for the first time in a long time, i feel like i can't be here.

yesterday, sitting in that chair, sitting in my desk chair in my room,
i felt insignificant.
i tried to imagine my life past this point and i couldn't.
i looked back at every single thing that happened to me that led up to this moment,
in horror, in sadness, in grief.

i was never around good, healthy relationships growing up. my parents were a bust, my older sister never taught me better. i grew to be someone who looked for someone who could give me what They all had.

subconsciously, i looked for someone who would hurt my heart so much that i believed that they did in the name of love. after years, i learned that, no, that wasn't love. that's not love. relationships aren't supposed to hurt you to the point where you have to learn to trust again. that's not love.

then i met you.

my heart weary, taking small steps towards you.
hands behind my back, i wondered what this would be.
i couldn't look you in the eyes,
i was afraid i could see the pain you would inflict on me behind your pupils.

but it wasn't like that,
not at all.
i went to sleep every night knowing i mattered to you,
i woke up every morning feeling butterflies.
i finally feel like a teenager.
thinking of you makes my cheeks hurt and i imagine us dancing in the kitchen,
i imagine us together, simply together.

i'm afraid to tell you i love you but i know it's real,
and i know you feel it too.
i know that this feeling is mutual and that's all i need right now.

mouth open, i wondered if the tears running down my face was enough to make you want to stay.
"you can't drive right now,
i need you. i need you here
with me
now.
i need you here."
i still remember how your face soften when you saw the way you pushed me into the wall was too hard,
but i still remember how quickly the darkness in your eyes came back.
i didn't care if anyone heard me scream for you,
i just wanted you to hear me.
i needed you there with me.

i thought that if i spoke louder than you then you'd finally be able to hear me
but you don't.
your hands push me away and i remember being stuck to your doorway, i saw how scared your eyes were and the venom you spout out wasn't you,
i knew it wasn't you.
i let you break my heart because it made you feel better
and if my words couldn't then at least the cracking and, ultimately, breaking of my heart would.
and that's all that mattered to me.

your phone is ringing in your bedroom,
you're too busy in the kitchen talking about another life,
talking about the future
like you're so sure about it.
your vocabulary only has "am",
i see your chest puff out with so much certainty.
i grew up wondering how you did it,
i always wondered what your secret was to making everything okay even when it really, really wasn't okay.
i grew up hoping, wishing, praying that it was genetic,
i wanted to make everything okay too.
but it wasn't,
it wasn't in my bones or my veins or woven into my existence.

she was always my hero.
i think that's why i never got into superhero movies or anything,
because i had one and, better yet, she was my sister.
i've seen the light in her eyes,
it's brighter than the sun.
i've also seen that same light turn into the darkest room in the world.
her soul has been hurt so many times,
her skin bruise,
tear stained face,
and a life that seemed to only be full of bad days.

take me instead of her.
god, gods, universe, anything,
take me instead.
for she still has that light, trust me.
these days and, truthfully, years have been the hardest for her.
take me instead.
she deserves to feel the sunlight on her skin and to feel the grass in between her toes.
take me instead.

i promise you she still has that light.
i can see it in her when she writes or when talks about her favorite songs,
i promise you it's still here.
give her time.
she'll come back.

when my door closed, i felt the wave again. the same wave i felt as i drifted off to sleep during the day and the same wave i feel as i go to sleep every night. this wave of sadness and it makes me feel small again.i'm reminded of every reason i'm not enough, reminded of every reason why no one could ever love me.

and i cry. it takes a while to get to my bed but i do it. the tears running down my face and i look at nothing and think of you. you. closing my eyes, it hits me harder. it's hard to breathe now. i sit back and let it take me. i let the wave hit me over and over again, trying to deep breaths, just like how everyone taught me.

it's not enough. because even i slow my breathing, even if the tears stop, it's all still there. i still feel small, i still feel inadequate. and i scan my room like it'll give me answers but the only thing it gifts me is reminders. i can still see these past stained walls through both the sun and moonlight.

eventually, i'll be able to close my eyes without tears slipping from them. and that's when i'll be ready to, hopefully, feel nothing until the sun comes up. if i'm lucky, my dreams will be nothing. if i'm lucky, i'll sleep through my alarms. if i'm lucky, i'll wake up feeling better.