the train tracks are empty. I don't know how often one comes. I'd like to say that I've been holding myself together with twine and bits of soil and concrete. I'm barefoot and I've found an array of glass bottles littered over the edges of the track.
All I need is a little warmth which is odd considering it's in the middle of summer and the scorching rays are burning my skin. Everything else seems illegible compared to your eyes and nothing looks real anymore.
I want you to know that when a train comes barreling through these tracks, I will face it with as much faith as I can bear.
I once promised you that I would try and I am trying but I can't cough out the words lodged in my throat because, I think, I've kept them there for too long now. I did promise you that I would try but does it really matter all that much now?
I can hear the train coming - this looks like a nice spot to settle.
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to look past the lost tenderness that used to grace your eyes.
It's ridiculous really, because I haven't met you yet and there's still an ache in my chestfrom when you left.
I don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to use the memories of your lack of existence to help myself move from this spot.
I can see the lights approaching.
Please understand. Please understand that I had to do this. Please understand that I had to do this for the sake of my sanity and I can't imagine moving away from these train tracks just to wake up tomorrow to remember that I do not know what it feels like to have loved and be loved by the ghost of you.
Please, I beg of you, forgive me for my past transgressions and forgive me for not being able to quell the pain of never knowing you.
I can hear it now. I can hear the pistons and the rumble of the tracks.
I'll take my leave.
And maybe, if I'm lucky, you'll never realize I was here in the first place.

I wrote your name out with the leaves
but the wind blew it around
I carved your name in the bark of a tree
but the lightning struck it down
I drew your name in the sand
but the waves washed it away
So I carved your name into my skin
and forever will it stay.
Everywhere else forgot your name
the bark, the sand, the leaves
I needed you out of my head
but you're still stuck under my sleeve.
k.l.s.

I'll grab you from behind and thouroughly poetry slam you through all four corners of the room.
We'll kiss untill we lift dust and roll across the room. Barreling through we whisper three words that couldn't be said too soon: baby watch out! A broom falls and interrupts our resonating groove. Fixated on our sizzling mood. We dance and in one waltz move we interlock and intertwine. In one fell swoop, we continue to make love, we can't waste time. Days go by didn't even gaze at how the moon shines. Not even dazed by the sunlight this stage is our sunrise. Hand marks on the windows, sweaty palms on the walls, sticky sheets on the carpet..paint on the canvas, my face on that canvas?! Your waist on your canvas?! What did we paint on that canvas?! We got laid on that canvas?! Thats a mistake but I can't complain I ******* love the art that we make. I could do it all day..

Sitting on a cloud of poisonous blackened ash
enjoying my fake heaven provided by the best
Amsterdam has to offer.
Keeping up this relentless assault on my lungs
as if I'm trying to turn them into the tar pit
I currently reside in.
A ***** desperate attempt to claw my way
through what I'm coping with.
To put a metaphor into actual reality
by comparing reality and my actions
to an actual metaphor of my reality.
Painting my innards pitch black
because I perceive my outer world
like I'm looking through a veil of darkness.
False flag operations on myself
justified by the Demons residing
in the world that I'm carrying.
In this world that I'm traveling.
Carrying my world like Atlas
but I've lost my way..
wish I could live up to the name..
Google Maps myself back to sane.
It's hypocrit
Because I thrive of this poison
and once my mind is clouded in ash..
the pressure is temporarily relieved
like when a vulcano erupts..
But deep down it's always boiling
always smoldering
blistering cold merely touching my emotions
would leave burnmarks on my hazed out psyche..
So I don't dare touch them, it hurts..
So I don't dare to sleep, I'm scared because pondering hurts..
So I don't dare dream.. because sleeping hurts..
So I remain, blazed out of this world
Disconnected and severed from myself..
Rather face this green Hell than reality itself.

step 1: de·ni·al
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
i thought about sending you an email today.
i got through four drafts before i quit.
i haven't talked to you in three months. i haven't deleted your messages in three months. i haven't stopped thinking about you in three months. my heart is still synced with yours. it stopped beating 131,487 minutes ago. please leave a message after the beep.

step 2: an·ger
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
i'm glad you're gone. you were a house but you were never a home for me. i've moved three times since i left.
you shoved your fingers down my throat and left me retching in the snow, excuses tripping on their way out of your cherry bitten lips.
you made me your slaughterhouse, blood on my hands and heart.
i am made of too many things, a conglomeration the size of a galaxy, thirty people sewn into my skin. there is a hole in my chest the size of your fist. please leave a message after the beep.

step 3: bar·gain
verb
negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.
(maybe if i had loved you a little less you would have learned to love me back)

step 4: de·pres·sion
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
i spent more time thinking about you than i ever did about myself. i'm not sure if this is selfish or selfless and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i hung up on you once and you didn't speak to me for a week and i'm not sure if this is love or hatred and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i haven't spoken to you in seven months. please leave a message after the beep.

step 5: ac·cept·ance
noun
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.**
you told me that acceptance was the same as tolerance.
i don't think i believe you.
i haven't spoken to you in twelve months.
please leave a message after the beep.