If I could take every memory
The kisses that always went on way past "one more and then we have to go home,"
The laughs that hung to car windows in dense drops of dew
The frustration over you never letting me in your doors for more than a few minutes a night
The pain in the dark that cold Sunday
If I could take every memory
I'd place them in a shoebox
Sharpied "a beautiful disaster"
Each one wrapped in newspaper
And laid carefully inside
If I could take every memory
I'd walk the two miles to your house
Barefoot like you walked up that mountain
But that was September and this is January
And I'd place it on your doorstep
Because I don't want your memories
But I'd keep one in my pocket at all times
My favorite one. The one where we prayed together the first time.
And when I feel sick and nervous
And my heart is unraveling with every string being pulled
I'll reach in and burn my hand on that one last memory
And I'll remember that your love was fire
And it burned out way too fast
But still licked me nonetheless
If I could take every memory

The worst part is that writing is the only thing that makes me feel any better
The only thing that helps me cope with never-ending pain
But when you're the pain and all I can write about is you
Is it even possible to feel okay?

there is a noose hanging in my
throat
and when I try to tell you I love you
it tangles around the words and
I start to choke
so I keep my mouth shut

and this is not to say that I do not love you but
love doesn't feel like a blessing anymore,
it feels like guilt,
it feels like another promise that
I will not be able to keep, it feels like
an apology that my lips will never speak.

when I try to tell you I love you
I remind myself that
you don't want me to anymore,
remind myself that
this is not what you want to hear from me,
remind myself that
you will not say it back.

when I try to tell you I love you it is not because
I think you need to hear it,
it is because
I want to say it,
it is because
that word has been eating a hole in the pit of my stomach for
too long,
it is because when I
repeat a word too many times
it stops sounding like one
so I'm hoping that if I say it out loud it will
regain its meaning,
it is because I do not know if it's true and
I want you to tell me it is,
it is because I am
selfish
and this is entirely for my own
benefit and/or destruction

and I am sorry because
when I tell you I love you it will be
the last thing I say to you.

I'm going to throw up I'm going to faint I'm going to hit the floor and let the blood pound pound pound in my head like a ******* drum like the one that our good friend Chris plays.
And I'm going to cry and I'm going to scream and I'm going to tear out my skin and my eyes will burn red like a sunrise like the sunrise we watched that morning when I gave you everything.
I'm going to hit the wall with my fists and yell and yell until my throat is raw and "why did I fall so ******* deep oh my gosh HOW WAS I SO STUPID SO. *******. Stupid."
I can't even type because my hands are shaking and my head is pounding and my chest is heaving and I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.

I am destroyed
Fallen
Crushed
Ripped to shreds
I am a mess
Black streams down my cheeks
Hiccups
"Oh God please let this pain stop. Please."
I am done
The world as seen through ***** glasses
Silent
Resigned
I am sick
My stomach is wrung
My chest is split wide open
I can't speak a word
I am still in love with you
Crazily
Secretly
It's quite a ****** up thing to love someone who causes you so much pain