my mind is fuzzy, like a television put on standby. I'm awake in a dream, one that has no beginning or end. it's a long red thread of fate that loops into infinite tangles and knots. my eyes are burning because I can see the smoke but there are no flames. Thoughts break inside of my head like cracked eggs, the yoke split over clean counters. my head. they ravage me like hungry lions. they consume my every fibre. I am all but them. they have collected my thoughts and burned my hopes. they have caged me by their own personal ruins. I am but nothing without their precious gifts of life and breath. I cannot contain the fear of anger that is being withheld. my only refuge, the words I may write when I am in solitude.

the little black strings attached to my heart,
tug ever so slightly,
sometimes they tug gently other times they pull so tight
it feels as if my heart is going to rip into pieces.
so many times I've wanted to cut the strings free
and let my heart be unattached to anything,
but once a little black string has been cut it can never be tied back again.

Sometimes,
forgiving,  
is harder because they won't
admit,
they were wrong.

dear brother,
here's to all the;
the Lego houses we didn't build.
the blanket forts we didn't design.
the games we didn't play.
the days we would of fought.
the places we didn't go.
the things we didn't say.
the hugs we wouldn't  of let go.
the inside jokes we never made up.
the competitiveness that we would of had.
the doors we would of slammed.
the fun we will never have.

here is to my brother who was taken before he was born, because God knew he wasn't ready for this world.
(K)

I'm sorry for all the times I fell down and did not get back up,
I'm sorry for all the times I never made it as far as you wanted me too,
I'm sorry for not being the daughter you wanted me to be,
I'm sorry for not trying hard enough, or being smart enough,
I'm sorry for being your only child and your only disappointment.

smiling, always putting smiles on their faces
drowning out problems with your handheld speaker,
speaker, motivational, help seeker, help needer
personal density, soaking it all up, drenched in
intensity,
intensity of your gaze, powerful to move fears out
vehemently protesting.

his golden threaded voice sewed me in tight,
engulfing my lungs, I was left with no sight,
his forested eyes drove me for miles,
I was trapped under the leaves of his insane authority,
thoughtless I obliged to his obscure sincerity.

he was my golden angel, in a dark night time sky,
unaware of his tugging threads my heart pulls nearby,
his honey-sweet embrace leaving my thoughts - denials.