It's safe to say I wasted more than time on him, wasted words on him, wasted breath and emotion and poetry on him but I realized recently that I stopped letting my world revolve around him, stopped thinking my feelings would live forever with him, I noticed I looked beautiful without him and that my eyes are astoundingly blue without his confirmation, that a shirt and my fat don't need an approval from him, I have felt confident about me because it's no longer about him. This is no epiphany, came with no warning but time and I can't help but feel accomplished. I am still me without him, want what I want regardless of him, tore down the walls of the home I'd imagined with him - on my own - and now I stand on foundation with which I will ***** sturdy structures to hold my slanted ceilings and paintings that make my heart race, fill the emptiness with books that remind me why I love, I have room for myself and this concept is new because I can spread and be free and see myself sewing on the couch and writing in my study and I am comfortable here but I can still do more with this space I've created, I can share it with others because that's what I want but I had forgotten to include myself, forgotten to consider my happiness. Among my paintings I want family photos and among my shelves I want books I've published and among my achievements I want a degree and a marriage certificate and I can have it all - without him. I can be selfless without ignoring my self and this is how I know I can love and be loved, because it's never been about what he meant to me or how I tried to prove it because I forgot to focus on how I felt about myself. And now I've remembered, and I feel whole.

We are driving into the setting sun and soon we'll be close enough to feel the heat, and for some reason I've sped towards it as though there were a prize awaiting like I was chasing rainbows. There have yet to be enough hands and lips and words not enough feeling to feel complete, the sun cannot set before I feel the warmth of something other than the beach days that I can collect like sand bleeding through my fingers. There is no breaking or stalling just breathing and moving and I want, no need, to feel his breath and memorize his movements and not just imagine but live the life I want. We are driving into the sunset! There is no more time to push things off until tomorrow, no time to wait until later to write to postpone watering my ideas and imaginations. No time for uncertainty. Everyday is passing like a flip book until there are no pages left and I don't want to be alone, I refuse to be alone, I believe in karma and the universe and I pray that my life will be worth the beautiful sunset at the end and until then I have to make it happen, we are driving into the setting sun and when it warms my skin I want the warmest part of me to be my heart, full of the good I have done and everything I accomplished.