Depression is having nightmares
And still not wanting to wake up
Because the terrors
Your mind makes up
Is still less scary
Then what you have
Become

They said revenge was sweet
So dust off your tongue and tell me
How you really feel,
Sharpen your teeth so it matches
The sharp feelings inside of me
The past is a ball in chain
In a dark room somewhere, there is a key
But none will free me
There is no justice in tragedy
Just blame and agony
And too many one-sided stories
Too many sad and familiar places
Basking in all its glory,
But I can still picture their faces-
I can still see them come before me
I can feel the warmth in their hands,
And the warmth of the words
“I'm sorry”

The days must go on
Regardless,
Can't revisit an old garden
And expect it to grow
It's over
I know,
Just dirt and dust
Wilted flowers
With little hope
Or trust
In any growth
Though I have been on my
Hands
And
Knees
Getting my hands *****
Dug up all our roots
And bad bones
But was still deemed unworthy
You would pick any flower
Over me
Wilted,
But not done
Because all I ever needed
Was a little water
And sun
To grow
Up

(and someone else will see how beautiful I have become)

It has been a while since we've spoken
I have been tugging on a broken line
May be too gone this time, Lord
Been too low to be grounded
My demons dancing in a conga line
I am surrounded

You made me in your image
But what if I don't like what I see?
Is that insulting?
Is that absurd?
I made almost all my angels flee
It keeps me knocking on heavens door
So tell me, are you listening??
I'm not feeling assured

They say you turn water into wine,
But none of that tonight
I can settle for a bitter cup of coffee,
For a bitter state of mind
To keep me up so I won't dream of
Grandparents who can't walk
Or my lifelong companion
In a wild dogs jaw
Or an angry pair of sapphire eyes
I know I've failed them all

Water into wine, maybe two or three
Will make me numb enough to remind me
Of what their love was like,
Like the warm screams secreting
From my windpipe, do you hear me now?
Can you listen to me tonight???

I know I can be cowardly disciple, even a sheep
In lions clothing- wasn't your book written for
People like me
No, I don't want to be
Self loathing, another fallen angel
You lose hope in, don't let me go
Off the deep end, let the bitterness
I've been sipping on be sweetened
Please

The aftermath of betrayal

I was hoping this was a nightmare
When my alarm went off, so did I
I jumped and grabbed my chest
With an ache in my heart,
and a pain on my side
As I remember the night before
Bits and pieces going back into place
Words and feelings I cannot erase
I would go find the bottle-
But I am out of chase
And cannot handle
any more bitterness today
I feel so betrayed

I hear my friends outside-
Everyone going on with their lives
While I am struggling to keep up with mine
I grab the side of the mattress
And push you aside
Your snores echo in the room
Just like my little cries
Crawling out of bed-
Got to greet the day
But I ignored the sun
I feel so betrayed.

And when you awake,
How am I supposed to smile at you?
How will this be the same?
How am I to do what lovers do?
Because in my chest theres a cavity
There lays a hallow heavy space
This space knows no limit, or gravity
A space where trust used to lay
And nothing to take its place
I feel so ******* betrayed

Waking up next to you, and what do I see?
A smirk and a kiss, coming from someone happy
Your eyes cloudy from all of that dreaming
But clearly there's things between the lines
That I'm not reading

I have been questioned if I knew the person I loved
And I have answered yes, with such confidence
With a smile that could break boundaries, but apparently ignorant
How could I not know the other half of myself? My dearest friend?
But I see your scriptures, your withering sentiment
There are things I do not know yet

I have tried to crack open the skull and see what's inside
I wonder how much truth all find, and see how many lies have been fed to me
I could just live in ignorance, continue to think I know and live so easily
I have given life times of love
But is it enough?
Oh, maybe the lies just please me
But there are things in between the lines of your poetry that I am not reading

The insides of you may only be a stranger, I only know the paths of your skin
And the corners of your smile, and the symphony of laughter
I will continue to be on the outside, circulating my way in, but always meet a guard at the door
Pointing me the other way, from the person I adore
And who is that? I do not know anymore.
It is you, but who are you?

So many demons of yours that I have never been introduced too.
I thought my empathy and my heart had a couple of uses
Maybe I want you hold you, and kiss your bruises
Maybe I want you to take me down the dark hallways, past the guards and the locks
To tell me about your drug uses, and all of your abuses

But you sprinkle me with stardust until I am stunned
Keep me occupied with your words and your tongue
Keep me sleeping, 12 hours around the clock, over time
Keep me from reading in between the ******* lines

3, 6, 9, 12 months
Counting the days like a child does
A child you always claimed I was,
Oh I feel better and better as the numbers go up

Looking at the calander now I am proud
Of the woman I have become
The woman you never thought I was
And free from what my foolish heart thought was love

Because I have kissed the lips of fate
And those lips had an entirely different taste
I felt the hand of a real man, who wiped tears from my face
Every time I look at him I am more then okay
I am great

A year ago today, and man, that went by fast
A year ago today I was latched onto my past
But today I can look at your face and laugh, and laugh, and laugh

3, 6, 9, 12 amazing months
Planning the days like a grown woman does
And spending those days with a man worthy of my love
My body has regenerated cells that you have NEVER touched
What a great year this has been and was!
Oh, I feel stronger and stronger as the numbers go up