There is a war
     waging inside me
    tearing me
to pieces.
Do I grovel for forgiveness
    fight for this
or run...
        like I've always done?

I don't know how it works
trying to be
a part of something
       bigger than
                    me.

I feel complete blindness and
     terrifying uncertainty.
                   Is it me?
    Am I ruining whatever this is?
Or are you to blame too?

Don't you see
      I've never done this before.
           Everything is new to me
       and I'm trying my best
but I fear I keep faltering...
                                     failing....
                                           falling.
I've only ever looked out for myself
    and yet
         here I am dancing
     on my tippy toes
trying to please you.
No ones ever wanted me
          around constantly
        so instinctively
I pull back.
I'm not sure I'll ever get this right
            especially
if you don't understand my
         doubt and
               hesitation.

Is this love
    or agony?

I didn't know it was possible
      to confuse the two.
Some days I feel
    oh so high and happy
that's when it's easy to be with you.
     But there are days like this where
          it appears
I've messed up
                     again.
Now there's
simply radio
    silence.

I'm struggling daily.
If it's all me
      if all these mistakes
          are only mine to make
     do I continue trying?
There's no promise
     I'll get better.
I worry in time
you'll get sick
            of my constant shortcomings.

But if I give up
    run like I've done
what's the cost?
I've lost
       you
for good this time.
      I'm at a c
                    r
                    o
                   ­ s
            roads
        
Is this love or
       agony?

Please just tell me.
Should I fight or flee?
Do you still want
        me?

I don't ask for much
a kiss now and then
To be spoken to
with reverence and kindness

My throat is somehow
not speaking its truth
these days
just a succumbing to every
whim but mine

and nothing to show for it
but this lousy t-shirt
that says "life is good"
It can't be that easy
where are the t-shirts
that proclaim the truth

*"Life is good as long as you
don't have a clue about anything.
Life is a conglomerate of
contradictions at which we all should
strive to embody the center of nonduality
for true inner peace."