It is a continuous cycle.
You meet someone.
You grow close.
Slowly with time you heal each others wounds
Sew up all the open gashes
Fix together the broken pieces
Only with time to open new ones
Smashing the fragile pieces to dust
Carving your own memories with knives
Onto each others scarred skin
And once again
Moving away as strangers
It is a cycle
The scarring
The healing
The scarring once again.

You are not begging for my forgiveness
You are searching for your own

What do you do
When you realise
Decades later
That the person you hate today
The one you despise to your core
Was the very same person you yourself were
Years and years ago

Does it give you the right?
To judge? To hate?
Or do you shut up
And gnaw yourself inside every second
Do you continue to curse each hardship
You face
Shed tears at your misfortune
Or do you take it all in silence
Believing it to be karmas cruel twist
Accepting it like a penitent man

How do you live with yourself
Now knowing exactly how it felt
The torture you laid on others
Realising only once you yourself experienced it
Do you wish to watch yourself burn
The rightful end for your deeds?
Or do move on
Lock it in a mental box
Push it away into the darkness
An evil forgotten
Attempting foolishly to erase your demonic self

For though others believe you to be angelic
An innocent victim of life
You alone know the truth
The sick disgusting truth of your existence
The price for which you pay each day

For the question was never how do you continue living
The true question is
How do you live with yourself?

Sitting beside her
Watching her slowly break to pieces
The only thing keeping her together
Were her thin calloused arms
Clasped tightly around her heaving chest
I couldn't bear it anymore

I love you...
I blurted out hastily
Before the significance of what I said could settle in
But I couldn't take them back
The words now stood between us
Floating in the silence of my confession
Her eyes widened and bloodshot
Arms wrapped tightly around herself
Hair left in a messy half tied bun

She sat just an arms distance away
And all I could was see beauty
In those runny kajal lined eyes
Coloured a warm shade of brown

I love you I specified once more
Her stumped silence more annoying now
But better, much better
Than one filled with her tears

I've loved everything about you I explain
More for my own sake than hers
For my mind could barely process such a confession

I love the way you dance to the corniest of songs
When you think no one can see you
I love how you spend an hour just figuring out makeup
Only to walk out with just lip balm gracing your face
I love how you try to dress ****
But would rather get married in a pair of boxers
I love how you're a ******* geek
But still can't resist an episode of Greys Anatomy

I love the contradiction you are
As changeable as the winds
But always steadfast when I need you
I love that awkward smile
I love that messy bun
I love those over sized t-shirts
I love that sarcastic mouth

You are not as weak as you believe
Your scars are what I love most
And how you show them off with pride to the world
Your imperfections make you perfect
And your...

Before I finished this sudden display of verbosity
She kissed me
Wrapping herself around me completely
For our imperfections we loved
And no person would make us erase our proud battle scars of life.

With the passage of time, things change
Nothing remains the same
People change.
We all do. It's a constant process
of evolution, of life

No one person stays
forever in your life
There are billions
of other souls out there
waiting, hoping, desperatedly
searching for a connection

I was lucky enough
to forge one with you
These bonds remain, Even
if those who forged them
move on.

I will never stop caring
or loving
No one person can extinguish
that part of me.

I thank you profusely,
For the stories,
The memories,
The love.

I leave you a better woman
in the making.
A constant work in progress
One filled with love
nonetheless.

Growing up I never had any pets
My adorable baby brother grew to be the centre of all attentions
My parents were way to busy working
Keeping us afloat
To pay attention to this skinny dreamy girl
I've been to crèches
Where the owners 18 year old son used to hit me
I've sat at the doorsteps of my house
Hours and hours
Hoping the cook would let me

Home lost its appeal
I saw it as a place to live
Not a place to love
Loneliness grew to be my closest companion
My dreams and troubles too complicated
For the simple minds of 8 year olds
12 years later
Things have changed
I've grown into a woman
One I could someday admire
But the 8 year old hasn't left
The one who craves love
Who sits by the doorstep of faith knocking
Begging for the strength to hold on

12 years later we got ourselves a tortoise
Marco the solitary explorer of our house
He was not mine to keep or love
A birthday gift just for my brother
But he grew on us all
Bringing out slowly the love we had long since locked away
In my recent months of hiding
He became my companion
Someone so tiny
Who could never speak
Yet listened so intently when I spoke
Whose curiosity and laziness rivalled my own
We had a understanding
A relationship
I was always careful with him
His tininess terrified me
I've hurt too many in the past
Not this time I vowed

But I ******* it all up
Early morning routines passed in a hurry
My selfishness got the better of me
As I hustled into another work day
And just as I lugged my work for the day into the next room
I felt something hit my foot
And a squeak that turned my blood to ice
There he was
Hidden inside his shell which lay upside down
Time slowed down to seconds
As I rushed to set him straight
Praying he was okay

And even though my mom says he's okay
I can't get rid of the guilt
That painful squeak runs clear in my mind every passing second
I don't deserve him
I could have killed him
I almost did
The problem is always with me

I'm the hurricane of insanity
Of fuckedupness redefined
I could have killed him
I almost did