Release clouds my judgement
Or perhaps clears it
For I've lived under your hold for so long
That everything feels different
Hazily familiar
Eerily distant

Lust demands action
Selfishness becomes addiction
Empty words of admiration
Grand gestures displaying affection
Eyes full of adoration
Until the moment of affirmation
At which point everything becomes a result of corruption
Also known as the unforgettable transformation
The falling apart of all infatuation

Love demands nothing
Instead one finds them self automatically eradicating
All things that aren't exonerating
The one that they've found ravishing
And the mind begins fragmenting
Without forewarning
As happens to be the sign of one interlacing
Their thoughts with the one they've unconsciously been worshiping.

Convince me of my beauty
I'll retort with my blemished being
And accept not the superfluous comments

There's great reason
Behind my distaste for empty compliments
You may believe you have given me a gift
But it's really just a reminder
That I am not what people say
That I will not be what I wish
That I need others to remind me of my worth
When in reality
There is no real worth that I need to be reminded of.

enlightened persons
drift like the wayward souls
knowing what others cannot fathom
living in a realm unlike all else
finding no one
and needing nothing
for what they've come to know now
supplements them
in ways that our forlorn talks
of ideals and perfections can not

I'm Sorry.

It seems only fitting to apologize,
especially when addressing someone
as pure as you.
You make all my
imperfections feel insignificant,
You make me feel so much better
than I really am.

My ugly nature is so strong though,
that the moment I step away from
your beautiful light, the darkness
comes crashing down upon my aura.

Your perfection holds true always-
never will you blame or bring another to
shame, as deserving as they may be of it.
As deserving as I especially may be.

Your sweet essence cleanses mine,
I feel unworthy of your care, and
overwhelmed by your optimism.
How much I wish I could stay pure as you.
You personify the metaphorical angel
of dreams- belief is unnecessary for
heavenly light to shine from you.

I don't know if I'll ever repay your love
but know this- I truly apologize for what
burdens I've placed upon you- I'm learning
to carry my weight, I don't want your
perfection to break.

You ask nothing of me, but I ask it of myself.
How did I come to deserve you?

My life
is made up of
interesting lives.
People that seem
to always be in
motion, doing
and experiencing life
and all that it offers.
I merely sit and observe
from behind the railings,
Yearning to join in,
But having not the courage
That would be needed to
Step away from my life
Into the one I wish I had.

Your hidden thoughts are not so hidden.
Reeking from every look you throw my way
Seeping through every word you boldly say
Creeping from your aura and penetrating mine

**How Could I Not Feel Worthless?

I'm craving your attention
I'm practically begging
But you're blowing me off
With a few comments peppered throughout
And an empty concluding statement
As if you kept a stash handy
For times like these
To end
What seemed to have been the most
One-sided and lonely
Conversation

I see no benefit
to share my innermost thoughts
with anyone.
*Especially someone
intending to fix me.

I've become the secrets
that were whispered at twilight.
They floated toward me silently,
but burned intensely-
becoming branded on
my skin.

It's not that I want to hide them,
but I also don't want to display them-
At least not to you, not anymore.
For the more you know, the more I risk
losing you, or perhaps myself.

You are, unknowingly,  the detonator
of these explosive secrets.
They shine brightly, blindingly,
every time you come near.
I refuse to save myself
Destruction is inevitable.

The deeper you
understand the secrets, the closer your
essence creeps to the unseen button.
But you see, there's a catch. If I dare
stop you from treading near my end,
I risk bringing upon yours.

I refuse to save myself-
don't you understand?

The bursting of my secrets will yield
the most spectacular show of light.
For I will become the piercing white of the stars-
and you will be able to thrive within
the light of my destruction.

I can't keep my light
away from the one who loves it.
Instead I'll give you everything-
As is the price of secrets.

I listened without listening,
letting his words wash over me.
Yes, he was saying something
important, I'm sure-
But his animated actions and
quirky faces held my attention
in the way no words could.

It's funny how easy it is to do what's forbidden.
I care not for following guidelines and rules anymore.
So what if I'm ruining my life?

I shan't hold you accountable, don't worry your head about it. I've gotten a taste for self-exploration and for the freedom to do it.
No amount of your sickly sweet lectures will wash it away.

Tell me I'm wrong, see if I care.
I'll respond same as tonight-
With an open window and an empty bed.

Smother me with your lies;
I'll unveil the blinding truth
In the midst of all you dared deceive.

Shackle me with your idealism;
I'll expose the true confinement
That lies beneath sweet words.

Stab me with your fake love;
I will pierce the illusions of society
With your own barbed heart- for though
Your title comes under caretaker,
I've lived my life knowing you
Would be my undertaker.

Self pity is quite..
Irksome.
I know I'm being a downer,
But it's too hard not to be.
So I just end up being
that person.

You know the type;
The avoided, annoyingly sad
Person;
The person that knows exactly
How to **** the enjoyment
Out of others' lives.

It's as if unconsciously
I want everyone to feel as I do,
But trust me, I don't do it on
Purpose. I don't want to be
The downer any longer.

I want to be the life of the party.
The crazy and happy and witty person.
The one people like and enjoy.
Not the one that repels all these traits.

I promise, I've been trying
To be fun and sassy,
Open and playful,
Quirky yet Majestic-
But right now it all feels like an act.
Make believe, unreal, fake.

So I guess I'm stuck;
And in lieu of this, I cordially
Invite all those present to
My Pity Party.

I'm so done.

I cannot be perfect,
I was never smart.
I don't even scratch the term
intelligent.
Never mind me being
talented
or of any worth.
It's not self-pity,
It's self awareness.

It is said that joy is within everyone,
that it takes only a profound understanding
of perhaps the most demanding entity-
yourself-
to reach that feeling, that unnervingly satisfying emotion.

I dove deep
into the void I call a heart,
the dusty corners of my soul,
and I found..
nothing.

However this is not surprising
for I left emotion,
and my innate humanness,
back at the intersection we passed last.
Remember it?
The corner of
Love and Betrayal.

They say joy lies within yourself.
That you need only to delve deep and
Voila!
You've found joy, or happiness, or, well,
Something.
I mean, you're bound to find something-
if you go deep enough of course-
but who's to say it will be joy?

I dove deep
into the void I call a heart,
the dusty corners of my soul,
and I found..
nothing.

However this is not surprising
for I left emotion,
and my innate humanness,
back at the intersection we passed last.
What was it again? The corner of
Love and Betrayal?

Not trying to be obtuse,
but tell me now-
Is this all a game?
Is this all just a past-time?
Am I so fun to mess with
that you can't control it?
Better yet,
Am I supposed to be okay with this?

I may be nothing in your opinion,
I may also be nothing in mine,
But sometimes I question
your obvious disrespect for me,
and my quiet acceptance of it.

You pause in front of me,
take my hand in your own,
look into my eyes and
whisper exactly what I'd
not realized I was living for.

You pull me close
in front of everyone
without shame
without blame
and kiss me softly.

Then I awaken
from the dreams
that I knew better than
to think of
or believe in.

But it still hurts
and though I know
that I'm not fated to
be with you, or experience
what life is with you-
I can't not want you.

"Dare to be different"
I say, following the ideologies
of Everyone around me.

Everyone cares about their
image;
Self portrayal to those
unknown.

I've realized that
You never really looked at me-
Just through me.

You completely disregarded
My stories and tales
My spectacular (and not-so spectacular) adventures
My music preferences
My favorite things
My love for the sport cricket
My hate of roller coasters
My fear of dying pointless to the world
All the things that make me me

You never made the effort
You never really cared
You never did much of anything, actually

It's that feeling inside
Bubbly and Filling
Expanding through you
Making you burst at the seams

It's that feeling inside
Happy and joyful
Coursing within you
Making everything seem just right

It's that feeling inside
Bright and cheerful
Shining through everything you do
Making the world shine with you

It's that feeling inside
that appears only sometimes
But makes you realize
how much more there is to life

It doesn't seem like much
At least not at first
Just light little lines
Appearing so quickly
Seeming so innocent

But then the blood rushes up
And fills in the careful lines
Steadily in the beginning
But then you realize
That its not going to stop

Now they resemble smudges
A bit like a child's finger painting
Messy and uncontrolled
Varying shades of life's juice
Creating an unknown picture

Cool water pours down
Everything drips
Pink stains appear
But at last the blood runs out
Taking with it more than you know

Nobody gives a ****
Never did, never will
Would you?
I don't believe you.

Everyone cares about their
image.
That portrayal of self to those
unknown.
Dare anything threaten this
fragile, precariously put together item
and the world stops to help rid itself
of the threat.

Hopelessness
is a threat to perfection
Sadness, despair-
threats to perfection
Anxiety or depression?
Also threats to perfection
Everything that's not
pristine and proper
or bright and joyful
or conforming and obedient
is a
threat

And believe me, you treat it as such.

happiness
lingers in the crevices
of my brain
longing for a
chance to breathe
and to grow
but the thoughts
that overcame the
happiness
in the first place
are too dark
and resemble
the ever so cliche
black hole
******* up all the
light
leaving few traces-
just enough
to keep
the memory of true happiness
present
and the pure darkness
alive