this isn't what my life was suppose to be like

i did not want to grow up to be who I am today

   it's hard to think of being different, though

    my whole life i've been counting objects, dates, everything

     when I was little and had a stomach ache i'd count the tile on the ground

      when I was a little older i would count the days my brother was gone

       i would count the trees and posts on the drive up to the hospital

        i would count the minutes while waiting for my dad to pick us up

         there came a day when counting the days became too much

         my brother was gone, and was not coming back

          so I started counting steps, i counted calories

           i counted how many times I chewed something

            and i counted scars and red lines on my body

             i learned to count objects and things I could control

              like how many spaces before a paragraph starts

               because I knew that I could not count ON anyone

When I'm upset about something, I walk
I'll walk a mile or two until I find a swing set
There's a swing set in my backyard- but being that close to everything is not what I want
I want to be where I normally wouldn't be
Some place where people will not know me, and in Utah if you go a mile you're in a whole new area with hundreds of new faces
It didn't occur to me why I always wound up on a swing set, my initial intent was to only walk
Today I realized it
When you feel so weighed down by your worries and troubles, nothing feels better than that split second of weightlessness at the peak of each swing
In that moment nothing else matters
You can look up at the sky and know that you're not alone, nor are your burdens always as heavy as they were in the moments before

Over the years I have realized that I do not know how to love slowly
Or carefully
I fall for someone instantly
I'm just good at hiding it, at acting like I have a normal level of admiration for someone given the time we've known each other.
But that is not me.
I throw myself into situations, knowing that it could go up in flames.

But the threat of being burned does not out weigh the excitement of feeling the heat.

At the mention of your name I am thrown into such sadness.

Memories hit me like a brick wall and I am flattened.

Tv shows
Movies
Commercials
They all make fun of mental illnesses.

Anorexia is not a funny teenage boy that can be cured with Jesus shaped pancakes.

You pull me back just to push me out again.
You broke me for a fourth time.
I don't know how you put it back together every time, but you do.
I trust you again and again.

Why do I keep taking the same road when I know it's riddled with *** holes and dead ends?