Love is messy, not what they make it out to be
I carry the pain from this love, it doesn’t disappear like they say
This love is reckless, maybe even toxic
It’s a high I’ve learned to depend on
It puts damage to my thoughts, drains me of every last drop
Something I can’t abandon when I see the happy days
Love is messy, will it ever be as happy as it seems

I like to imagine that you love me
Find home in my eyes
Happiness in my smile, knowing you caused it
Won’t you think of me fondly, please?
If only I were lovable and you were capable of such a thing

My heartbeat is off
It’s doing what it’s supposed to, beating
Just not for you, the skip is gone
I know I’m okay, I’m alive
But I miss that skip I get when I’m with you
I have to accept the staggered, hurt, heartbeat
My heart was beating for you, not anymore

i’m tired of this charade
this act we both put on
you can keep saying you care
but if you really do then why do i find myself in the same place day after day
crying on the floor feeling more alone with every second
trying to search for a lifeline
there’s nothing left for me here
i only existed in your world when you needed someone to hurt

There’s an ache in my soul that I can’t shake out
It sends cries through my body that make me double over in agony
There’s an ache in my heart beating me down
It makes me destroy myself from the inside out
There’s an ache in my soul that must be slashed out of my body and I think it might just **** me

Woke up crying asking yourself why you can’t just be happy
I hate you for the sappy disappointment you let yourself become
Maybe it’s time you changed for the better
Tired of you blaming it on bad weather
Everything wrong in your life is linked back to you
So just ******* get over it already
Don’t say you’re sorry when there’s no change made
Who cares if you’re trying your best
Why can’t you see that I don’t care about behind the scenes
You have no reason to stay when you’re being such a pain

Everything touched by me turns to a cold black abyss
I am red with a fiery passion which brings me no joy
Watch the colors dance around my silhouette
They tease the sadness that surrounds me
Elaborate designs branch from this darkness
Who I am provides a seemingly endless stream of despair
And yet I can view the beautiful sights that come from this nothingness
It almost seems as though I can feel the warm vibrant memories
But I’ll never experience what it’s like away from the heavy space
Let me patiently wait for the end of me and this affliction
Make its way through my body and tighten like a snake

I was left searching
Searching for hope
someone to love me
something to make me love myself
it wasn’t the substances we used on lonely friday nights
it wasn’t the guy that did nothing but whine
it was you and it always has been
Found hope in the way you smile at me with everything in you
found love when you would comfort me on exhausting restless nights
found a reason to smile when i looked at myself and saw the pieces of yourself you’ve embedded in me

A broken heart beat is all that keeps me
Keeps me in my flawed thoughts
I cannot handle any of it any longer
Decide my time is up, but I seem to say that a lot
Stuck in this loop of deciding to leave but never being able to step outside of my mind and into the unknown
Decide to stay, but not because the flawed parts of me are gone
Stuck in a scary middle between desperately longing to wake up dead and not being able to bring myself to do what I’ve wanted to for so long
Decide to stay in a world I will always want to leave

Cracked ribs
Heart exposed
Tearing me up thought by thought
Look at the symphony of regret I composed
The flowers that blossomed in my bones
Cared for you in all my time
joy turned to a stomach full of stones
Your voice now weeded in my soul
Screams bouncing through my skull
Fallen with no hope left to climb

We are learning to love in this decaying world but I'll try to survive the destruction of everything around us if it means I get to be by your side along the way

Fasting from your love makes me feel home sick
I’m alone and it feels like you should be next to me
Maybe you’ll see I’m the one so I’ll be waiting by the phone hoping you’ll call just knowing you came to take away this heartbreak
I think part of me knows
It knows that this is my forever
I thought it was you but from here on out I’m nothing but pain and tears full of love for the one that got away
My mind tells me it’s fine but my heart stills beats to the rhythm of your voice when you tell me you love me
If I listen to my mind I know I’ll be okay but my heart will be the death of me when your silence ends the rhythm

Still going through the motions of dealing in matters of wasted potential. None of it gets easier the next time around. It’s a new person saying, “I feel it too. This could be something, but I don’t want it.” For whatever reason, one I may never be sure of. I can never hold it against them. Doing the right thing for yourself will leave the heart of another broken at times.

The child in me cries out, beating on the body grown around her. It’s a constant shriek of, “Why?!” A begging for something more. Even in the acceptance of endings, she wants the end to stick around a little while longer.

This isn’t really acceptance though, is it? It’s admitting the end is needed, not wanted. It’s clinging tightly enough to what’s dead to be okay with lingering in the ashes. Studying the bones and fractures for more of it. Knowing the dead will never rise, but unable to find comfort in the living.