there are no fairytale endings in this darkness,
the only ones that are amongst us here are heartless.
we are the ones that love too hard,
we let the world tear us apart,
we are the ones that seek the chaos and the madness.
-

may we meet our hearts desires & make bonds we can’t forget,
may we conquer all obstacles, & live a life we won’t regret.
may we create a space that’s warm and safe for generations to come.
may we stop the madness,
dismiss the sadness,
may we all just live as one.

there was always a fire in his eyes,
i mean the way they lit up at the sight of me was almost crazy.
he was my book of ****** fantasies,
i loved everything about him but the things i loved most were the ones hidden behind closed doors.
his voice would immediately arouse me,
but the moment he laid hands on me it was salacious.
as i bit my lip & gasped for breath,
it was almost never too much for me to handle.
you see, when you open up yourself to someone & not just anyone,
someone worth opening up to..
the feeling takes you places beyond what you can imagine,
its no longer *** its something bigger, more immense.
i can say not everyone deserved me, but he did..
never promiscuous.
we bonded in a different way,
i thought about him & the way he made love every chance i got.
it made me wonder, did he love me? or was the heat so misleading..

i sit and wonder how.
i often wonder why.
is this world only illusion
draw conclusions in the sky.
making shapes out of the clouds,
sharing poetry with trees.
bare-foot,
***** headed,
wind surrounding
bringing ease
to my worries.
the birds,
they listen to my stories.
they often speak back.
pure abundance,
no lack.
variety a plenty.
full of life,
never empty.
but i am empty
when i do not visit,
much rather stay in-doors.
so eager to explore
yet still afraid.
more so amazed
at your stillness
and your will
to carry on
so firm and strong.
holding the key
to nature's song.
i call you tree,
but you are me.
you are all i wish to be.
you are all i wish to see.

i want your arms on my body
wrapped tight
close knit.
i want to feel you inside me
so deep
perfect fit.
allow your tongue to explore me
as my lips keep you company
all of my fears have erased
i want to feel you on top of me.

you know, i can sit here and write endlessly about how i feel & try to express through words what's hurting me..
but, at the end of the day this is only temporary..
the relief i get from writing is similar to the relief i get from cutting, its beautiful yet so ******* temporary.

of course, its better than nothing at all but i dream of a time where i no longer need to write poetry with anonymous subliminal statements\ messages.. where i no longer run on here every time that i feel an urge to cut or every time that i get this beautiful yet dreadful tingle in my chest.. i dream of a time where i can run to you, and you know without it being said what i am feeling..
a time where your ear becomes my canvas.
i dream of a lover that doesn't despise my scars but finds so much interest behind them that they won't rest until they know what caused them, who caused them and when it will stop.
a lover above all lovers, my lover... *but i'm stuck between "if its meant to be, it'll happen" & "if you want it, go and get it."

is this really love? or is it more?
a feeling that cant be described..
yet, it feels like ive been here before
this moment, ive seen it
these feelings arent new to me..

this is deeper than love
its bigger than love
this is more powerful than any two lovers can even fathom

the way my soul quakes at the very sound of your voice..
the way my nose cringes at the calling of your name
.. the way im awake at 4am, expressing my feelings through a poem because i cant build up enough courage to spill my guts to you..
it hurts..
holding it in hurts more than letting it go,
you not knowing is hurting more than if you knew..

not afraid of being hurt by you,
babe im strong enough to get over it..
ive encountered too many sleepless nights,
too many dark thoughts,
too many cuts at the wrists,
too many wet pillows and broken pencil sharpeners..

too many to be afraid of love..
im stronger than ive ever been and im not afraid to search you!
im not afraid,
to search the deepest parts of your soul,
to love all of the bad parts of you.

i yearn for a lover that drinks whiskey and eats roses,
a lover not afraid to love me until i strain all of the energy from him
i yearn for the depth,
a certain compatibility that everyone else has failed to achieve

i want nothing to do with the ordinary,
i will not settle.
i want to know that your soul matches mine
that we are on the same mental level
so that when we are together, we are a force so powerful that the earth will quake along with our souls..

**or is that too much too ask?

i took your criticism,
turned it to a win.
you can control the world,
but not what’s here within.
i am too soul,
because of that i always win.
my heart gets cold,
the world is darker than my skin.

do we really want to be here?
or are we living in the moment?
.. with a scare from my demons,
the moment you realized who i was and what i was capable of..
why didnt you run?

you should have ran for your life,
you never should have came here..
and now,
now you made a mess of things and the bantam of sanity i had left..
disappeared

darling, did you realize the detriment?
did you realize the anguish before you left?
im not angry with you, because who would stay?
you should have left though..
when you realized that i was impractical..
when you looked in my eyes and saw my demons playing hopscotch in the back of my head..

did it scare you?
of course it did..
you left me here, alone..
you abandoned me because you were afraid but i dont need someone who's afraid to face my demons and all that comes along with me..
i need someone that will channel the demons and stare at my soul even if it is the most darkest thing that they have ever seen..
even if it scares you to the point where you wont know if you'll ever be sane again..

Monday is a struggle in itself, how treacherous she is, so unpromising..
Tuesday is just another day.. i try to get through but when you're losing hope its hard to even.. exist..
Wednesday is my least favorite day, im just waiting for Friday to get here.
Thursday, by the time he's here my existence is about ready to just fade away into the darkness that is similar to my spirit.
Friday is here, this is what ive been waiting for.. glasses full of whiskey as i try to numb the pain and as im half way through the only thing im able to do is remember you.. the very thing i am trying to forget.
& then Saturday comes, and i try again.. you know, it never works out but im not giving up! til the day i can drink glasses of whiskey and get inebriated without pouring out my heart halfway in  because i miss you! i live for that beautiful day.
Sunday... oh isnt this great? one day before Monday and i start all over again.. the process.. its eating away at my soul & i dont know how much longer i can do this

so you lead and i submit?
well,
while the blind cannot lead
and you will most likely drag me to ****,
atleast we’re cute.
you know? relationship goals.
-
it’s funny,
men tell you what not to be then betray you with the same description.
& they ain’t messing with no gold digger but an encounter with a woman that has her sh-t together
leaves your ego fetal positioned.
-
it’s tragic.
one day they are all over you,
the next day they are over you.
the mind games are the only thing that’s lasting.
attracted to big as$3s.
never mind
how she keeps her surroundings,
can she cook some food?
raise a child?
or raise you, for that matter.
-
you base worth off of body count
or how tight a vagiina grips
your insecure little d-ck
that’s seemingly more of a man than you can ever be.

when its all said and done baby,
what was there to hold onto?
empty promises and lies?
i bet my passion still haunts you..

i bet my soul still makes you nervous,
i bet my voice still lingers in the deepest parts of your body..
like a disease spreading through your veins,
& i hope it never ends..

you will always remember me,
you will always miss me..
when you try to build something new,
with someone new,
all that you think you have will crash and burn..

everything you think youre creating,
will be diminished
& whatever little piece of happiness you find,
will die a slow death..

you will try to find someone like me
someone better than me but,
sorry dear..

swings like pendulums
on planets at the heart
& at core.
doors are opening
& more life is channeling into source
to explore & expand,
great,
creation.

show true colors when no one is looking.
we fear what they may think,
not  
understanding the power  we hold
and it’s deeper than we know and think.
i don’t see no potential,
im insecure.
though i know im enough,
i search for more.
seeking validation,
mere appreciation.
but the fault isn’t you,
it is what is in your view.
you see pictures everyday,
depicting perfection,
a certain perception that flows in one direction
toward a standard of beauty
that’s unhealthy
and unkind.
but the problem isn’t your body
no the problem is your mind.
the reason you are blind
is a truth you’ll never find
if you try to fit an image outside of who you are.
you’ll never find a resting place
not near and
no not far,
you were created equal not identical,
you see
&
i wouldn’t wanna be anyone else,
cause no one can be me.

words can bring life
or cut sharp,
as a knife at your throat
forming portals to aid a spiritual escape.
words can bring fate
or bring smiles to the face of the beholder.
words are everything
still nothing.

love has turned us into enemies,
a love gone spoiled,
a broken bond.
we lost touch with loving energies
we’re enemies.
but we’re supposed to be in love.
love wasn’t enough
to keep us in love.
we’re out of touch
so beautiful,
what it could’ve been.

....and the moment i saw you i knew you were trouble..
the way your eyes held so many different emotions
a devil in disguise

did i really let my guard down?
did i really?
held my breathe and dived into my feelings for you.
no regrets
    n
             o
                       n
                                e.

for a moment i hated the thought of what could happen..
but then you smiled at me
and...
well, i lost all control over my being
                         loving you recklessly..

no what if's, buts, or maybe's!
no why's or regrets
the moment i fell for you even though i was unsure if you felt the same way..
i was fine with it, baby is that okay?

i mean... you..
you're so perfect in your being
my soul is in love with you
in love with what we could be..
in love with the very thought of you loving me back
.. **can you?

we share a space,
we fear a place
where we can never exist.
where the only lovers left alive
are clenching at fist.
too many standing in the way,
and when you run,
you run away.
and you may never see the day
where you witness your reflection
in the eyes of someone pure.
revealing all thats hidden,
all you’ve never seen before.
-

i believe in a creator,
the most diligent artist itself.
not man\woman,
not human at all;
a force greater than the most complex of understanding.
i don't believe in a saviour
returning to save the world,
i believe in a divine plan
so perfectly timed
that the world will save itself.
an enforcer of love,
not the word
but the feeling.
undeniably a feeling relating to a higher source of energy.
a higher being
possessing a certain healing.
i believe in energy,
frequency,
vibrations high & low.
vibes everywhere you go.

it’s like my feelings are a game
& my heart is the main entrance to the place where you go to get your rocks off.
then leave when you become bored.
we won’t see you for several days or even several months
until one day you come strolling in with your perfect essence & words of affection.
carelessly flinging around emotions and seeking amusement through my misery.
you’re no different.

running away is easy,
almost too easy.

silly little girl,
thinking that someone could love you.
beyond all the slightly faded scars and battles that you went through.
silly little broken girl,
thinking someone will ever care.
they all just see a broken piece with loneliness so clear.
silly little broken girl.
just run away,
maybe you’ll find someone to love,
somewhere, someday.
don’t you stay,
they’ll never hear the things you say.
they’ll just trample you,
push you aside,
say that you’re not good enough.
they’ll say that you were fun to try,
maybe next time you’ll have better luck.

update

been falling asleep to the sounds of you,
mocking me.
& every time you say you’re gone,
i hope for good.
from September of 17
to new beginnings in 19;
from raging enemies,
to dreams of all that could.
-
like all of our personalities had split personalities,
inconsistency played big reality.
& im always crushed when you leave.
the first few days are a breeze
then all my old wounds start to bleed.
i can’t control my breathing,
i am never at ease with you
and yet i always want to see you through.
and yet ill always wish the best for you.
-

fear..
it has taken the place of the faith i once had.
it is making a brutal entrance, like salt in my wounds..
i thought i was healed.
forgiveness & the idea of unconditional love;
they had became apart of me.
i tried to be different!
i tried to embrace the respite from my bitterness
but fear came back
& it swallowed me..
everything i thought i had permanently gained showed itself to be temporary.
-----
see, fear is a battle i can’t seem to win
& everytime i think ive gained a 1up it returns to give me hell!!
i am fearful, longing to be fearless.
i am fire, but can my fire out-live the fear?

remember yourself for all that you are,
a beautiful child of the cosmos,
filled with strong feminine energies that can change the world.
goddess of love, light & acceptance.
angelic force of peace.
wild, chaotic & creative.
vibrant & earthbound.
beautiful with a mind made of stars,
& a body of the universe.
you CONQUER!
young on the earth,
old in the galaxies.
living two worlds but separated by a shimmering veil.
aware.
always safe in the arms of yourself.
become who you are meant to be.
embrace your female energy.

two minute series speaking volume,
sharing hints when i am cynical.
yours words always seem viable,
they take control of my mental.
you know she knows
that’s why you’re quick to question loyalty.
you know she knows that you’re not fit to prove your loyalty.
i am the catch
& if you disagree
you’re dismissed
you see,
i **** egos,
make them none to exist.