There is a building with many floors
Why am I in the basement?
There is a building full of light and colour,
With patios, gardens, expansive views and galleries to see the stars
Why am I in the basement?
What is it I nurse down there in that place?
What is it I can’t bare to leave alone?
Is it my pain?
It is my pain.
My wounded child is down there, my wounded heart
With such fear of the world that he dare not leave
And I can’t bear to leave him
Lest he cries out in pain
So I stay down there
In that dark place
Where life is not.
We together him and I
We ruminate in bitter company together
As life happens elsewhere
Is he me?
Am I him?
Is it a betrayal if for some moments I step into the light of day?
What would happen if I take him with me?
This pained child.
How would the sun meet his skin?
Might it heal him to be exposed to fresh air and the fragrance of day?
If I go might he follow?
Do I enable his misery by remaining with him in my faithful company?
Perhaps
Do I benefit him by sacrificing my life to care for him in that place?
Let’s at least try something else
Explore another floor… he can come if he wishes….

I would be a great artist
If only i could sit still,
If only i could give myself permission to stop,
To pause long enough to create
Without this rush
Without this never ending, unceasing drive
To be finished already
To be on to the next thing...
This feeling
That im already too late
For action
For life
For love
For now....
Im too late for now!
****
Stuck on this merry go round
Which is neither merry
Nor travelling towards any destination
Except my inevitable death...
I consume my life with things not done
With what I should be doing but am not...
In the minutie of banall tasks
While the joy, light and colour of my life remains unpainted.
Just melancoly ideas
On a canvas strewn with trivialities....
Maybe this is my life?
The sum of these random scrawls which somehow spells the shadow of the word "trauma".
I sit in a pool of my own dissatisfaction
Waiting for... for what?
For better days?
For salvation?
To be rescued?
As i push away those who may help...
Such a strange thing
Existance
Life
Hope....

Oh sweet pleasure,
Where have you gone?
Now that days are dark
And the tasks of the world are above me.
I can't see you through the mist.
My heart, covered as it is, feels you not.
Like being adrift in a vast ocean
Or alone in a confined space
I wait
For a truth which i know is out there...
The truth of knowing
Beyond doubt
That things will change,
That life will change,
And all I need do is wait
And my salvation will come
Like a ship on the horizon
Or a light of rising dawn
Which will
burn away the vapor.
I will see you once again my heart,
For now though
I rest in my unawareness
In my turmoil
In union with my grief
and the pain of life

Ive arrived in my home and its empty and cold
I feel like I'm empty and cold
I want to hear voices and laughter and footsteps
instead its just silent...
all I hear is the wind whistling through the window that doesn't close properly
The sea outside looks Cold and I don't feel safe.
I don't feel like I can feel "Home" here.
I don't even know what home is?

Maybe home is safety
Maybe home is love
Can you feel those things in a place where you haven't felt safe and where you love vanished.
So I'm here in my house just trying to be and not feel sacred and not feel alone
And to try to get on with my life and do the things I know that I need to/should do to function on this planet.
But I just want to hide, I just want to close the windows and close the curtains, curl up and never be seen again.
That's the energy of darkness.

So what do I do?
I'm sat in front of my computer and ...
I guess ill write a list...
Try and do something.
Maybe I should just try and bring a little kindness to this space of mine.
To myself!
Try and bring a little warmth into this space because no one else is going to be warming it up.
I guess I could put the heating on?
Create a bit of outer warmth
while I try and bring a little inner warmth...
And see if the day gets any easier.
I made some tea...

I wonder if I ask my heart to give me some kind of answer, what it will say?
"Weather the storm"
What does that mean?
It just means, don't worry, keep going...
The storm won't last forever.
Just put on a rain jacket
Stand on the deck and let the wind blow into my face and let the rain fall down on my waterproof Mac.
Know that I can feel cold and wet but that tomorrow maybe the sun will be out and the storm can't last forever.
So just keep keep facing into the wind.
Eyes front, head up
Keep steering the ship into the waves.

Tired of his pirates life
He flew off to the stars
And found joy
In the arms of a supernova.

So we made love and flew up into the sky
Where the clouds caressed our shimmering bodies and the stars welcomed us home.
There we stayed, resting...
In silent ecstasy as the universe pulsated with the heartbeat of every soul
Not a sound was heard
As celestial bodies moved in silent ancient accord...

"It is time," We said... at long last
"To return to that place from long ago
Where all is not as it should be
Where confusion holds
And fear abides."

"We must return there,
To walk amongst those who would know the truth
And tell them of the beauty behind the veil."

I am the shell
The empty vessel
Thoughts echo in my mind
You will discover me
Sat still,
Apparently peaceful
Or at work.
But i am not that
Not there...
For somewhere within
I am lost
Hidden or imprisoned
Trapped
Isolated
Fearful
I will not,
Cannot
Emerge
My emotional bandwidth so contsrained
I semi-live
Exist
Function
Waiting until it is safe enough to emerge
Pop the hatch
And live again...