there's no cures,
no hopes,
no hi's, nor bye's..
there's not really much left to say then is there-
so why do i try?
why do i reach for words just out of reach,
why haven't i let it go?
why do i wonder so-
wander so?
what am i looking for?
i have what i want, i have what i need,
i have the joy i sought so sorely so,
i have my grasp on a future,
no longer so futile..
and yet
guilt clouds my mind.
i wish so badly that i could take what you gave,
that i could scatter my seeds amongst the many already strewn,
intertwine my life into the fabric of yours,
and be happy doing it.
but i wasn't happy, i was empty
and your pieces didn't fit quite right,
despite how hard i tried..
because i did try,
oh how i tried.

i just wish i hadn't
poisoned the medicine maker.

we live in a box
with endless walls and tiny windows
unseen beings
lurking in the creeks
of despair and desperation
whilst barrows of bodies
whisked away and turned to
ash that soils the otherwise
spotless home you've made
within the cell...
ular confines of existence

I thought I knew what lonely was until a movement I couldn't take part in came along.
I was used to being on my own, but when surrounded by the voices of people speaking out against the atrocities they've faced at the hands of others I was filled with a need to join them-
Until I realized I couldn't.
For the resulting commotion that would fill my life if I did would not equate the relief I may or may not feel by telling all.
The demons in my life wouldn't be prosecuted by my voice, despite the promises some naive like to make.
To stay silent is to stay protected, even if it is at the cost of one's own sanity.
For I reside in the middle. In the place where things aren't so bad that I need saving nor the place where things are so safe that I can speak without fear. My voice wouldn't cause a worldwide commotion, nor would it cause arms of those dear to me to envelop me in embraces of comfort and support.
It would cause mass pandemonium in my world while changing nothing in the world.
So lonely has been redefined to mean utter panic in the midst of temptation.

You say if I'm actively suicidal you'll have to commit me, so can I please verify whether this is a passive or active feeling?
You don't seem to understand that I am passively active at all times, that suicide is not something you have to die to commit.
You don't grasp that I am both fine and alive while being broken and empty, all at the same time.
You don't see that I can comprehend that something is wrong with my mind for the way it whispers to me of deaths inviting embrace, that I know this isn't normal, but oh, oh do I wish it was.
You ask me to rate my feelings on a scale of 1-5, quantifying my mind's nuances before I have a chance to explain that I don't even know myself half the time.
Do your best, you say.

My best ran out when I stepped over the threshold, next time I'll know not to waste it on a visit to you.

ride out into empty highways,
headlights off, windows down

let the eternity contained in the heavens
guide your way-
trace the footsteps of millennia

paint your life outside the lines,
let chasms overfill with your blood
before you give in

If I tell you where my unkempt sneakers have been
will you still stay the night and caress my skin?
If I tell you what my wide brown eyes have seen
will you still want to learn about what resides between?

I don't consent,
I won't consent.
I know I said it was okay,
that I wanted to see where this would go.
I know I said that I was chill,
that I was ready, that there was no need to go slow.
But now I'm saying
Stop.
I'm saying I don't want it, want you, want this-
even if that makes me some sort of priss.
I'm saying step off,
and don't come back.
I'm not asking for a break,
you can't make up for what you lack.
I know I said I'd be down,
that I would be willing to try-
but boy, that's before I found my crown,
before I realized that it wasn't normal, how much you make me cry.
I won't tolerate any more teardrops, not in my sky.
So leave. Now.
Please.
Goodbye.

I'll never be rid of the taint of ****. No matter how well I pretend, my nights are not my own. They forever belong to the shadows, to rough hands and blank eyes.

What karma did a child accumulate to be punished for such a lifetime?

time on my hands, time to ****
the demons know where to go
a trigger to pull, thoughts to blow

I cleared you of your sins,
took them as my own.
I'd say yes when I
should've said no.
I begged for attention,
cried when it burned me.
I pried where I shouldn't have,
lost myself when the secrets swallowed me.

You make me sorry
for every breath I take
for the space I encompass
for my very existence
yet
I still love you.

things I hate:

me

things that make me hate me:

you

Swift attacks on ones weak points will bring them to their knees in an instant.
Delayed blows to ones high points will slowly cause one to shrink smaller than ever thought possible.

You may be able to get up off your knees, but darling growing and rebuilding is near impossible when you don't know where to begin.

I know I'm not enough.
I promise, I know. So please,
I'm begging you,
stop reminding me.
I promise, I never forget.
But sometimes I get tired of
being sad, being upset.
I start to hold myself higher,
I let myself get past that roadblock.
But then you drop it suddenly atop me,
and I'm left further down the track than
I ever was before.
I know I'm not enough.
How many times will you remind me?

Sometimes I feel like the moon wouldn't shine so bright without your eyes being my lens to the world.
Other times I feel like the ground would stop swallowing me up in its earthy embrace if my mouth wasn't mistaken for yours as it taunts all that it can.

Endless and intangible,
yet the only reality that makes sense.

How do tears burn like acid,
Why does your mouth emit poison,
When did your fingers start burning my wrist,
What had you intention been?

East and west
Right and left
Never will there be a greater void
Than the one created through those that are too poised

Want:Lust::Need:Love

Stop
Please please please
I can't handle
You.
You're everywhere
You're smothering me
Please leave

Gone.
You left.
Why did you leave
the flames?
Dancing flames
Stop
You're mocking me
Stop
I'm burning
Stop
I'm losing everything
Stop
The flame are everywhere
Stop
Don't leave me
Please

Please
Please please please
Come back
I was wrong
Please please please
Don't go
Wait
I didn't mean it

****
****
you.
YOU.
****
me.

I am a *******.

My hands are not my own,
my words are spoken for me.
I do not have a choice
in where my legs drag me.

If not a *******, then what?

I fall beneath the wings
I hang above the chasm
I let my resolve crumble

Breathless whispers bring forth
enticing thoughts of snow globe worlds
As useful as paper weights

I fear the collision of worlds
I wait for the ringing to stop
I allow the peace of destruction to befall

Covering the world
in satin trimmed words
Pretending the tides would shift for the better

It's an echo of a scream,
lost in the midst of thousands.
All of whom just need one chance
to live a life dictated by their own hands.

Plaster poured upon bowed heads,
forever to be frozen as beggars.
Not one whisper to be said
from those immortalized together.

There are choices
Choices to be good
to be someone who cares
Who does everything possible
to please the plethora of people
asking for your soul.
Choices to be bad
to be someone who is selfish
Who does everything possible
to please the heart that
resides within.

Release me from this hell hole
Of feelings not yet felt
Of words not yet said
Of people not yet met
Of relationships too soon set

Release me from this hell hole
I beg of you, please
I cannot sit here and listen
To the petty problems of
Society. Especially when they
Fall out of my mouth.
How could I be affected
By crap that has no meaning?
Why do I pretend that any of this
Will matter in the end?
Why am I so ignorant of
The life I should be living?
How could I take part in being
A normal teen, when that right
Was taken at birth?

There are issues and problems
And then there is my life.
The embodiment of disappointment,
My life serves the perfect example
Of what happens when cultures are
Mixed by the hands of inexperienced
Adults, that think they know best.

I feel a bit lost,
I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel as if the world
is looking at me, frowning.
Everyone must think
that I'm a fool for letting myself
reach the brink
for someone that only looks to me
when he can't see himself.  

I care too much
I care too fast
I make mistakes
with consequences that last
I don't take chances,
I take risks
and that's all the difference
that matters in the end.

I wish you luck,
I wish you joy.
Please don't look back
and notice the quiver
of unspoken thoughts
hanging in the air
as I say nothing
and think everything.

Explain to me this
Why does the world say that love is the best feeling?
When all I feel is cold
Empty words from empty people
****** words tumbling from my mouth
Masking the ****** up feelings inside
The tough face I put on melting for moments
Before I realize that those moments of weakness
Ruin my chances to live
Because being numb is better than being vulnerable

Explain to me this
Why does everyone say it's okay to take a chance?
That it'll be worth it to say what I feel?
When all that leaves is ****** souls
and broken hearts. Jagged words pierce
skin, leave blood on my fingers.
Whose blood is it?
Because what hurts even more than rejection
is being rejected by someone you had a chance with.
Not even rejected actually-
But completely sidelined by.

Explain to me this
Why can't I have a life of friendships?
Why do I have to live through others,
Without seeing anything for myself?
Learning and yearning
Wishing for something different
Hoping for someone to save me.

Sinking ships
Severed rain
Drops of gold
Floating dreams
Crying oceans
Soaring clouds
Hurt filled caskets
Ends of vows

Shaky hands, shaky fates
Steady beat, steady life

Losing myself
In clouds of desperation
Oblivious to the hands
Reaching towards my trembling fingers
Just asking for me to try a little
Asking me to reach and reciprocate
To allow myself to be pulled to the other side
But I've made my home here
In the pits of despair
And the effort to accept the help
Seems infinite
Compared to the ease of huddling
Into the nooks of numbness

I learn so much about you
Everyday another boulder falls
Crushing countless other beliefs
Beliefs in your honesty being no.1

Forget what the words do to me
Don't you wish it wasn't said
That you'd lost your charm?
Or better yet, don't you care
About all the people you've lost!

I wish I could say
That knowing how painful
You're realization might be
Would make me stay by your side
And make me want to be your support
But it overwhelms me

I don't care about your pain
How selfish
Oh well

Please stop
I give in, time after time
Promises to myself
Promises to my faith
Broken- shattered so easily. Too easily.
Fragmented pieces flying
Embedding themselves within my soul
Like the pain a newborn feels from a splinter
Like the ache an arthritic man feels as he ages
Like the sting a toddler feels from a bee
Seemingly insignificant
Yet so terrifyingly huge
You keep coming back
I need you to stop

I panic at the thought of being alone
I found solace in a classroom
and even that was taken away
I get dizzy when I encounter my blood
though everyone says the bond is unconditional
I sit in the midst of those that say they love me
I weep and not one of them sees
I cry out and not one of them understands the pain in my shell of a heart
I try to be good but sometimes I can't control it
It all comes out- actions, words, thoughts, feelings
in a mess of emotion and release
A release that causes nothing but pain
I wish I could control my fate
I need control of something
The slight reprimands of actions not yet taken
Just instigate what shouldn't be started
I can't keep up to the future
I want to tear my heart in pieces
Hand one to everything that has a greater control
Over my blood than I do
And tell them all to do as they please
Mold a new heart from the old
Recycle the broken me into a machine
Because it's feelings and freedom of thought
That started this mess
My insecurities and weaknesses lead me to the brink
But a machine is monotone and cold and hard and
Frankly much more suited to the others
Than my blood-pumping heart is.
I want to stop living under the perception of control
Give everything up once and for all
Allow the gears to slip from my unwanted brain
Into the hands of the finest technician
Or perhaps the cheapest, as that would be what I deserve
Become reprogrammed to follow the whims of
Everything that controls my blood.

Kissed by the lights
Fluttering in the space between foreign and dangerous
Burned by their constant nearness
Yet fearing more the cold
Wanting to drink in their warmth
To keep them forever near
Wishing their floating nature could be adopted by me
Hoping no one sees the marks they leave
Hoping no one sees the happiness they give
....Though the lights are nomadic
and one day will wander too far
I give myself false hope that they will stay near
However I understand that even the lights' time will come

There's really no point
in changing oneself
Especially when everyone
thinks they know you.
There's really no point
in righting ones wrongs
Especially when everyone
decides you're tainted.
There's really no point
in apologizing
Especially when everyone
claims you're lying.

Never will it be said
That she was a genius.
Never will it be said
That she was talented.
Never will it be said
That she spoke kindly.
Never will it be said
That she was beautiful.
Never will it be said
That she carried value.

What will be said
Is that she was normal.
That she was average.
That she was capable
of ******* everything up.
That she didn't try enough,
didn't achieve enough,
didn't listen to what
would have saved her soul.
What will be said
Is that she wasn't terrible,
just mean.
Is that she wasn't stupid,
just dumb.
Is that she wasn't a gem,
just a pebble.

Scuffed soul,
scuffed body.
Imperfections layered
to cover the disappointments
of never being
anything
of worth.

I hate myself
and my blandness.
I hate my hair
and my sadness.
I hate my nose
and my bruteness.
I hate my feet
and my bitterness.
I hate my legs
and my desperateness.
I hate my wrists
and my selfconsciousness.

Perfection
Beauty
Happy
Brilliance
Selfless
Excitement

Nothing.

Ebbing through the haze
Overshadowing the little ones
Clawing at the backs of the elders
Whispering thoughts into the ears
of the impressionable naive ones
Silently beckoning all those
with the need for release
Eagerly awaiting a chance
To make a difference
To have a voice
To bring upon a change
.
.
Teenage Rebels

I lose my focus
Get lost in thoughts of you
Wonder how you're doing
Wish I could talk to you
Hate that it's become so much of a problem
Think of where I'd be
If I hadn't done what I did

I wish your brightness
Hadn't brought me to you
Like a moth to a flame

It was instantaneous
You filled my soul
And I drowned in the newness of it all

Other people talked to me
Other people showed me what love could be
But I never forgot you
I fell in something with the others
But I fell in love with you

The others don't know
No one knows.
You're my secret
But I don't- no. I can't
keep you anymore.

Goodbye.

Stop.
Shhhhhhh.

Listen.
To the roaring in your head.

Notice the chill.
The chill that comes with realizing how long it has been
since you stopped.

Do you remember?
When you were alone in the midst of society?
When you took a moment to listen to yourself?
When you gave in to the roaring behind your ears?

Sometimes all you need to do is
stop.