It was a few days ago
The last time you touched my hair
I ignored it and told myself
"Doesn't really matter"

My grades were failing
I was not able to cope up
Prom was nearing
And no boy nor friends came up

Those were dark days Gran
I can barely recognize who I am
You told me that everything will get better
You told me I'm stronger than Mom

I can still remember
The last sweater you knitted
The last movie we watched
The last food you heated

You were there for me
When my friends left
When Luke and I broke up
The night I cried, you sang and I slept

Those were the good in the bad Gran
But now, you have to go
And I was not there for you
I was busy with myself, I did not know

I came home with the usual routine
Called you while the house is still dark
No answer
I placed my shoes under the rack

I saw you
On the floor
Sleeping
For what seems like forever

I think that was the first time
I got worried about you
It is also the last time
I would ever be able to

You stayed in the hospital for weeks
I went to school because I need to pass
Focusing was a hard task
I should be by your side, I must

The skies were gray above the sea of black
Everyone was crying
Saying "she was the nicest"
"You were lucky to have her when she was still breathing"

I took you for granted
I never appreciated the small things you did
I was always looking for something far away
When all this time, you were all that I needed

In this house, I'm haunted by memories of you
Cooking, cleaning, knitting, watching
The feeling never abandoned me
Constantly there, reminding

That I should treat everything like it would be the last

Cherish moments while we're alive

Because once we stop breathing, we will become a memory

And we can never bring it back

I miss you Gran

×

I had a dream
That life was joyful and free

One minute has passed
And I’m still in glee

No one should fear life
No one should fear death

There’s no time for this or that
Please just take a deep breath

Life will never be perfect
Nor will it be fair

But for all the perfect times
It all makes you aware

That life is precious

I’ve grown and I’ve learned
That high school isn’t a place for adults
Adults who’ve formed the ideology that if you’re harmed
It’s all your fault because you should’ve been armed

Adults who think the only way to defeat your demons
Is to drown them
Yeah, what a treatment

Because when you’re being called names
****, *****, ugly
And all those words dig deep into your veins
They don’t understand that all those words
Mocking you, hurting you, challenging you  
Are simply chains that wrap around your body refusing to let go

If nobody will say it then I will

We’re all cowards!
We preach safety, love and kindness
When all we do is go backwards and downwards
Into the graves we dig ourselves!
The truth is we all need guidance.

We judge **** victims down to the core
Because she must’ve wanted it, right?
Because while she was screaming for air
In the very hour she was suffering
We all cheered and refused to hear

Because we weren’t there.
Because we weren’t her!

While he was screaming help
That he’d taken one too many pills
And was on the verge of dying
What did we say?
Take more!
Because we thought he was only whining.
We thought he was only playing.

I’ve experienced pain
Don’t you dare tell me to get over it.
Please don’t add another chain.

I’m tired of this thing called bullying
That if it happens to you, just say no
Whoa. What a great idea.
Because while I’m being kicked and beaten
My hero is the word no

But wouldn’t that give my demon a reason
To keep the pain going
Because while I’m bleeding
You tell me they’re only teasing.

But It’s okay because I can take it
At least that’s what I’ve been told

It’s okay because I asked for it
At least that’s what I’ve been sold  

We’ve been told that when boys are mean to you
They like you.
We’ve been judged for our femininity
In the sakes of boys who can’t grasp the idea that our bodies
Are not an invitation for their disgusting masculinity

Constantly we’re told by adults that boys will be boys
And there’s nothing we can do about it
Because all we are to them are toys.
And if we make a noise
We’re being prudes
Because boys will be boys.

I’ve grown and I've learned that high school isn’t a place for adults
Because their solution is to ignore until there’s nothing more to ignore
And they continue to pass down this ideology
That your pain should be hidden
Because nobody cares  about the victim

We live in a world where we’d rather call out people’s faults than our own
Because it’s a lot easier than realizing that we’re all broken down and weak
Because no matter how loud we moan at the words thrown at us
No matter how big the rivers are becoming on our cheeks
“Deal with it,” they say
Because someone else has it worst
But maybe their best is my worst and my worst is their best

Maybe that boy you watched getting bullied wanted to stand up and say
Stop and no and all the other words you’ve drilled into him for centuries
Or maybe he’s scared that they’re right about him being gay
About him being himself.
But hey, it’s okay.
Because we’ve been told that we’re not human
Unless we’re straight, White or meet the standards of beauty

I won’t apologize if my words make you mad
Because if you’re angry at the truth
Then I’m doing my duty.
And nothing makes me more glad.

I’ve grown and I’ve learned that adults
Don’t know how bad it gets
Until there’s nothing more to get

That you’re supposed to fake it
Until there’s nothing more to fake

I’ve grown and I’ve learned that the only thing worse than death
Is life itself
That nobody cares until your last breath

And no matter how much pain I feel
I should smile through it
Because I’ve been told to deal with it

Because unless I’ve been hit by a train
My pain should remain only in my brain