Suicide.
Doesn't mean this person has mental illness.
Suicide.
Doesn't mean we Christians doesn't have suicidal thoughts too sometimes.
Suicide.
Doesn't mean this person is weak.
Suicide.
Doesn't mean they suffer from depression.
Suicide.
The devil tempted Jesus with suicide.
Suicide.
Understand it better please.
Suicide.
You are not alone.
Keep fighting!
We would fight with you this battle!

Hands held high.
Jumping up and down.
Bowing down with fear to deny.
Problems out of focus.
Love in focus.
God in focus.
Prayers lifted high.
Praises lifted high.
Scars filled with love and care.
Tears dried up.
Tears welled up.
Wonderful God.
Loving God.
Forgiving God.
My Father.
God.

Broken hearts.
Lost ones in the dark.
A cage for a mouth.
The voice inside refused to come out.
Locking of hands.
Tightening of chest.
Hoping to be alive.
Trying to survive.
My father.
Sorry for letting you down.
For putting the scroll down.
For missing the crown.
Forgive me.
I pray.
Your presence, I crave.

Yea of course,
I,
me,
a woman,
a black woman
a darker black woman to be exact..
have black privilege because thats a thing you know
Its like when I walk into the store and get followed ..  yea
or that time i came back to school with my “extensions” and was told my hair grows fast
or maybe its when a white person comes up to me asking if i listen to 21 savage because “black people listen to rap right?”
or my favorite is telling my brother to be safe
as he heads out the door worrying he may be shot for reaching for his wallet
maybe its when i worry about whether or not my brother or cousins or father will be the next Trayvon martin or Eric garner or philando castille even
my black privilege
has allowed me to be labeled as loud and ratchet and sometimes a ***
because that what dark skin black girls are
right ..
yea ….
thats black privilege
its getting told I'm pretty for a black girl
its being told I'm intimidating and mean and ugly natured
but no no i swear its not cause your black
I love black people I'm not racist
Slavery happened years ago
Black people are racist too
im not racist i just don't like black people  
yea … I've heard it all.
No !
im not just another “angry black girl”
Im just a black girl
Im not mad don't get me wrong
I just wanted to inform you on my black privilege
I wanted to inform you that it is NOT okay to touch my hair
that is NOT  okay to say to mock “black slang”
It is not okay to say “are you speaking english” when i talk
It is not okay to put my people through hundreds of years of slavery and oppression and systemic racism and TELL US TO GET OVER IT!
Im sorry excuse my tone of voice
but can you blame me for getting worked up when I have to worry about whether or not my people will come home at night
yea …
thats MY black privilege

I try to get to know you yet you shy away.
I try to be your friend and yet you hide it with a smile.
Imagine how many people you have missed relationships with.
I know you are afraid that you would be hurt again.
I am too.
You show me the face (-_-)when I say trust in the Lord.
Yet you post verses everyday.
You see me posting verses, you see me saying "trust in the Lord", or " Praise God"
Do you read it with your heart?
Or do you just scan through it because you claim I am "holy"
You claim I am "pure"
Freedom.
Do you want freedom or do you want to live in fear all the time.
Whether it be fear of betrayal, rejection, judgement.
Do you want to experience true joy that doesn't lean on circumstances around?
I can't even believe I am affected by what you say or do sometimes.
Like I am supposed to please people and not God.
Read with your heart.
Your whole heart.
Don't be scared of being too deep, too "emotional", too "personal".
It's just you and God.
Nothing else.

Is it as deep as the deepest point of the oceans?
Is it a wide as the sky could be?
Would it last longer than life?
Would it be longer than time?
Would it be stronger than anything in this world? In the whole Galaxy?
Would it be mine to keep?
Would it be theirs to keep?
Ours to keep?
Yes.
It will be.
Yes it is.
All of it and more.
This love.
Slowly digging me out of this shell, to reach my heart.
Penetrating through fear, doubt, and sin.
You brought this broken life in.
I would never forget the love you have shown me at the lowest point of my life.
Never.
Would.
I.
Ever.
Forget about your love.
And the life you have given me.
For the life you gave.
On that cross

Suddenly the words of the songs came to me.
Not like a piercing sword but like a soft hand slowly hugging onto me, tightly.
Holding to my heart.
You brought me down.
So that I could look up.
There is going to be darkness.
But more light is coming.
I just have to persevere.
Endure.
A Child Of God.
Oh how precious are those words to me now!
I am a Child of God.
I repeat.
Thinking....how?
But that is who you are.
Love.
You love me.
And I don't have to question that.
Surrounded by your loving hands even when I couldn't see it.
I want to believe it.
Please.
I don't want to fear anymore.
I have a desire, LORD.
To no longer be a slave to fear.
Because you are here
with me.