you were a cheap high
that never lasted long enough
and for ***** sake,
i am shaking like a recovering addict
without you around

i didn't think you cared,
but you told me at 6am
that you hoped
you don't wake me up
and it's strange
because two months ago
you were pleading
to my silent phone
for me to wake
but i guess this is your way
of saying you still care
even though we hadn't spoken
in 23 days

25 kilometers
from my house to home
to the place where you made me guess
which baby in the photo was you
to the place where i learnt more about you
from what was on your desk
than from anything you had ever said
where i spent hours on your bed
and watched cartoons with you all afternoon
25 kilometers
from home to my house
to the place where you parked your car
shook your head and said
"just stay calm," laughed
and never spoke to me again

i want to tangle my fingers
in your hair
and my legs
with your legs
and my lips
with your lips
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to kiss
your temple
your jawline
and just beneath your ear
your lips suppressing
the most tempting sound
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to watch
your chest
inhale
exhale
and your eyelashes flutter
while you sleep
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to wake up
with a heavy weight
on my chest
your head
resting delicately
on my stomach
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i don’t want to see you
gently wake
fists brushing your eyes
hands running
through your hair
eyes eyeing the door
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to watch you
as you lightly hold
that golden handle
the way
you cup my face
in your hands
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to breathe
as you open the door
head moving
wanting to look back
but flicking forward
gone
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i want to scream
shout
cry out your name
hurt you
for leaving
for existing
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to watch
my fingers trembling
my lips
moulding to form your name
my mind
whispering

you,
you,
you.

always
you.

never escaping
you.

breathing,
   increasingly
      faster.

i try to write about you
but i can't
there's not a single word
that can describe how i feel
i just miss you

i miss you

my name rolled off your tongue
in the same calculated way
that waves roll to the shore
and your eyes pierced my soul
in the same deadly way
that an animal stalks its prey
and i knew from then
that i would soon be your victim
and you would be
nothing but my murderer

i required permanence
in the form of your heartbeat
echoing in my chest
and you required transience
in the form of lips colliding
and skin touching

i used to be yours

i look at you
and my mind rehearses

lines of poetry,
words that define
the creases around your eyes
and the way
the deep brown haze
glimmers like a million stars,

sentences that describe
the way
your smile taunts
even the saddest of minds
into recreating that
perfect half moon,

emotive imagery
that instills
every heart in the universe
with the feelings
that you
cause mine

but no words
can summarise
the details of you
because you are
complex
and eternally endless.

the back of my hand
is so unfamiliar
compared to the
brown
of your eyes,
the stray hairs
on your chest,
the pace
of your breathing,
so unfamiliar
compared to
*you.

i spend most of my time crying and listening to the same ******* front porch step song and it's ironic because the song is called drown and that's exactly what i want to do and i can't tell if i want to drown in an ocean or drown in you but i guess they both come with the exact same feeling because i am suffocating either way

i hope you find me
on the tongue
of every girl you kiss,
at the bottom of
your cup of tea,
in the sand
that lines the backseat of your car,
in the moments
after 11pm,
in everything
that belonged to you and me.