He knew
he could melt me
with a touch
Dipped his fingers
into my darkness
Burnt his hand
with the pieces still on fire
With a tarred finger
in his mouth
He declared me
sweet

I built myself a home in places
That people called temporary living space
Taped pictures in the walls
While they kept clothes in suitcases

I nestled my heart right in its corners
Nevermind the boxes left unpacked
Stayed there even as the lights turned off
Hopelessly waiting for someone to comeback

I hate that it takes
so little to break me
That I have to struggle daily
to rebuild every small piece
Becoming more fragile
with each attempt
Knowing that every effort
will not make me unbroken

I am certain
that we will find each other
in our next lifetime
and the ones after that
But **** the Gods still
for not giving us this one

I was promised
too many things
all at once
That when they broke it
one by one
I didn't notice
until it was all gone

I was raised learning
that an incredible love
amounted to an equally
incredible guilt
towards the choices
that are made in our names
the opportunities missed
and the dreams abandoned

I was taught to apologize
to that love
long before I understood
what I was apologizing for
never once asking
where the limits of my
incredible guilt stood
when to stop nor if I could

You should have just taught me how to smoke
Instead of things like how to drive and cook my favorite food
That way I could’ve simply tried to give up a bad habit
The same way you gave me up

Time flows
And all wounds
are supposed to heal
But I am still here
I am still her.

Practice religion in any way you need to
Be it through prayer, philosophy or poetry
Any gracious God will accept your soul
No matter how you choose to offer it

Exactly how many times must a soul break
Before a masterpiece is written?
How many pieces more do I need to shatter
To create a poem that will outlive me

In it’s own way, self love can be the hardest kind
When you are against your own stubborn
Your own cynic
Learning to fight for that love
Means learning to do more than just survive
To understand that being selfish can be a kindness
And that being fragile also means to be treated gently
And not just easily broken or damaged

Bury me in the warmth of your embrace
Drown me in the scent of something like home
Carry my fears into whispers of forever
Hold me til I question if I was ever broken at all

You are the soft sigh of the waves
receeding from the shore
The warm breeze on a slow day
The pink sky before the sun bids goodnight
The first flower that  blooms on May

I never knew I was drowning
I thought that's just how everybody lived
With water filling their chests,
With hearts pushing with every beat
No light in the bottom of the ocean

Then I started swimming towards the light
Not knowing what lied beyond the surface
The first time air touched my lips
and caught in my throat
it felt like a violent whiplash

It felt like I was dying
The water spilling out of me
My heart beating so fast, lungs filled with air. It was painful to breathe
It was painful to live

He reached into the sandbox
And found all the favorite toys
I thought I lost long ago
Picked up a red bucket
And told me we could rebuild the sandcastle
That some kid stomped all over
He asked if I wanted to be the princess
And I told him 'I want to be the Red Ranger'
I expected him to say something stupid,
Like 'Girls can't be the Red Ranger'
But instead he replied, 'Cool, I'll be Yellow'

I made a room out of sadness
filled it with picture frames
of arguments I refused to let go
A tear stained sofa
that was meant to welcome guests
Is now where my past
has overstayed its welcome

Hanging on the walls
is a picture I drew
of a memory called happy
And on the coffee table
sits an old phonebook
of people who promised
to stay in touch

This was only supposed to be
a guestroom where I allowed
my chaos to visit from time to time
But somehow the boxes of anxiety
have piled up
and the monsters
have found their way
under this bed too

I was desperate for peace
I allowed the chaos
To drown me into silence

I sold my soul to poetry
And never looked back
But now every relationship
Is a writing prompt
Every trauma, a metaphor

Anxiety means
I stood there
outside your
door for an hour
Coaxing
whatever brave
I had left
to come out.
It didn't
and I turned back
towards home

I place my hands above yours
Careful not to crush you
With the weight of my being
I let you make the choice
To intertwine our stories
So that if you pull apart
I will have nothing to let go of

I hope you think of us on Malibu nights
A couple of sad drunk girls
under pink fairy lights
The sound of our laughter
drowning away
the tears that we've shed
I hope you felt all the love we've left unsaid

Perhaps I am attracted to melancholy
and to every lost soul
Like a distant call I refuse to ignore
I jump into every ocean
not knowing how to swim
No ounce of hesitation at all
But through every answer
Every outstretched hand
I hope to become the person
I once needed the most
I hope to be someone's salvation
I hope to save my own ghost

I want to take back the days I was sad
I want to show you that I can be better
Kinder, more lovable, braver
I want to take back the days I wasted
crying on my bed stuck in my head
When I could have,
should have been better instead
But I can't take back the days I was sad
No I can only be better

I am sorry
that my hugs
can be suffocating.
It's not always
because I'm scared
to let you go.
Sometimes,
I am just trying
to hold myself
together.

There was nothing between us.
No sweet words uttered in secret
No promises made under the moonlight
No longing looks stolen from time
No names patiently carved with a knife
But his lips stayed longer than they should
And his hands lingered for a while
His eyes spoke a language we never learned
Like something deep down had overturned

Why must I look into your eyes
And ask where I stand
In front of you
where you can't see me
Beside you
where I am forgotten
Or behind her
as a shadow you can neglect

I wish I can look back
And say I had no regrets
That I learned all my lessons
And in front of you is a new person
But I keep making the same mistakes
And somehow I have more questions
Like how is it that I still feel broken
Even after my supposed salvation

I beg her to stop hurting me
As she digs the knife deeper
Telling me she loves me
Telling me she knows better

I beg her, 'Mama please'
But she's not listening anymore
In her eyes, I am only child
Still a child and nothing more

and I am the shore it faithfully returns to.

I forget that I am not always warm sand and sunshine for the few seconds
before the water hits
and washes my sandcastles away

Sometimes the waves break first
and slowly bubbles its way towards me

Gentle enough to make me wonder if maybe
the cold is meant to comfort me instead

Gentle enough to make me forget of
the tsunamis that left me stranded and bare

But the sunset is beautiful
And no other shade of blue is more romantic
So I sit by the shore and let the waves push and pull at me
Make me forget, make me question memory

A hand writing silly notes to leave with the food meant to keep you alive during work

A shoulder staying still so you won't wake up from your nap on a 2 hour drive

Arms that tighten around you, figjting to hold you together

A back against your door shaking in tears, refusing to leave you behind

Eyes straining to keep awake so you won't be alone on one of your darkest nights

A soul spilling unto paper to write a poem of how much you are loved in this life

She tells me

I should be grateful,

that I survived.

But why does survival

FEEL

like I'm hooked up

to a machine

forcing air

into my lungs;

keeping me alive

when I've long been

DEAD

Mermaid pick a voice
that's more than nice
Find someone who'll listen
throughtout the night
Maybe he'll drown
your sorrows instead
By the end of this story
Maybe you won't be dead

I wish kindness finds you
And proves sincerity exists
That happiness can be found
And that love
can still make the world go round

I do not
write happy
Language
too foreign
for me
Sadness
I do more
eloquently

I got high
on his secondhand smoke
Jealous of the cigarette
between his lips
Like a bull raging
towards all his red flags
In death, I wondered
how his lips would taste

I get headaches
instead of heartaches
My brain pushing down emotions.
So I used to take pain relievers whenever I feel hurt
I sometimes still do
So sometimes I get confused
if I'm hurting
or just having a migraine

There were words meant to be said
And actions needed to be taken
But we both choose to be safe
Than risk being forsaken

I learned to hold myself back
the same day I learned
there can be too much of me
Too much anger
Too much honesty
Too many emotions

I learned that I lose people
When I care too much
So I cut out some pieces
Hoping to be someone's enough
Gave out some pieces too
Trying to make someone just right

Wherever life takes you,
Do not forget that you are
the space to my ocean
If your darkness becomes too much
Look down on me
and I will reflect back your stars

She'll be okay once she cries it out
Like pushing your fingers down your throat
She just needs to let it all out then she'll feel better

She'll be okay, she's a really good liar
Her parents can't even tell
Sometimes even she doesn't know the truth herself

She'll be okay when they leave
She doesn't even like staying herself
She'll probably leave first before everyone else

Don't worry, she'll be okay on her own
You know she's very strong
She's been doing this on her own for very long

Soft limbs and fragile hearts
As we glided in each others arms
Timid steps, a secret art
Shaky hands that hold me warm

One step forward, two steps back
A few stumbles in between
A prayer they won't change the track
As our shadows slowly close in

I was the ocean
And she was space
Two restless souls
Trying to find their place

One created blackholes
In between her stars
The other drowned sailors
Who ventured too far

Two divergent spirits
But for fate or some reason
For a few fleeting moments
They meet in the horizon

We expect
the same sincerity
we’re not
willing to give
Waiting for
someone else
to hand us
the courage to live

I broke off my heart
trying to give you back
the pieces that you've lost

Weak boy in disguise
Let me tell you why you’re not nice
See my body, from head to toe
Is my property and no means no
Whatever I put on my face
Does not entitle you to get on my case
And whatever outfit I decide to wear
Is not an invitation for you to stare
So do not assume, give no advice
I owe you nothing just because you’re “nice”
There is no playing hard to get
No only “jerks” can get me wet
I make my own decisions
I have my own mind
So ******* with the criticisms
If you would be so kind