I can't remember what it feels like to breathe with my own lungs because I have spent too much time making sure all of the oxygen filled everyone else's.
I can't recall the last time I really walked with my own two feet- perhaps it was the first time I ever did so when I didn't even know what feet were. I have spent so many hours on these feet - walking and running and then walking again - on paths and journeys to beautiful destinations that weren't my own.
I don't know what it's like to see with my own two eyes. I have eyes that see, but not eyes that see for me. I have seen so clearly all of the beauty and all of the pain. I have seen love and I have seen hate - I have seen the problems and found solutions. And I have seen all of the questions and found every single answer, but not for me, never for me.
I have found all of the solutions and all of the answers for all of the lives that I am not living, so have I really found anything at all?
Can I still breathe?
Can I still walk?
Can I still see?
Wish me well on my journey to hell
I wish to fly away
To a far and distant place
One with no fences
And one with no gates
An area where all my troubles
Seem to be replaced
With skies filled with roses
And glimpses of your face
One where everything
Fits so perfectly into place
Two hands melt together
And one soul interlaced
A world where sunbeams dance
With such a subtle grace
Patiently around our spirits
Never to be displaced
One where all the etches made
that soon find themselves erased
Can just as easily find themselves
Reborn, remade, retraced
A setting where all the love
Is so effortlessly encased
In the vivid vibrations
Of this infinite embrace
One where all the wonderful
Resides in a safe and open space
Never to be lost
Or find itself misplaced
So I wish to fly away
To a far and distant place
One that was never far at all,
But always right here in this space
My mind is starting to erase the parts of you that made me dream- the parts that opened up my brain to the outside world. The familiar parts that never hesitated to make me feel safe at home at any destination.
Sitting across from you now is different. We are still able to spark up those friendly laughs and conversations. They are genuine too, only because they are all that are left to grab ahold of, so we grab them with both hands and we hold them as tight as we can.
Between our giggles there is occasional silence and that silence haunts the back of my brain. We both look at each other straight in the soul, almost as if we are both begging and pleading for something else to be said or another laugh to escape, so we don't feel so alone together. That silence scares people like us because we are unsure of what lives there.
The creatures that lurk in that silence are so foreign and so unknown, but yet they are there because we both have put them there. These monsters live in those occasional silences- they live in those moments when we exchange empty-eyed glances from across the table. Though they are brief, they are still there, and it is in those moments I begin to feel the most vulnerable. It is only in those moments where I feel like I have the most to lose.
In a world where it is so impossible to just be,
Can I trade places with you and you with me?
Could I live in your skin just to finally feel free?
To live a life under your warmth I would surely freeze.
Could I breathe with your lungs just to finally feel complete?
To breathe those breaths of atmosphere that never really belonged to me.
Could I look through your eyes just to finally spot the disease?
To observe through your eyes is the only true way to see.
Could I move your melodic mouth just to finally let my words leak?
To talk in your tongue was always the only right way to speak.
Could I borrow your bones just to finally walk with your feet?
To travel amidst your framework is the only way I may leave.
So in a world where it is so impossible to just be,
Trading places, it seems, may not be so sweet;
Because in this world where it is so impossible to just be,
You are just you and I am just me.
If I were a sink
Would I still feel so drained?
With your weary water
Rushing through me
Trying to wash away all my pain
The bird's travels are limited by the cage, but not destroyed by it-
Find your escape and fly freely my love.