A word often synonymous with depression. Are those lonely, depressed? Or are those depressed, lonely? It's the classic which came first? the chicken or egg question. Am I depressed because I'm lonely? Or am I lonely because I'm depressed?

i wrote you a letter,
i guess you haven't read.

i wrote you another one,
because what should i do
if you're the only thing
in my head?

i think i have finally understood the concept of moving on for people like me, for people who have a heart like me and also for the ones who love the same way i do.

you see, when you end up loving someone the same way i love - you can never really get over them even when it's over.
when you've integrated someone into your life, making them a part of your life, it stays. they don't just leave your life like that, even when they're already gone.
when you've made someone one of your main sources of happiness and when they stop becoming so - sure, they're just one of your main sources of happiness but just like wifi, full signal is always better than half even though it still works, right?

moving on is never being able to completely look at someone and feel nothing even when you've shared a past together. it's about accepting the fact that you'll never ever have a chance with them ever again, no matter how much you want them. it's crying at night because you can't turn back time to fix things or to feel how much they once loved you. it's seeing them happy with someone new and softly whispering, "if you're happy, then i'm happy too." it's constantly torturing yourself with wishful thinking and hopelessly dreaming about another chance, for them to reconsider their choices of leaving you but feeling suffocated because you know, hope isn't even an option anymore - it's just pointless wishing. it's about understanding that you will never really understand why things didn't work out. it's about putting their well-being and happiness before yours because you know that if yours were prioritized, or even cared about, they wouldn't be as happy as they are today without you. it's about looking forward to go to bed because you can finally see them in your dreams but not being able to fall asleep because the thoughts of the past are flooding your mind like a tsunami.

i could go on for days, but i think you get it.
i think you understand that moving on does not mean you don't love them or care about them anymore, but it means you love and care about them enough to let them be because if leaving you is what makes them happy, so be it. even though it hurts.

so even if i have moved on from you,
(here i go again with the wishful thinking but)
if one day you decide to come back,
please know that i will always welcome you back with open arms and i will whisper, "i have been waiting for you."

My sadness lives inside me
Carving out a home
It cannot find another
At least I'm not alone
Follows me like a shadow
It's very own entity
We always rejoin each other
Like the tide returns to sea

We have always had that undeniable type of love
You know?
Whenever asked about one another, our cheeks would turn bright pink
And just as our lips curled upward to smile,
sweet words escaped from our mouth, no matter how tightly we tried to seal our smile
Who ever we ended up talking to
had to think our lover put all the stars in the sky
by the endless praise we gave one another
The kind of love that stained your sheets,
despite how clean they were
Our pictures have voices, next to our smiles you can hear us screaming "I love you...I love you with all I am"
Our voices became love,
we, in everything we do, have become love
The kind of love that made us encounter multiple strangers,
just so they could inform us of our obvious happiness and glee

I hope you never get new sheets
I hope you never bite me out from underneath your fingernails
I hope you never remove my stray hairs from your beard
after a long makeout sesh
I hope we are never apart long enough to where my scent fades out of your clothes