ruling was a bunch of baloney.
I refused to pay her anything because while we were married, she cheated.
She broke her wedding vows, it was a shameful way for me to be treated.
When I refused to pay alimony, the judge sent me to jail.
I've been ***** ten times by the man who shares  my cell.
It was the principle of the thing, that's why I refused to pay.
My cellmate is about to violate me again, I've had better days.
I hope a cop or prison guard can hear me as I begin to shout.
I'll pay my ex-wife whatever she wants if they'll let me out.

My ex-girlfriend dumped me even though I have cancer.
My sister knocked her out in a mall and then she pantsed her.
She had to walk around the mall in her underwear.
People pointed and laughed, I wish I had been there.
You may want to dump somebody who has cancer but you mustn't and you can't.
If you're a woman who dumps me, my sister will knock you out and you will be pantsed.

It is illegal to refuse to hire disabled people in the state of Tennessee.
Even though I graduated from medical school, a hospital wouldn't hire me.
They said they couldn't hire me because I'd do a lot of harm.
They said I couldn't be a doctor because I only have one arm.
I sued them and they were forced to hire me even though I'm disabled.
But when I performed an operation, the person died on the operating table.
I operated on a woman who had fifteen kids, she was going to have her tubes tied.
If I hadn't been the doctor who performed the surgery, she wouldn't have died.
Swift action was taken, I was fired immediately.
They had no other choice but to terminate me.
There were two important reasons why I shouldn't have been part of the hospital's workforce.
I only have one arm and the medical school that I graduated from was a correspondence course.