the church pew thrasher
I'm stuck somewhere between what they say and what they do
communion cups and inner church affairs
painted faces and sanctified stairs
and though I once was blind I now can never unsee
this place has been a heaven for the rivers of hell that abides in in me
and I crossed all of my fingers
knocked my white knuckles on those pews of holy wood
but I found all was lost that kept me young, kind, and good
I learned quick that things never turn out just like they should
and still I cling to hands raised and a few honest bars
the musing of the man on the microphone and my quiet life on mars
If there were any walls they met my fists
if there were any rough edges they all met my wrists
drunk on the blood of my saviors fallen from grace
unable to understand but still a need to see the savior's face
there is no other explanation
there is no other reason

and you,
you couldn't practice what you preach
you,
you couldn't seek what you couldn't reach
you told me to wait while you went on a head
you didn't die to yourself because you were already dead
I should have known
I should have known I should have known
but still I press on in spite of the hell I was shown
still I reach out for the hem of the throne
still
still.

and I'll never understand how much death I lived through
in a place that boasted life for the pure, holy and true
milk and honey met blood and abomination
innocent eyes and tiny hands lead to the greatest devastation
the betrayal of trust
the bread and the cup tarnished with rust
I'll never understand
but still I reach for the Hand

If there were any walls they met my fists
if there were any rough edges they all met my wrists
drunk on the blood of my saviors fallen from grace
unable to understand but still a want to see the savior's face
there is no other explanation
there is no other reason

and you,
you couldn't practice what you preach
you,
you couldn't seek what you couldn't reach
you told me to wait while you went on a head
you didn't die to yourself because you were already dead
I should have known
I should have known I should have known
but still I press on in spite of the hell I was shown
still I reach out for the hem of the throne
still
still.

So I sing to the kid in me that never grew up
the once who's still tripping under the weight of that cup
be still
be still
be still
it was never his will
be still
be still
be still
it isn't your fault, it isn't your crime
don't let it consume you
don't let it poison your mind
just
be still

and you,
you couldn't practice what you preach
you,
you couldn't seek what you couldn't reach
you told me to wait while you went on a head
you didn't die to yourself because you were already dead
I should have known
I should have known I should have known
but still I press on in spite of the hell I was shown
still I reach out for the hem of the throne
still
still.

And everything inside me is connected
From the isolation to the need to be in constant contact with everyone I've ever loved or seen
And I don't know what all this change means
All I know is that something in me is different than it ever was before and the rate at which the change comes is staggering and I am drowning trying to understand these new tides within me
From that still small place i learned to find peace in on those endless drives home
To that raging waring firestorm brewing in the base of my ribs threatening to consume everything and everyone I once called good but have since fallen from my hopeful hands

And I can't be by myself
But I can't be with my old friends either
I can't see inside myself
But neither can anyone else

And all I am gets wrapped up into some great swirling question that hovers over me as I sleep
calling forth the dreams I pushed so far down inside of myself that I mistook them for muscle mass or grey matter
And they rise up one by one and take my tired form between their teeth and remind me of why I buried them in the first place
Every failure or failing of my systems systematic switch screen horror stories of the terrible creature I once was
And I don't make much sense anymore
But I don't know if I even want to try to understand
Disconnect of fact or fiction I am a swirling contradiction stuck in static addictions fighting each new wave of self in fear and trembling
and in fear and trembling I reach with timid hands to grasp the veil about the face of my spirit
Calling out the life in me and raising up the dead
So that I may see what it is that is truly taking place within my head.

Sometimes I like you best when you've got nothing to say
Dog tired, **** out of luck, in the tender hours of the new day
I like the way you stare at the ceiling thinking about God or some feeling
You left long ago in another room back when these days weren't soon
Well we'll see it soon
And I know it hasn't been easy but I'm still thankful for this
Between failing grades and modern crusades this is an ungodly kiss but it's the one we needed just the same
It's  the one we needed after 4 years of destructive games
and this is the happiest I've been in years
Don't bother wiping my tears
I just want to sprawl out on your bedroom floor
Cds and video games spread out all over I am breaking at the core
I just want to talk like we're still in the 10th grade
Young and hopeful full of **** back before the mess was made
Back before we made them
But we keep on making them just the same
And I confess I've never screamed my lungs out like that before
But the fact that I could call you at 1 am no strings attached never meant more
I'm still stuck there on your floor

How the wonder years go

Modern baseball in my passenger seat you didn't say a word
Because you knew I needed just to be and that I needed just to be heard
Still sore from the lessons I had to learn
Still recovering from the bridges I burned
You still listened
And I did too
And I love the early hours of the morning when there is nothing left to say
Because we've been talking for the past four years and I think it's time to call it a day
And even though we can't we might as well try to stay
Just
stay.
for a second at least.

When they enter a room,
A warmth floods your being.
Your heart beats faster.
Looking into their eyes,
Your head spins, you forget the world.
Holding them is like flying, with them, you can withstand all trials.
The person who confuses you and gives you a love without a label.
Love in its simplest form-
Two people.
The person, the only person who you want to spend 500 lifetimes with,
Never expected.
The person, the soul that you wish to hold forever.
You ask yourself, "what is this?"
For it truly makes no sense.
But that is why the purest love is the greatest riddle of all time.

And as existential doubt sets in,
I know that I couldn't want you
But I couldn't help the rush of rejection
And so I fell
A thousand times
Screaming drunk filthy
I swear you were the one
Until I sit alone with myself and I know what lies within
But I don't know what lies beyond
And my hollow eyes find yours across the church
You in your white dress or suit or whatever nightmare you picked out
Plastered perfection
I was not the one for you
Because currently eternity has been looking more and more like a graduation ceremony
And I watch as everyone I've ever loved or loathed makes their way across the stage as I am seated in the back
And it doesn't really sting
Until the curtain falls
And I hear congratulations
With a mouth full of hell and a head filled with wine I stumble out into the crowd
And I spill myself all over your gown
Church or school auditorium it's all the same now
It's all the same now
Let the curtain fall on this too as I say congratulations
Congratulations
Congratulations
I still feel the same.

And there's breath in everything
From champagne glasses to the long ride home
Flying down some golden highway singing of all that is lost only to find that my hands are far from empty
And I am fully feeling again
Scraping the tapestry of the night with my bare hands through the open window
Skin tinted gold
Soul whit hot accentuated by street lights and lack of sleep
And it's over.
It's over and done
It's a short dash to that finish line and I can taste the blood in my mouth
Finally reconciled with the fire within me I am only just beginning
I am only just getting started
So before I finish
Let me just set to flame every lie I ever let under my skin
Let me purge my body of every misconception or deception I took into my ribs with quiet reserve and called my own
I may be young but I've grown since then
And I won't pretend to be any less than myself  
I won't pretend to be the quiet shell of a girl who couldnt take her eyes off the ground or raise her head to stand up straight
That girl is dead
She died,
Not peacefully
But in a forrest fire
A fire that ravaged the wilderness inside of her and lay her bones bare on the blackened earth.
So if you're looking for all that she was,
You won't find her here.
You'll only find the fire that tore her apart
And the breath,
The same breath that binds everything together,
Stitched safely in between her ribs.

Rivers flow from my open mouth as I'm fallen back at your feet
Indigo and bruised I always come back to you
Sweaty and sick on a Thursday night
Wash me clean in dewy grass and light me up like the air planes in the night
The want will never end.
This want will never end.
And I've plastered up my body so that you cannot see the cracks
But I come spilling out anyway
Crucify me with your kind eyes
Resurrect my broken lungs
What a pretty thing to pity the girl who'd wash your feet
What a petty thing to want.