When you called me
I waited a second to answer
Anxiety shook my body to its core
In that second time shifted
That second turned into 5 seconds
Then into 30 seconds
By then the phone stopped ringing

I never knew what heartbreak was
I was naive when it came to love
But somehow my perspective shifted
I felt my heartbreak in those 30 seconds

The phone rang again

And I watched it’s blinking red lights-
Mock the tears streaming down my face

I backed away
The phone screamed with desperation
Its screams ridiculing my heart
Laughing at the cracks forming

Missed calls
Most people don’t know the true meaning behind the name
I do
They call them that because they are missed conversations
Missed hopes, missed second chances
They are able to make someone miss you

I do not answer his calls anymore
It hurts too much to give myself false hope
When he just wants friendship

She sings day and night
Instead of praying she questions God.
She cries day and night
Instead of seeking for help,
She opens up for others.
She listen to their problems.
And in her mind..."If only you knew that my problem is worse than yours"
But she never walks away.
She always has a smile,
She always keeps a calm voice while saying
"Don't worry everything with be alright"
She sits at night starring at the stars.
She hopes to hear answers,
Over her roof she counts sheep,
The first always pretty.
The fifth singing so fine.
But the more she counts,
The louder the painful screams in her head.
She sits in the crowd wondering,
If anybody relates to her,
Or maybe sees the pain in her.
She sit all year hoping,
But in all that her hopes have been slowly fading.
If only you knew her rough patched
Am sure you would judge her less.

Sunday I said "Am done"
Yesterday I was obscure
Today I screamed "To hell with!"
But here I am again stumbling in my thoughts.
The loud scream in my head (your name).
When will all of this finally be over?when in the first place there was never a beginning.
I kept my love,
And you were open with your future.
At least in it there is space you left for love,
But to whom will that love be shared with?
That's the thing that crushes me the most.
Sunday I chose to let go,
But yesterday I found myself tortured.
Today I said I don't need you to be happy.
But here I am wondering,
'Is God really going to let it slip away just like that?'
I guess I will have to play along to God's plan until I know its settled.

"So do you still write?"
A close friend asked.
"Not so much, I haven't had anything to write"

She secretly wrote in black and white.
Typed, and edited her work.
But it was so unbearable to share,
She held all her present miseries she wanted left unsaid.

Even till this day they still stay in her secret place.
For those feeling and moments are hers alone  to keep,
And so many of them for her to burn.

She has been so broken,
That little girl inside of me.
She couldn't leap for joy no more,
Her worst burden was faking a smile.

The pages to her books, socked with tears.
And her passwords, changed every week.
She has been hiding this part of her from the rest of the world.
Avoiding her reflection,
But she couldn't do it for long.

Accidentally looking at that splintered ******* the mirror she had been avoiding all along,
she begun to speak;
"Okay, this has been going on for too long,
You are not broken,
You are not weak, you can go beyond the odds.
You are deserving,
How do you expect to keep helping others if you can't help yourself?
Wipe away your tears,
And put a smile on your face,
For you are surely the best,
The most amazing,
And the world needs you,
Be strong for them, and for yourself too.
You don't need a man to make you happy,
Neither to complete you.
You don't need comfort from nobody,
God is your comforter,
God is your love,
You are beautiful and wonderfully made.
God did not make you for this dismay.
He called you the light of the world,
It is time to arise, before your light goes up,
Stir up that gift before it is too late,
You are more than a conquerer,
So why do you cry?..."

She went on and on.
Though it at first felt so awkward,
She begun to feeling change;

The burdens on her shoulders melting.
The walls over her heart breaking.
She begun to see those tears drying,
Her voice a little more clear.
She begun to see that spark in her eyes.
She was breathing again.

And finally,
She saw her beautiful smile again.
And She knew that, that little powerless girl in her,
Had finally transformed to a woman.

Suicidal thoughts are poetic
The slitting of wrists
Ropes tied around your neck
The need to put that one foot forward
Into the pit that ends everything;
Hopes, dreams, wishes and nightmares combined

Suicidal thoughts are poetic
The feeling of drowning
A knife pierced to your heart
The want to simply put that one foot forward
To the center of the road that starts everything;
Sorrow, regret and sympathy combined

Suicidal thoughts are poetic
The endless hallucinations and insomnia
Thinking of what would happen if you died
The uncontrollable yearning to simply put that one foot forward;
To the darkness of closed eyes that makes everything;
Problems, unanswered questions and contentment combined

Suicidal thoughts are so poetic
That it comes to a point
That all of it
Suddenly and inconspicuously
Becomes true

I was taught
Even as a little girl
That giving is what we called "loving"
So I grew up
Loving and loving
And even though there was
Nothing left of me
For me  
Even though
All I could give
Was shattered pieces of me
A crumbling heart
A black and stormy soul
I gave
And still called it love
Never mind if it was toxic
Never mind if it was the brokenness
I was taught
Even as a little girl
That giving is what we called "loving"
So I grew up
Losing myself

Maybe I wasn't worth the wait
Maybe I wasn't worth the time and space
Maybe I wasn't worth anything at all
Because when I told you to stay with me
You simply said you couldn't
I smiled and for one last time
and maybe I wasn't going to see it again
the sincerity in your eyes
As you turned your back
and closed the door
with the same hands that
held
my broken heart.

Half Smoked Cigarette

She is my last half-smoked cigarette
that taste is still on my lips.

With each puff
she took few moments of my life.

Smoke of her memory
still covers my body and soul
like mist.

My existence is scattered
like the ash
dazed and doomed
It will never be the same again.
as it was once.