and just like that,
light, fresh air, seeing everything, seeing Myself, seeing how i've lived up to this point, everything, all of it
all at once.
the veil was lifted again and the person i was seems so far away.
there is no past.
this is a clean slate.
i am a new person.
i am not my past, it just happened to me, i am not stuck there because if i was, i wouldn't be here.

i am here.
i am not there or anywhere but here.
going up and forward.
no more looking behind my shoulder,
no more opening scars,
no more of that.

i am reborn.

he turned to me like everything came back to him again.
"i remembered your voice."
i haven't heard yours since i was 10 but i still remember the softness of your hands and ** you looked at everything will an expression that might as well be the textbook definition of gentleness.
i remember the drawings you gave me the day i left, you told my dad that although i was young,
i already knew who i wanted to be.
i didn't know what you meant then but after everything that's happened,
i do now.

but then everything was silent,
everything was still.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over and over again.
your hand touched mine, bringing me back.
our hearts synched and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind me of what it is to be alive,
to truly be alive.

do you remember when we rode bikes together?
how we kissed under the rain like we were straight from a movie.
it felt like the sky parted in two and raindrops felt like diamonds above us, falling on us.
this is what loving you feels like.
it feels like late night coffee.
how you rest your chin in your hand and we doze off talking about nothing.
it feels like warmth,
every kind.
waking up in your arms, sitting in front of the fireplace, hugging you when i come home.
do you remember when we cried watching that movie on our first date?
we talked about it all night, until the sun came up.
we copied the bird's songs outside and smiled.
oh how i knew this wasn't a mistake,
how i knew this wasn't a coincidence.

i came in afraid. three years plus some of being afraid. no kid should live like that but it happens and it happened to me.
three years plus some, entering a new world. "these will be the best years of your life.", they told me but i couldn't help but imagine what life after death would be like. i came in afraid.

year two and i wanted things to get better but then i lost him and it was like a hurricane. my heart was ripped out of my chest and my papers have tear stains on them.
four years plus some of imagining my next life. this year was the worst. counselor offices and confused faces of adults who just didn't get it. my lowest of the low. yet i still stand.

i came in... well still afraid. 360. i remember sitting there and it all came to me. it all became clear and the thunderstorms above my head, the war in my heart,
Quiet. i see light, i see it all. i see me. warmth. closure. forgiveness. light.

i made it now. unafraid. i heard them all scream my name as i walked with pride, as i walked with my head held high in front of my entire class, in front of their family and friends.
i
made
it.
the thunderstorms seemed so far away, they still do. i am strong. i am light.
i made it.

i sat here thinking,
i thought about how i was beat with words and fists my entire life,
i thought about everything they used to tell me
"you're worthless.
i don't love you.
no one loves you.
you're the reason why you're alone.
you're ugly.
you're fat.
you're a burden.
disappointment.
unlovable."
i remember the bruises, the scratches, the broken heart that i used to believe was broken forever.
it's not.
how am i still here?
how do i still love?
how do i still forgive?
how do i smile?

i find love in everything,
i still find love and find things to love about myself.
i am love,
i am worthy.
they are wrong, they always were.
i am here,
i am staying.

i am love.
i am okay.
i am love, love, and love.

my dad is kicking me out, he's been verbally abusive and i guess this was his next move to make my life miserable.

i have 83 cents to my name and he's kicking me out in a few days.

i hate to ask but if, whoever is reading this, has even a dollar to spare, it would help immensely. even a prayer would be appreciated, thank you so much.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

my cashapp is $blipofjoy