We never say, "I love you."
The words always get stuck somewhere between our hearts and our tongues. Forcing us to swallow our affection, and replace the phrases that seem so hard to say with words that are much easier to get out.

Instead of "I miss you." we say "*******."
The distance makes us distraught, as we toss knives at the one person we never want to push away.

Instead of "I trust you." we ask each other to check our phones, because there's nothing on there I don't want her to see.

Instead of "I need you." we look at colleges together.
The idea of leaving each other is so implausible that we spend our time designing our future apartment. Each draft has one shared detail- a wooden bunk bed, so we can fall asleep to the sound of the other's breathing, the reassurance that we  will never have to be alone. The reassurance that I will never have to live without my other half.

We never say, "I love you."
We do not need to.
We say it with every sarcastic comment, every inside joke, shared memory, favorite song, every inhale, and every exhale.

I miss you.
I trust you.
I need you.

We never say, "I love you."
Either that, or we never stop saying it.

Sometimes you know, sometimes they do
sometimes they don't. I wish I could turn
it off, but only time is capable.

All this time, I could have known, to foresee
helps to forget. I'm stuck, situation unknown,
but similar, I don't want to stay awake.

Thank god for music, music wouldn't turn
it's back. Like hope has, and she has, and
my images have.

I see
You have
A beautiful ocean in your eyes
Tonight
An ocean
Filled with love, kindness, and care
Seeing the world how it is
That ocean
So deeply passionate with wonder
Eyes that cannot see themselves
For the beauty that they are
Eyes thay have shed tears
For forgotten love
Your eyes, they swim, they glitter, they shine
They say everything that you cannot see
You are beautiful, wonderful, and smart.
I see you have a beautiful ocean in your eyes tonight.

I turn and there you are
you're on the bed with the guitar in your lap
you gesture me over
and I lay next to you

I watch you pick each string delicately
each string moves slowly
yet you strum them quickly

you play a sweet song that ****** a smile on my face
I fall into a trance
I'm under your spell
my eyes are closed and I'm soothed

I feel your lips against mine
and those hands against me

You touch me so gently
so softly you wouldn't know the work on them
the callouses disappear
the scars fade
they feel like home

His hands know the old strings
His hands know work
and his hands know me

We sat on opposite beds
and talked about our future
and I think the word "scary"
was used a dozen times.
I told you the truth
about why I sometimes get sad-
about how everything seems
monotonous and irrelevant,
and you seemed like you hadn't thought of it that way,
but then you seemed like you really understood,
and I think it maybe even
made you a little sad.
I told you the truth
about why I get high-
about how I think so much
that it hurts and it's the only thing
that helps.
You agreed about
thinking too much,
and you told me that your mind
flows from one thought to another too quickly
and that sometimes
it doesn't take a break
and you have to take a moment
to catch your breath,
and then you felt silly
that you had admitted that,
and you shyly said "you know?",
and I nodded,
because I really do know.
I let you talk most of the time,
because I knew that
you needed it,
and because honestly,
I just really like
hearing your voice.
You left my arms too soon
because someone left something
in your car, and I could tell
that you were agitated,
so I tried not to let it hurt too badly,
and you apologized several times,
and then said you would
"talk to me very soon",
and I tried to believe you.

normally the weather outside stays outside
but today it effects me like an ocean tide
seeing the fog at 7:53am
everything sensed became bland

once the cold kicked in and the ice ascended
the warmth inside rescended
a day i wished to be left alone
could not be acquired because of my own

three of them calling for undivided attention
the two oldest in constant dissension
oh the noise of it all
slowly boiling in my veins as a crawl

anger rising tattle by tattle
body still but beginning to rattle
i tell them to leave each other alone
i tell them to leave me alone

the weather outside
has found its way inside
i am cold and brittle
i feel so little

- S.M.S