My mom sees me asleep and at rest i stay for about half of my days.
They try to hide the bottles but i find a way, i threaten for the location. what have i become?
ive become numb to my feelings now all i crave is for the pain to stay away.
I dose myself with triple the take so its impossible to stay awake.
I wake up the next day with an epiphany today ill light a fire and maybe theyll see that lately im not me and that my secrets have been eating away at me and destroyed everything ill ever be. She'll call the police but before they come i take three ativan to relieve the anxiety. I black out im told i became sporatic and every breathe sounds like im asthmatic. I fight the police who try to subdue the unruly me.At the hospital I rip out my i.v so they put a full body restraint on me. A couple hours later im admitted into crisis and for the next 6 months this is where my home will be.

I know its been a while old friend
but dont show it just do what your told
for the things we try for hardest
are the things that die saddest
Although its been a while
since your number i dialed
i still think of you, i try to lie
and hide behind a barely open door
i lost track of whats worth fighting for
But the day i opened my eyes i was shaken to my core
I try to look back but things could never be like before.
here i stay writing to an old friend that will never hear what i say
If only you knew the things i knew
youd see why your lies cant burn
if i cant hold them to a candle anymore.
I want to drop my facade for a second and say im broken shaken
and every person i see is mistaken for your ghost.
You visit me in my dreams. i start to talk but
have nothing to say.
since the day you chose to go away.
over things i never meant to say
in response to burning pain.
were over now and i cannot cave.
just keep swimming to my next wave.
who knows where this one leads
somewhere far from here
where i can repent for my evil deeds
tear apart my old world and leave no tears.
because where im going even angels fear.

these days go by so slow when im sober/ i wish i could stay high til its all over/ i dont wanna be alone so ill invite a friend to come over./ shes sweet with nice **** an alright *** i wont lie. shes not number one but maybe a good number two/ she looks to me because she knows thats all i ever invite her over to do/. she starts the same **** everytime/ with the same old line/ luis why do i only ever come over just to **** /dont you ever have any thoughts of us/ in my mind i say no/ not one ****/. i dont say much just keep my mouth shut til she gets the hint and rushes to grab her stuff /because this is just what she needed to get over us/. She says that **** every time and i just zone her out because i dont have the time for this little ******* asinine comments to affect my mind/. My stomach is sick and im in a daze i cant remember when i ate its been about how many days?/ oh yea 3/ i better munch on something before i get sicker.things are starting to look grimmer and its effecting every aspect of my day. itll be over soon or at least thats what i pray to god as i look to the moon from the window of my bedroom/

I wake up around 3 A.M. my body starts to quake i try to stay quiet but theres only so much i can take. my little brothers asleep he shouldnt see me this way. i work my way to my room grab the bottle , there i stay. close the door until they start to taper away. when did it get this bad i really have no-one but wish someone would see that lately im not me.  ive been these thoughts that only with death ill be free. i shutter at the thought that i would even think of leaving my brother. Id only take my pain and give it to the people i love but keep at bay.Sometimes i think of asking but i dont know what to say.the pill settles and my mind starts to stray, the warm feelings back now everything is going to be okay.