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Mary Alexander Aug 2015
Deep
A hard, painful knot in my chest
Fake
The world around me, everything I touch, crumbling to dust.
Long
Each day. Never ending pain, though I try my best.
Alone
No one is with me, not one soul I trust.
I cannot.
Cannot cope with the pain, darkness.
I reach.
Reach for my hope
Press it against my skull


Click.
"DAY 1”
waking up doesn’t feel normal
Im scared to leave my bed
i feel controlled with no power left
This awful atrabilious feeling i have
Just gonna go back to sleep

“DAY 2”
Made it out of bed today
nothing has changed
I have class soon
Im scared to go out side
doesn’t feel right
doesn’t feel normal
Shower to try to fix this feeling

Okay made it to class
sitting in the front row
i feel like everyone is staring at me
i feel they know I’m not okay
they are reading every move i make.
But i know they aren’t
and I’m just thinking to much

“DAY 3”
Waking up this morning
i feel anxious
i have this rushed feeling
feels like the world is waiting for me
gonna go shower

So out of the shower
my mind settled for a little bit
i was comfortable but numb
numb to everything
To scared to go out side today


“Day 4”
Can i even call this a separate day?
I haven’t been to bed yet
sitting on this porch
looking at nothing
lighting another cigarette
**** i need to stop this
another pack gone
time seems to be moving so slow
yet so fast tonight

Its 5am time to try going to bed

Its now 10am sleep isn’t happening
been laying here staring at the ceiling
hoping for something to change
to feel anything
I’m numb to everything
my phone keeps ringing
texts, calls.
Cant even bring myself to pick it up

**** this

“DAY 5”
Things seem to be getting better
i left the house today
felt terrified for most of it
didn’t feel comfortable where i was
laying in bed
i finally feel the war has stopped
my mind has finally caught up
taking deep breaths

5 days of horror has finally settled
Mary Alexander Aug 2015
Why are you still here?
Why haven't you left....
Please stay near.
My heart has been kept.

By the boy who comes and leaves  
Makes my heart skip three beats.
He keeps my mind safe and warm
While my heart turns hard as stone.
Why does time repeat itself
Mary Alexander Jun 2015
Should I?
Should I speak?
Or shouldn't I?
Maybe I'm just too weak.

Because when I see you,  
I cannot speak.
I cannot.
Cannot allow feelings to start to leak.

Because what will you say?
At my heartfelt speech.  
Will you reach out?
Till our hands meet?

Or will you pause.
As the rhythm of our friendship
After all this time
Sounds it's last beat.
Just...yeah.
Mary Alexander May 2015
Your undying love is so mushy and heartfelt.
So please spare us all
And keep it to yourself.
Felt like that needed to be said.
Mary Alexander May 2015
Used to be..
Used to be..
I guess that's all you are to me.
For I've been clinging
Hoping
Wishing
That someday you'll come back to me.

But I am longing for someone who no longer exists.
Pretty much. Comments appreciated.
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