Today, I watched a dying cockroach try and drag itself across my bathroom floor
It couldn't even drag itself properly

Sometimes I feel like that
Like the dying cockroach who can't even drag itself properly to the unknown safety of beyond

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

I want to feel your arms around me again
The heat of your skin against mine
The way I can feel your heartbeat in your chest

I wish you would see me when the sunlight plays with the colors of  daisies
Can I at least pretend you do?

I want your lips gently pressed on mine
I want to hear your laugh again
I want to breathe in your heavenly smell and forever get lost it
I want to see the way your eyes light up with fire when you look at me

But I can't

Because you're gone

Do you feel me in the wind?
Because I feel you.

There once was a boy with summer sky colored eyes.
His mouth was made of wild raspberries.
His laugh of falling leaves.
He fell in love with a girl with trees in her eyes.

There was once was a girl with trees in her eyes.
Her mouth was made of rosebuds.
Her laugh of rushing waterfall.
She fell in love with a boy with summer sky colored eyes.

His hands were made of water.
When he touched her,
Her strawberry heart grew.
And grew.
And grew.
And grew.
She bathed in his summer eyes.
She tasted his wild raspberries
And always wanted more.
She danced in his falling leaves.

She lived to see the sunshine sparkle in those summer eyes.
To feel his water hands
Ingulf her in his sea.

But then the summer sky eyes filled with icy snow.
Her strawberry heart gave a sorrowful squeeze.

He told her he had to leave.

But he told her he would be back.
He kissed her rosebud mouth one last time.

And flew away.

The trees died.
The rosebuds stopped blooming.
The waterfall stopped rushing.
The strawberry heart grew still and quiet.

She looked.
And looked.
And looked.
And looked
For those summer sky eyes.

She saw
The deep blue of oceans,
The emptiness of a cloud covered night sky,
And honey filled hives.
Even green colored lemon trees.
But never the color of summer sky.

She thought they were gone forever.

But he was her forever.

He flew back to her.

She saw the summer eyes again,
When she thought she had stopped looking.
Her trees shook with raindrops.
His water hands engulfed her.
She felt the pulsing of his waves.
He said "I told you I would come back to you."

And she floated in his summer sky eyes forever.

I would say "I love you forever" but forever still doesn't seem long enough

I'll love you for as long as
Snape loved Lily

the smell of fresh beans
fills by dreams
beckons me forth to my culture, to my people
acceptance is key, but I'm rejected by the world
simply because I don't fit the stereotype
rejected by my people because I don't speak their language

engraved in my heart are the traditions and beliefs of my people
but my body betrays me
I am Mexican
I am American
but the world makes me choose one
because I don't look the way I'm supposed to

I love you

I love you with all my heart and soul

But do I love you enough to let you go?

'Hello, old friends' I say
As the voices in my head come rushing in
I thought I got rid of you
I thought I was
Beautiful
Stunning
Gorgeous
Magnificent
They smirk at me
Because we both know those things
Are
Not
True

i like to write in metaphors
but you're the one
i can't grasp
i just can't seem to find anything good enough to compare to you
my words fail me
and it occurs to me that all that is left
are my emotions swimming inside

My heart is torn in two
But I still can't give one half to you

Have you ever felt so free
Almost like you were on fire
Like you have the oceans to yourself to swim and explore
Like the clouds were yours
Like every breath of air felt like precious gifts of life and you just want to scream with joy

Because if you haven't
I want you to have mine

I used to hate making decisions
Well, until I met you
Because you see, I never knew where I was going
I'd think I found my path
And then guess what?
Surprise, surprise there'd be a fork in the road
The pressure to choose would eat me alive
The water would rise above my head until finally at the last second I would find my way again

And then
I met you
With your all your love I love to swim in
And your careful words filled with honesty and truth
And with your soft kisses
Because oh, when you kiss me,
I promise I've never felt so beautiful

And now I know where I'm going
I know that all the paths that I've choosen have all led up to
You

I want to be your ocean tide.
Let me pull you in.
You can discover my deep depths.
The parts where the sun can't even reach.

Let me glimmer in the moonlight.
Take a plunge in my waves.

I could write you a million love poems
But I still don't think they would be able to capture the feelings in my chest
Because when I look at you
words suddenly fail me
And my heart is at a loss
Because I don't know how I ever lived without you
And now I don't ever want to
Because you're the answer to my questions
The beginning of the end
You
Are
Mine
And I'll want that forever

you are my song
the beat to my heart
the rhythm in my step
the happiness in my laughter

Would you let me hear your heartbeat?
Does it sound the same as mine?
I'm convinced that you're too divine to be made of the same parts as me

I want to hear your heartbeat every night before I sleep
I want to fill in the small pauses between beats with love and joy
I am not worthy of that
But somehow you still let me
You say your heart is mine

How did I ever get so lucky?

i miss you
so much
it's almost
*paralyzing

my love for you fizzled up
like soda left on the counter
like a fish with no water
slowly inhaling what kills it

i don't know when it happened
im not even quite sure why
but sometimes you stepped on my emotional mines without even realizing they were there
exploding inside my heart
ripping me up inside
i know you didn't mean it
but i didn't need someone else making me feel like i wasn't good enough
maybe that's why i pulled away
maybe i was the air that ****** the carbonation out
maybe i drowned myself
i'm sorry i couldn't be what you wanted
i'm sorry i let myself get in the way of our beautiful
i often do that
my emotional scars can be quite fragile
the stitches are still in place
the wounds barely healed
i'm sorry you couldn't make me feel good enough
maybe because you are so much greater
maybe it was just the wrong time
i'm not sure
but i'm sorry

I love to watercolor paint
To watch one color bleed into another
Because that's really what we all are
Bleeding hearts
Waiting for another color to come along
To bleed into
And make the perfect shade of an in between color

It's ironic how quick you flee
It's almost funny how fast I tumble back down
But it's not funny
Because rock bottom doesn't feel so nice when you've felt the kisses of the clouds

I can't sleep
My heart is wide awake
I can't breathe without your pheromones filling my lungs  
They're like earth and mud and the good kind of sweat all mixed up in one
But I can't quite catch your smell anymore
My heart is left without it's oxygen supply
So I'll stay up and feel my heart slowly suffocate

I've started to feel you pull away
You're a leaky sink
Slowly but surely leaving me behind
drip drop
my heart is silently breaking
drip drop
I don't know how to stop this
drip drop
I think there's something wrong with my faucet
Because no matter how hard I twist there's always the drip drop of you

It's okay to cry
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to feel the world crushing in around you
It's okay to want to smash your face against a wall
It's okay to feel so empty you question if you're even alive

my heart goes out to you
1,000 miles away
i hope it wraps you up
in warmth and love
i hope you smile bright
when you picture my face
and remember my laugh

To the man who is supposed to be my hero
You are my villain
To the man who is supposed to be my protector
You are my attacker
To the man who is supposed to lift me
You are the reason I fall down

Do you ever  feel like screaming?
Or is that just me?
I want to feel the anger trapped inside my chest burst.
I want to capture in my hands
And eat it alive.
I want to feel it squirm and wiggle with fright
Before I take the first bite.

"You are what you eat," they say.
That's strange.
I don't remember eating this pain.

sometimes I feel like
jealousy
is engraved in me
like feeling
less than
is how I'm supposed to feel
these thoughts ****** me
until I'm drunk with sadness

Where did you go and why did you leave me?
Was I not good enough for your companionship?
I can't remember the last time I felt you around
Did you quietly slip away into the setting sun or were you more like the switch of a light, suddenly gone?
I know it wasn't your fault
It was mine
For changing
For wanting to grow
I pulled away thinking you'd follow along
But you didn't
The string was cut
The sever was left frayed and uneven
And I can't get it back because time doesn't work that way
I want to move forward
But I'm stumbling around in the dark
Waiting for the spark of your love to ignite back inside me

i love you
and ill stay forever
because i figured out what i needed
what i always wanted
is you

i like to turn off my frontal lobe
let my amygdala and limbic lobe start screaming
let them ooze their tears
feel each and every stab
i know it's irrational
maybe it's a little self destructive
but the numbness is always worse than every scar they have caused me
because you see my frontal lobe likes to make me an empty shell
it likes for me to pull away from the pain
and let the darkness eat me alive

Climb down into the bright, raspberry red of my heart
Can you hear how it beats for you?

Wrap your ocean arms around me
I want you to pull me into your depths
It's only there that I feel home

Can you tell I'm breathing easier?
Or maybe I'm just breathless

I love the way our names rhyme
Right down to our nicknames
Maybe I'm being a romantic but I feel like it's a sign
A sign that we cannot part
Because everything we say and do is in the perfect iambic pentameter
Measured so fittingly together
In perfect harmony
In a lovely melody
A cadence and rhythm I know all the words to
An overwhelming happiness I can live my life to

If I am the ocean, you are my moon
With each rise of my tide, my love grows for you
There's not anyone who knows how to pull me in quite like you
Because you see, I believe I was made for you
And you for me
And with each moonrise, I feel the pulling of gravity push me closer to you
My ocean heart skips a beat
The waves come crashing
And one day, my love, we won't be so far
The glistening of my waves will be yours
And the radiance of you will be mine

Is there anyway I could just die without really dying?
Maybe all my atoms could just simply be absorbed back into earth
They could create something more useful and pretty
Maybe my soul could be swept up in the wind
It could whisper sweet messages to all those who need it
Maybe my pain could create a deep, engulfing canyon
And all those who come across it could understand why

i miss the towering, snowcapped mountains
the blue of your eyes
the chill in the air
the warmth of your hands

sometimes i forget what it was like to not be in love with you
that's when i become quite cynical
rolled my eyes at romance novels
flipped the channel when any romantic comedy dared to come on
skipped all my favorite love songs
i almost was engulfed in rage when movies ended sappy
i shunned the romance out of my life just like i shunned you
i was quite angry, you see
because i was never really not in love with you
i knew what all those movies and books and songs were professing
and although sometimes they can be quite dramatic i knew some form of that love was
real
oh, so very real
and now i revel in it every day
it wraps me up and keeps me warm
i breathe it in and it infuses with my skin
and i almost forget how i tried to fool myself about not being in love with you

I know it's your fault
You even said it

But then why do I feel like this
Like sadness is dropping off my body as if I'm drenched in sweaty sorrow
Like I'm drowning in my own self hate as if I'm the one holding my own head down under my own self pity

Because a part of me
Feels like
I couldn't even keep you
Interested enough

You say that you love me
I believe you because
I'm drowning in your love
You may think "how romantic"
But it's not
Because it's creeping higher and higher
And I know one day
I won't be able to breathe
It'll slowly creep in
And
Crush my lungs
Your love is killing me

to watch the laughter play across your face
is to watch the sun rise finally break across the horizon

I love to watch the sunrise
The yellow gold of the sun
Reminds me of the
Yellow gold in your eyes
Each day renewed with the shining of the sun
Each day my love renewes with the shining of your eyes

my instincts are telling me to pull away
but I just want to stay

inadequecy
will be the death of me

I feel as if I'm wearing a t shirt soaked in my past sadness
Always slightly weighing me down
I don't want my past to be the whole sum of me
But it seems like all the numbers are adding up quite nicely

i don't like capital letters
their formal figures towering over the others
belittling
mocking
always looking down upon
oh, capital letters
i am tired of you saying i am not good enough
because i know why you hold your nose so high
it's so that you can't smell the rotting of your soul

I don't think I could ever get the words just right
so I guess I'll just stick with
I love you
But oh my dear,
Those are just the start of what you do to my heart

the difference between being in your life
and
being a part of your life
is like the difference between
a pond and a lake
you just know it when you see it
and i just know it when i feel it

Now, you know the secrets of my heart
The whispers in my head
That bring me
down
down
down
for years and years and years
I've been stuck in the dark, deep gloom
never pretty enough
never good enough
never enough
There's always something I need to
change
change
change
I want to be yours forever
But this is my forever
Trapped inside lies and feelings of inadequacy
My heart is worn thin
from years of self loathing
So it's sensitive and raw
With any slight wrong step
The Walls go up
My mouth stays closed
Trapped inside
Stuck with the lies of
never enough
I am sorry

You asked me what all my scars meant
Well, my love, I've spent years of my life self loathing
This big one right here is from the months I fell to sleep wishing I'd never wake up
And the numerous ones right here are from all the times I've felt inadequate
And these scarlet ones are from the times I felt so angry that I had to be me
These quiet ones here are from all the times I knew I needed help but never said a word
And all these skinny ones here are for the times that I hated this body that I live inside and for the times the mirror in my head liked to tell me lies
These are for the times I felt like I was drowning in frustration because I never matched the perfect person my brain wanted me to be
And these are for the time I felt so lost and trapped inside my head
These are for the times I let my happiness be defined by an immature boy who saw the the start of these wounds and never bothered to ask me why
I've waged a wicked war with myself
I cried and yelled and yearned to be everything except me

My scars are healing
The blood of my own words has long been washed away
And here they all are for you to see my past in all it's pitiful glory
But please don't worry
I am okay
The wars have stopped
I may stumble and have a scuffle from time to time
But I am okay, really, I promise

i am neither here nor there
but i think of you everywhere

behind my eyes
you're so clear

when i open them
i almost expect you
to be laying there
next to me

but each time
there's only empty space
to match my empty
heart