i want to tangle my fingers
in your hair
and my legs
with your legs
and my lips
with your lips
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to kiss
your temple
your jawline
and just beneath your ear
your lips suppressing
the most tempting sound
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to watch
your chest
inhale
exhale
and your eyelashes flutter
while you sleep
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i want to wake up
with a heavy weight
on my chest
your head
resting delicately
on my stomach
breathing,
   slowly,
      softly.

i don’t want to see you
gently wake
fists brushing your eyes
hands running
through your hair
eyes eyeing the door
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to watch you
as you lightly hold
that golden handle
the way
you cup my face
in your hands
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to breathe
as you open the door
head moving
wanting to look back
but flicking forward
gone
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i want to scream
shout
cry out your name
hurt you
for leaving
for existing
breathing,
   increasingly
       faster.

i don’t want to watch
my fingers trembling
my lips
moulding to form your name
my mind
whispering

you,
you,
you.

always
you.

never escaping
you.

breathing,
   increasingly
      faster.

I AM SO ANGRY
WITH YOU
AND WITH ME
AND IT FEELS ALMOST AS THOUGH
YOU LEFT YOUR HANDS
IN MY CHEST WHEN YOU
REACHED IN
TO STEAL MY HEART
AND NOW THEY'RE ACHING
TO BE FREED
AND I CAN FEEL THEM CLAWING
INSIDE OF ME
AND I CAN FEEL THEM
REACHING UP MY THROAT
SUFFOCATING ME
REMINDING ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT HERE ANYMORE
THAT YOU WERE NEVER HERE
TO BEGIN WITH

and isn't it funny how
i spent each second of last night
listening to that **** clock tick
from 3am til 7
but the second i was in your arms
sleeping was almost as easy
as breathing

i will go to hell and back
to prove that day 44
has been harder than day 1
and maybe i don't feel as much
but that's because everything good inside of me
has been replaced with numb

if you were wondering
i'm doing much better, baby
only every second thought
is about you now

25 kilometers
from my house to home
to the place where you made me guess
which baby in the photo was you
to the place where i learnt more about you
from what was on your desk
than from anything you had ever said
where i spent hours on your bed
and watched cartoons with you all afternoon
25 kilometers
from home to my house
to the place where you parked your car
shook your head and said
"just stay calm," laughed
and never spoke to me again

i required permanence
in the form of your heartbeat
echoing in my chest
and you required transience
in the form of lips colliding
and skin touching

i used to be yours

i look at you
and my mind rehearses

lines of poetry,
words that define
the creases around your eyes
and the way
the deep brown haze
glimmers like a million stars,

sentences that describe
the way
your smile taunts
even the saddest of minds
into recreating that
perfect half moon,

emotive imagery
that instills
every heart in the universe
with the feelings
that you
cause mine

but no words
can summarise
the details of you
because you are
complex
and eternally endless.

the back of my hand
is so unfamiliar
compared to the
brown
of your eyes,
the stray hairs
on your chest,
the pace
of your breathing,
so unfamiliar
compared to
*you.

i spend most of my time crying and listening to the same ******* front porch step song and it's ironic because the song is called drown and that's exactly what i want to do and i can't tell if i want to drown in an ocean or drown in you but i guess they both come with the exact same feeling because i am suffocating either way

i hope you find me
on the tongue
of every girl you kiss,
at the bottom of
your cup of tea,
in the sand
that lines the backseat of your car,
in the moments
after 11pm,
in everything
that belonged to you and me.