I don't have to earn
The happiness I feel
Because I exist
It is my right
To feel
Whatever I want
Yet I find myself
Measuring my days
Calculating my
Daily allowance
Of laughter
And booking in
The appropriate hours
To doubt myself

Some times
I think about how
The word
Alphabet
Means Alpha
And Beta
And how that
Implies a
....
Like the
Alphabet
Doesn't really
Ever end
So now the
Letter Z
Raises questions
In my brain
And I wonder
What comes
After it
That is why
I cannot
Sleep.

It's not as if
It was the end of the world
Or like I didnt pull through
And survive that moment
It's just that
My entire world changed
And the parts of me that I loved
Didn't make it out alive

You called me
Just to say
"I'm happy"
What you meant
To say was
"I'm happy
Without you"
So I said
"I'm happy too"
But what I meant
To say was
"I still love you."

Stumbling into a room
Innebriated, flushed
Sweat collects heavily
Over your brow
A shaky forefinger
Thrown into faces
Of strangers in the hall
And then back at me
Swears used as adjectives
You tell the tales
Of the disappointment
You can't help but feel
When you look at me
I find myself apologizing
For carrying your genes
For knowing you
For being born with your name
I find myself apologizing
And though I don't say it
I'm really apologizing
For not being as valuable
To you as whiskey.

He was more himself
Than anyone I'd ever met
He laughed with his eyes
Made me sandwiches
While his friends
Told me about the good times
And the bad times
He held me tightly
In front of everyone
He wanted me everywhere
I wanted him too
I wanted him too much.
I ignored his habits
The medicine to sleep
The drinking to speak
Never leaving the house
Except to pick up
More and more habits
I wanted him too much
He didn't want me enough.