I am a hoarder
You may not see it at first sight.
My clothes, pressed and wrinkle-free
My shoes, freshly polished
Not a single hair misplaced
but I am a hoarder
My room, though, is spotless
Not a book out of place
Every little thing in its own little case
but I am a hoarder
No, I do not collect used up shoes and stack them in a pile
nor do I have a hard time throwing out broken down furniture
Nothing around me sitting for more than awhile
No, I am a special kind of hoarder
The lack of mess you see on the outside
has been compensated by the mess I sleep in every night
I collect dust-filled memories and broken down dreams
some, too broken to be recognised
I stack expectation upon shattered expectation in a pile too high for me to move without it falling
I have tried countless of times to move out the pieces of what used to be plans and pictures of the future,
The storybook fairytale love stories have lost its luster,
now they sit next to overused ideas I still try to play once in a while,
but it seems to get stuck on repeat all the time,
and I try to explain that hoarding isn't just on the outside, but something worse when it's within
The inability to let go of the past, so I keep them hidden
and no one would notice, not one bit what I am
I am a hoarder
of the worst kind
I do not hoard things,
but something far much more unkind
Pages upon pages of sleepless nights
trying to make my burnt up mind and second-hand run down heart to work alright,
Cause I know I've tossed too many out on the bed
to even try to count how many are still left unread,
I am a hoarder
compulsive, emotional, restless.
and much more than I'm willing to confess.

Just in case no one has told you
that you have eyes that could spark a wildfire
a laugh that could light up the sky
a smile that could stop the chaos for a while
then here it is

Just in case no one has told you
That your scars are not what defines you
that the Creator has made you beautiful
that it is not your fault they can't see it
then here it is

Just in case you didn't know
that when He birthed you into this world, He was not confined by the chemistry we know,
that from ashes, He created gold, and diamond, and titanium, and has intertwined it in your bloodstream to make you beautiful, and strong, and flexible,
then here it is

Just in case I never get to tell you these before my breath leaves my body and chooses not to return,
You are more than the misogyny and bigotry they try to contain you in,
Worth more than the lavishness they want you to think would define your value
You are beyond worth dying for,
you are worth living for
you are worthy of staying here, regardless of how many times they try to tell you to leave
you are worthy of good things in life
you are worthy of withstanding the bad places your mind puts you in
you are stronger than you think

So, Just in case no one has ever told you
how much to love yourself
just know that when I created this poem, I was thinking of you.
The girl in the corner
The wallflower
The unknown
The depressed
The beaten
The played
The strong
The brave
The fallen
The beautiful
The intelligent
The woman

If I could have a superpower,
it would be flying.
I would graze along the skylines, dip my toes in the clouds, and brush my cheeks with stardust.
No. wait.
I think I'd rather have super-strength.
I would help people carry heavy boxes,
or lift my bed to help my mom clean the floor underneath,
or at least be able to carry this heap pile of burden stacked upon my shoulders from every lover that chose to leave them there.
No. Wait. Too bulky.
Maybe I'd get super-speed.
Fast enough to win the Olympics,
or, run to the ends of the Earth in less than a day
or at least run fast enough to see him one last time.
Too sweaty?
How about the ability of mind-control?
Be able to move things without lifting a finger
I mean, I overthink every scenario before I go to bed,
Why not make it useful?
Funny thing is, I could only hope and wish for these things.
But I do have a super power,
and I thought that it was
Making you happy
Well, at least I thought I did.
Or maybe,
It wasn't meant for you.

One,
When I said I loved you, I meant it
Two,
When I said I was in love with you, I was too naive to know what that meant
I thought falling in love meant the constant feeling of being wanted
but I forgot that was just the other half
Three,
I'm sorry for the times I didn't make you feel wanted
I'm sorry for pushing you away when what I really wanted was to be with you
I thought being stereotypical was being normal, but we were never intended to be normal, we were meant to be extraordinary
Four,
Yes, I still think about you every night.
As much as I want to say that I think about us, there isn't an "us" to think about,
And it's better to accept reality now than relive what's not here
Five,
I didn't want to give your things back but,
Six,
If I hold onto them I might fool myself that I still have a piece of you with me
Seven,
I knew that our last kiss was going to be our last
When your gut feeling stops being just a gut feeling
And makes it way up to your brain, you'll stop guessing
You'll start to wait
Wait for the inevitable
Wait until hoping becomes futile and coming into terms with something that hasn't happened yet becomes second nature
Eight,
You tell me I'm pessimistic
That I add too much drama in my life.
But how can I not when I've seen this in my head play over and over again and now,
Nine,
I see it in my computer screen
The eyes that lit up when it sees me
Except now they've learned to react to someone else
Ten,
I'm ok with that
Eleven,
I'm not ok with this though
This, the unanswered questions you have that I couldn't answer at the time because I didn't know it yet
This, the immeasurable counts of "almost" I didn't want to leave at almost
Like how I almost wanted you again
or
how you almost fought for me
or
the almost apologies
or
the almost plans that'll remain just as plans
Twelve,
Yes I still love you
Thirteen
I can't be the only one willing to make this work,
which is why I said "no"
Fourteen,
Extremely caring for a person isn't enough
I was waiting for you to be vulnerable to me again
I was waiting for you to tell me, tell them, that you wanted to be with me
I was waiting for the consistency in you making me feel secured again because waking up at 2am, pillows drenched cause all I could see even in my dreams are the text messages of you trying to look for me in someone else, is like being forced to run when you can't feel yourself breathing anymore
Fifteen,
Singing "We Are Never Getting Back Together" after you played "Lucky" was my sad attempt to make you believe that I was done trying.
Maybe we were meant to fall in love once, get up, brush of the shards of our relationship, and move on.
I may have stood first and walked a couple of steps,
but you sprinted
Not long after, I see you turning you head from a distance,
but instead of stopping to wait for me, you just smiled and went on
Sixteen,
I'm happy you found someone along the way
I am no longer in your periphery but that's ok
It has to be ok and maybe one day,
it will.

Dear sweetheart,
He's not coming.
And I know you've picked out that dress 6 years ago,
and yes you look beautiful,
but trust me when I tell you that you're meant to wear a different one.
And I know you've given him all you could, but believe me, you'll learn you have so much more to you when you let go.
This church your standing on was made for a different reason,
and most of the people here weren't meant to sit on those chairs.  
And the people meant to be here today, you have not met yet
And sweetheart, contrary to your feelings, he does not deserve your tears.
You will see things you have never imagined that he wouldn't care about.
Your days will be filled of other people, while his will be filled of something else
Your heart will be filled with burden, but this is not one of them.
And The Lord will give you the same power he did to Jesus for the sick,
But my dear, you have to free your hands from clinging on to his
And yes, there will be days you wonder how you could bring a dead heart back to life, yet can't do the same to yourself
And you'll be surprised how steady and strong your pulse will be, but feel absolutely empty
I know you've been anticipating this day your whole life,
But there are days made for you grander than this.
You were created for something much greater than you credit yourself for.
And I know you love him
And we still do
But he's not coming  
And sooner or later you'll discover
You're glad he didn't.

On empty nights, I watch the flickering lights of the empty streets
At 2 in the morning, A time made for a selected few. The time where either minds or bodies wander into strange places or strangers or both.
Like a reoccuring dream, only one scene plays despite the endless succession of "ifs" and "buts" laying across my tongue like crippling bodies finding its way out, but acquiring Stockholm syndrome before it does.
How can something end 7 times over?
How can you not see the end coming?
One after the other, the questions barrage in and I can make up all the reasons and excuses, but never really answering the question in the process.
They say that perfect love casts out all fears,
But did I love you too much that I lost the fear to lose the inner parts of me, or at the very least, my intuition to know when it's not gonna get any better?
That we're not gonna get any better than this?
That we've ran out of fuel to go around in circles?
And by the 6th time we tried to jumpstart the engines, have my hands calloused thick enough to not feel the cuts from broken down wires and shattered glass sprinkled around everything you hand to me,
like how you sugar coat the way you tell me you don't love me the same anymore?
And when does the pain end?
Or does it really ever end?
Or do you just get used to it that it becomes a part of you?
According to medicine, feeling pain is a way for your body to tell you that something's not right.
The last time i saw you walking out on me, i felt a slight, gnawing pain in between my chest.
When you closed the door, the pain disappeared.
So i guess what i wanted to ask you was,
Am I still your 2am thoughts,
Or have you learned to sleep by 1?