it was like yesterday
letting my mother see me weak
for the first time
in so long
it was like yesterday
when i sat on her bed
trying to swallow emotion
that was crawling its way up my throat
gripping harder than reality
it was like yesterday
i begged her
i cried
and i begged her
it was like yesterday
"please"
"please i dont want to go"
"i cant face them"
"i cant face any of it"
it was like yesterday
i let my guard down
"i dont want to go to school dont make me go please"
it was like yesterday*
sobbing
a mess
she didnt touch me
no comfort
no ounce of sympathy on her face
"you go"

"please, no"

"you go"

she always made me face it
she always made me face it
i always had to face it


its been 4 years.
"please dont make me go"
maybe if i beg one more time it'll work today

my life
is at
a stand still
everything is
broken
into these tiny *******
little
pieces
that i cant put
back
to
gether
and i dont understand any of it
and i cant move to change it
its like a nightmare
its like quick sand
its like nothing
but all at once
and
i
feel
so
alone

i am not insignificant
i am worth it
i am not stupid
i am not blind
i am not ugly and unwanted
my efforts were not for nothing
my pain is justified
my feelings are real
i am not over-exaggerating
i am not taking it too far
i am not selfish
i am not attention seeking
i am not alone
i am not useless
i am not a bad person
i am just a little br
                                     oke
                                            n.

im in between. in between loving and hating you cause how can i hate you. but then again this vessel is out of sympathy. im in between. in between screaming and keeping dead silent, trying to decide which might hit harder. cause im in between. in between trying to hate you and push you out of my life, and keeping you close cause i dont want to lose you and the only thing worse than pushing you away is seeing you stop trying to pull me back. im in between, in between wanting to be a good person cause when all is dead and gone i have my soul left to be proud of. but then again this old soul has gotten me nowhere and given me no good. im in between wanting to be stupid and blissful and naive about life like you. but i'd rather have my eyes too wide open then sleep in ignorance at night. im in between loving and completely hating myself for changing because im weak and sometimes i think i deserve to be and i need to stop beating myself up about it but why, why couldnt i just stay the same and confident in my actions because it was the right thing to do. why am i so **** in between why cant i be on one side of the spectrum for once. the right side.  maybe then someone will notice that i am stuck in between my own realities and idealistic fantasies that are turning to dust and falling through my fingers a little more everyday.