I don't need drugs. My brain is drugs.

Maybe it's a side effect of a mother that dropped acid for the first trimester of pregnancy and then some.

Maybe it's a side effect of the abusive step father that told me I would never amount to anything and that I am *******.

My brain processes things at about a hundred miles per hour. In conversations I am always three steps ahead of what ever was said last. I make connections in things that are unconnected.

They tell me this is adult ADHD. They tell me I should be proscribed a pill to help my brain focus.

But focus isn't what I want. Nor is the drowsiness that comes with Lorazepam, the fog that goes with Prozac. I have been separately proscribed these things without ever filling the bottles.

But I fear that if I fix all my chemical imbalances, my medical maladies, that I will disappear into a fog.

Who am I without my OCD, without my brain over processing, over loving, over caring. Without the pain in my chest from another panic, my bouncing off the walls and singing to myself.

Maybe I am unwell.

But who am I without my unwellness?

Is it okay?
That i'm different?
Is it okay?
That I wear black?
My cloths have rips in them?
How about how I wear dark make up?
Well I truly try to be good enough for you for everyone but, me.
Im sorry for being different.
Im sorry but i’ll never be good enough.
I never have been good enough for anyone especially myself.

Why the hell do I feel alone? can you answer my questions? Im drowning in a deep black hole,how the **** is that even possible?Well in my world it is possible,cause its happening to me!You understand? What about how every year I put death on my birthday wish list?
What about how I have the pain of dying on my bucket list,
or how Id love to just cut my hole body up until I have to cut over the other cuts?
Do you understand how I feel like i'm choosing this path for myself but in reality the path chose me I just was so young so I followed it?
Do you still understand?
you can help?
Me?
YOU?
Haven't I explained enough?
NO,you can't help me!
Its impossible,
Medication just makes me feel like ****,
talking to you makes me just wanna punch you in the ******* face until you just shut  the hell up,
Ive been to hospitals they just stalk me thats it.
do you really think that helps?
you cant help me?
you'll try but you’ll miserably fail?
The monster in me will destroy you if you try to help me!
it will not only make you suffer it will **** me.
You say you can help me but, there is no way that is possible.
I'm shattered glass on the pavement no longer able to be fixed
iIm broken never to be fixed

I dont need help.
Maybe I do.
Do I?
How the hell would you know..unless you are in my head fighting the demons off..but you know that you’d  NEVER **** them..right??
Im talking to myself.
Is that crazy?
Insane?
******?
Does everyone talk to themselves the way I do?
I need help!
I’ve asked but,I ran away.
From help...thats how insane I am…
help?
Is there such thing?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Well maybe not for me.
Help is a definition of **** me slowly..
When you ask for help you get tortured,humiliated your demons in your head scream and laugh at how much of a ******* wimp you are for snitching on them!
You will never get help if you're  in my situation you’ll only suffer your heart will only keep breaking and your demons will grow bigger.

Im done.
with life,
the world,
people who are fake as can be,
Im done with me,
myself.and I.
Done with the tension to do something right for once in my life.
The only thing right to do is go ahead and **** myself.
Everyone will be happier.
They won't have to see my miserable face,or the unhappy looks,they won't have to say hey just to make me feel like someone actually recognizes me when no one really does.
Im done
with the pity looks i get from people who don't even know what pity is.
Thats okay there virgins to the world only knowing the good,only faces the good.no bad in their lives thats good,okay,great for them but,one day they’ll wake up see whats really out there.
Flesh being torn apart,screaming,crying,****** tears.
then they’ll want to die step in front of a train that's passing by.
Its okay they’ll learn and then want to die but,if you stay a ****** to the world with no pity,no cries,no screaming,no one dies.
my world is much different always will be you might not be a ****** to the world but compared to me you are and you're lucky.
Because i’m dead never have been alive..always dead,never gonna be alive.

I would like to die.
Wait…
let me rephrase that
I am dieing
slowly
painfully
in my own guilt
I’ve never really felt happiness
just sorrow and pain
and a pinch of guiltiness
I know how to swim but not as well as my demons do..
if you know what that means
you can only understand
truly if you’ve been through what i’ve been through.
I’m dying and i’m happy while  dying
I like to be in pain.
Is that insane?
yeah it is.
oh well does it look like I really care?
I hope not because I really dont give a ****.
I like dying
I know i don’t look happy but thats ok i’ll only be here for a little longer

sometimes i wish on a star that never shot through the sky.
sometimes i wish i’d die..
other times i love life.
i am crazy..
no one can help no one dares to get close to me.
it’s too dangerous they say
as if i’d bite them feed on their insides until
they whisper their goodbyes.
i cant even think straight half of the time filled with toxicated poison
i wouldn't hurt them i'm not like him.
he hurt me until my insides were flipped.
until i was making things up in my head that i thought were true.
id whisper things in people's ears that they didn't understand..
they’d look at me as if i were a piece of fresh meat.
i was.
until they beat me rotted me out.
now im dead.
cold as a stone that hasn't been touched in decades.
im hurt.
and alone.

i have a destination.
the destination is a mystery.
i dont know my destiny.
im scared.
what could be?
what could be my destiny?
i have a destination.
what could it be?
you sat there staring at me like i was crazy.
you whispered something in my ear but i was focused on my breathing.
he looked at me with those beautiful eyes.
he looked away.
i grabbed your hand and said look at me!
you looked at me
and whispered can i be your final destination i'll make you happy baby.
i whispered yes.
he looked at me with intense love.
he kissed me passionately.
i kissed him back.
i whispered in his ear and said baby.
you've always secretly been my destiny.
you've always been my destination..
baby i've always secretly loved you.

your body is a perfect painted canvas.
your lips are so tempting.
your body so perfect.
you are perfect.
my perfection.
you complete my heart.
you can have my fractured body..just make sure and be careful with it..
it's fragile.
needing love.