Frustrated from the upbringing,
Tortured from whatever's happening.
That unsatisfactory notion,
Doesn't quit my room.
If I could heal myself,
Just with one blink.
Excoriating and tormenting.
Reprehensible and dominating,
These emotions stands within me.
I am not depressed,
Its all just a vain attempt.
Nothing has ever been right,
Will it atleast be bright?
Not brighter than the sun,
But like a long lost star
That's just my hope,
It has begun ,
Let it be awake,
It has relinquished my desperation to flourish.
I am a long lost dreamer,
Just in attempt to be someone,
Someone I could ever dream of.
Just hoping to be someone,
I could ever be.

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?



The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.



I’ve disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.



I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.



I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.



If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

Took a walk in the rain.
Green trees and gray skies.
Spring and winter made love.

I am the fire shining bright in your hands
the water which quenched your thirst
the earth you adore
the air you breath.

You need me.

I am the fire setting you ablaze
the water in which you drown
the earth which crushes you
the air stinging on your wounds.

**You adored me.

There is a recurring guilt instilled in me. I know that it will not ever go away. It will quiet itself with "the past is gone now, nothing can be undone" "you did what you had to" or "don't cry, everyone is mostly okay now"

But then I'm crying myself to sleep with 7 shots as a bedtime story, and I'm listening to all the songs that make my heart hurt and my head numb with nostalgia.

And then I'm doing what I have to do throughout the day - I'm keeping it in and I'm holding on and I'm telling myself it's really gotten better since I last fell apart and I answer my questions with forgetting

Then I'm back in bed. And I'm so close to drifting away from it all but my face is cold and wet because it's winter again and I'm still sad

And then, oh God, I am back four summers ago and I'm wearing my favorite jeans and too many bracelets and I am RUNNING from you. I watch myself leave and I recall every word I put in the goodbye letter and then, I imagine how it destroyed you.. because I ******* promised I would stay

And Jesus Christ I wake up and I know what has happened since and I know that I hurt you when I didn't have to

The ******* guilt is eating me alive again.

Hope. What is hope?

Some may say hope can be defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Others may see it as excuse to keep doing something that makes no sense.

But, there are some that define hope as something else,
something far different for that of expectation

You see, hope is not a physical substance that can be obtained

It is earned

It is earned through work, hard work
It is earned through tears, many tears
It is earned though love, unending love

For me, I see hope as the light at the end of the tunnel
But I also see it as the preacher that pays me my last respects

Its the cool breeze that made us hold each other close that day on the pear
But its also the wind that blew the leaves from trees

But yet, still here you and I remain
Hoping for the future
Hoping that you and I will work

But my dear, maybe its time to give up on hope
Maybe its time to start going on something a little more prevalent

We shoot for the stars
why not dream like them eh?

Our heads are in the clouds already,
and Alpha Centauri is only but  4.37 light years away :)

Now ill ask you again, what is hope? You tell me

I should have realized earlier
what I pondered this day
because there is nothing better
than admitting what you want to say.

My love for him is not eternal
cause maybe even feeling dismal
though I'm not taking back what I said.

And as selfish as this may sound,
I want to keep his company
on any type of steep and ground
and be with him eternally.

It is too much to ask
for I know that fully well
and to be true and stark,
his life with me would be hell.

Although I see his patience
in the three year pursuit,
my trust in him bends
for only a little of it was true.

It is futile to deny
that I forgive not forget.

One reason is limited to one cry,
and my mind is usually always set.