Lightening shines
Give it time
Inside there is no light
The spark in my eye...
Is a fake design
Surprise
I'm all pretend
Lies and fake friends

I don't travel much
But right now I'm on a journey
Hoping I can use it as a distraction to keep my soul from hurting
I just want to sleep
But slumber won't find me
I don't travel much
But I'm hoping to find myself
Because back at home the focus seems to be on everyone else

You don't know her
She is always forgotten

In your memories but soon your lips will only describe her as nondescript

The script of her life
How did she go from being so sweet to rotten
From just nightmares to sleep walking

Sweet ole her
Innocent and pure
Now she is impaired

In the need of refinement
But she doesn't have the strength to try it

You see she is chained to the past
Barely saw her dad
He was mean
Always got the last word

Drunk and abusive
Her mom was an unbloomed tulip
Looked kind but was bitter to her daughter

They'd fight and she would cry at night
She was ashamed of and had extreme anger for mother

How can you watch as she takes hits
Instead of intervening

Police bust down the doors and drag dad to jail
To the homeless shelter we go
No money, no home
It is cold

I barely knew what was going on around me
Refuse to talk to adults because they were all so confusing
And honestly my questions only led to answers that were lies

I had fear in my eye
The things that I had seen
The smoke filled air I'd breathe

Let's not forget the bullies
That talk stuff because I was so "imperfect"

Never had the latest brands
Because mom had no bands

Let's not forget how dad was back again
All hope was drained
She had thoughts of suicide and then a boy came

Walked his way in
She spilled her ink onto his page
He left anyways

Guess her story was too boring

You don't know her
You did at a time

She is nothing but rotten
And only meant to be forgotten

Chains, *******, slaves
I'm in an unfamiliar place

I can't escape

Ropes bound me to a destiny
I don't want to take
I don't believe in fate

At this rate I'll never be free
Because even when the chains are gone
My mind is still in ******* and my heart is still broken

My brain is still not as wise as I wish it was
Because regardless the damage they did I feel can't be undone

I think I've finally gave up
I'm in an unfamiliar place

I can't escape

What will it take
To break away from pain
I long to see a smile on my face

Smiling seems so simple
Yet when I try it's so hard
Not one of those fake ones
I wanted something genuine

That would make the bubbly feeling last
Until time passed and I fell asleep

Dreaming of beautiful things
Dreaming of being free from pain

Stuck in the depths of the ocean
Long lost cities held under

She is drowning in a swamp of cold
No one there to hold her

Out of her mouth it's all lies
"Give it time"
This soul will never rest

I tried to have no regrets
Barely breathing,
Choking up like she has a hole in her neck

And although surrounded by people  she could never be more alone
She waited through rain and snow

No one ever came to get her though
Resolving to a heart of stone
A spirit with no guidance to the right road

Is it that bad to love someone you can't have
No wonder I'm dressed in all black

The death of my love
I always fall for the lost ones
I attract what I am
And bam it's magical

Were like an explosion of galaxies
And once everything is at peace an asteroid strikes
I tried to hold on but I'm only burned by the light

So gravity pulls us different ways
Floating around in space

Of course I'm dressed in all black
You skin the goat
I'll gut the cat

I want you back
But you are something I can't have

He sought to fix me because I was broken
He convinced me that when I was around him
I could put my heart in the open

He noticed it had a hole in it
He sought to make me smile
Make me laugh

As the days passed he just thought I was mad
Honestly he did make me happy
But being cute and bubbly all the time isn't realistic

He told me that all he sought was me
Wether sweet or moody
But that was a lie

He went from adoration to trying to escape and avoid me
He sought to dig me out the dark
But he knew he might only lose himself

He wasn't ready to go that far
Said it was too hard
So he left

Our relationship had taken its toll
We both knew this
I just wasn't ready to let go

He decided to leave
And now I long for him to hold onto me

It's the little things we tend to take for granted

This is a story begun
Never ended

Everytime I try
Just shush, just listen
It's all fuzzy, glitching

I can not seem to find my motivation in anything
Unless prompted by a grade

I can pass your course, yet I'll fail my life
I'd dream myself to be something other than a student
If your class didnt take all my time

If I did not spend my nights trying to find a reason why ...
Knowledge makes me want to die
Consume my mind

A few more credits to accredit my worth

Unassisted, a lack of support tore my nature to explore
and gave me the power to put on a wry smile and lie

Mutter, "I'm fine"

“Hey wait for me”,
She said.
Running to catch up
With the rest of the group.
The group
that zipped her lungs
and
clipped her wings.

Drowning and withering away
You tell yourself they don't care
And you have no reason to stay
But then you remember the days
A smile crossed your face
And you know the sweet taste of freedom is not far
So just look up at the stars
Keep that upper lip stiff
Happiness will find you
And sunlight will drag you out of the shadows again

I'm drowning in the abyss
I'm not making it out of this ****
But as the depths of me lay in defeat
I know I'll be granted by the threads of hope
Waiting for me to pull
Because though I cannot fight
I will rise again

You'll never believe that I am the secrets and you're the words
Just like I don't want to believe I was the ball and you were the bat
What am I even saying
Why am I still writing
These words don't feel the void in my chest
Church says God bless
But then talk down about you
I can attest
I'm drowning in myself
The beast of my mind is consuming me
How much is left
I have no ambition to fight
I'm weak and you'll never know how it feels to be me
No matter how much you relate
You won't know how much I feel it's in vain
Depressing words to match feelings
Dressed in a uniform
Tears roll down my cheeks
Snot dripping nose
All, just leave me alone
Yes I'm broken hearted because the crack was never sealed
And although I act like a cold blooded murderer
I'm the one dying
I'm fading away
You'll never believe that I am the secret and you're the words
The ones I never heard
I don't know myself
Death is stuck in my head
These words you're reading don't mean a thing
Just another broken soul
Probably nothing original
Everyone feels pain
These emotions are cliche
Nothing, still got the same feeling

I carry my heart
Even when split

As my love monopoly is shattered
I cater to the worries of later

Tending to the blood shed
Wandering a realm of nothingness

Seeking the wrenching guilt will not descend
Buoyantly moving in
Seeking to feel the sinkhole within

Before, she loses all hope
Before she goes over the cliff with no end
Infinitely, dark, cold, and ridgid

I travel the sea
Awakening the clouds above

Mesmerized by unfulfillment
Enthralled in a daze,
She steps forward

The lily turns gold
In the valley she has found her home

Her eyes close.

You know what hurts
That we ignore all the wrong things
Nothing is real until It effects us personally
Society is so messed up
But why complain
What will it change?
Nothing
In a way we're all the same
They try to separate us
You wanna be different sure
But you aren't
Every feeling you have has already been felt
All the rotten tragedies and the historical comedies have been acted out
You know what hurts
How everyone I know
Doesn't know me
Guess staying in a shell has some consequences
But when you're outgoing you are desperate
How do you win
What is the point of all of this
Who will stay strong and who will give in
You know what hurts
How lonely people feel like they only exist when somebody else needs something and the one person who wasn't trying to use them gets pushed away
You know what hurts
How we will chase somebody who doesn't love us back ignoring the person who will treat us way better
You know what hurts
Life
Experiences with desire
Also strife
Cold nights
Warm days
Sweet Champagne
Wine
Sour grapes

She said, "please help me I'm in pain"
The reply was "no the demons won't sleep
Rage and rage they will

What will you do to make it end
We know you've thought about ending yourself

The demons will only dream
Imaginative things
They'll take you to the depths of hell but know
None of it is truly real

You let them crawl in your brain
They're like pain killers

You take too much and you don't heal
You're only killing me

'Cause the demons don't die
They only dream
And you're fueling these creative things"

Unhappy endings
I never have what I need
And I'm too weak to voice my pleads
I tried before and the only thing I got was the name desperate
I'm drowning in thoughts
What is the cost?
Possibly my sanity

The cold air touched my face
And as I tried to write
I realized it wasn't right

How could I describe
What I'm feeling
When I'm simply feeling numb

There is nothing flowing from my pen
Rubbing against my thumb

I'm all out of ink
Probably because sometimes I forget I am it
And my emotions are the driving force of me

I have a plethora of pain
Although I am fortunate
That much is appreciable
I'm just trying not to use people for my own gain
People tend to take me as rude
I say I'm staying true
I keep telling them I can be cold and sweet
They can't see
Finite amounts of knowledge on me
Sometimes I wonder why God made life so fathomless
I believe everyone tries to understand
I don't think God will ever give answers to man
It's just a bunch of guesses
A bunch of twists and turns
My life is full of bruises and burns
Paltry is the perfect word to describe this
It's all in vain
What if none of this is real
And we wake up from a dream when we die
My accretion of worry increases by the day
The reason I play it safe
My mother thinks I'm selfish
I should be more thankful
Gratitude guide me
So I can be grateful
But I'm not satisfied with the way life is
My insatiableness
I just learned to cope with it
But this is all too copious

I sit alone
No one stands by my side
My mother left me
I'm waiting for my ride
One more service I tell myself again
It kills me inside
But it's a lost cause
Because I died so long ago
From feeling so alone

Haven't talked for six days
So long to be cut off from the person you love the most
But even when their around the distance can be felt
The air is coated with awkwardness
What are we doing
All of this is pointless
We're both loners who fell in love just to fall out
We both know but in the communication department we are slow
It's just not working out he let me know
It's too hard
His perseverance is all for show
So conceited
He dropped me like trash
But littering isn't a felony
I over exaggerated
I tried to fix the broken but instead got embarrassed
Asked his best friend about him
He said he was just emo
But I'm the one on my period
How am I taking this better than him
I'm also all for show
Surprised I didn't snap
Oh crap it's really over
Told my "friend" but she says to let go of him
All these voices in my ear
None are his
Put my headphones in
The faucet runs through my eyes
My thoughts always have a twist
My brain is such a pessimist
All of this could've been solved
If communication was our resolve
It's over
That was all that needed to be said
No explanation
Everything we had is dead

The inside is so hollow to touch
I think the world has carved out enough
I don't want to be a pumpkin anymore
I don't want them to look at me as a decoration
But it's just too late...
It's simply already been marked on my face
With your knife
that took the place of a once happy soul

I loved you
You broke me
I envy
Your capability

I have no motivation to do anything
It's really not showing
I still manage to replicate the perfect student
Romodel human being
They think my mind is on my grades
My mind is set on ending my pain
I'll only fade
I'll only fade
And this time they all know
They just won't give me the help I need
So don't tell me you care about me
Don't even say you know me
If you're trying to tell me you know what I'm feeling
Don't say you know what I'm dealing with
Cause you're not the one who can never sleep
You're not the one shaking cause your wrist is aching for a blade
You're not going to help me so I should drop all hope
I have no reason to live
And the blood drops at my finger tips
Are screaming cave in ....

I'm done with life
Tired of hiding all my strife
Frowning hopefully somebody will notice or care
Sitting in my chair
A mouthful to say but the words are err
All the wrong thoughts going through my head
Wishing I was dead
Because I feel like I've lost all life
I hate when I'm there and I'm not here
Feeling so alone but so many others are near
I'll be fine as long as I don't resolve to tears

Although poor
I could offer you riches
And I would stay but
I know eventually you'd shift
So many secrets
My mouth, I'll stitch
Keep it all in
And when everything burns down
I know I am the one
Who will be holding the matches

Bright like the sun
Dark like the night
Wrong like a flaw
Right like the angle
Beautiful like an angel
Without wings or a halo

I'm a sponge
I soak up so much
But after I'm used up
I dry out and start to stink
People get rid of me

She was a charlatan
An imposter
Her acting was exposed
Splattered on a roster

Clemency
They would pass no mercy
Life, bitter like a pickle
Sweet like a hershey

Culpable
Who is to blame
Such a thin line between crazy and sane

The culprit was caught in a swamp of guilt
The one thing the murderer could not ****

Exonerate my name
It's such a shame
They love to point fingers
Yet everyone did the same

You won't give me what I need
I'll extort
Donald trump deports
When will we even the score

The felony had been erased
Or so she thought
So long ago she had been caught
Opened up to one whom she thought she could talk
It was all a tale
Snakes once walked

She is incorrigible
Stuck in a lie
Denial was the gleam in her eye
To be defiled would be to lose her shine

She stole in pilfers
A ruse from her dealer
Anger flashed inside
She would make sure his death was worth every dime she never had,
At the ****** mess she made, she chimed
Then dined, drinking red wine

Reprobate
Reprimand
They just demanded obedience
But she doesn't answer to man

I'm going to lose you
This isn't the first time
We never really had a stable relationship

I'm starting to think I'm a *******
I love someone who doesn't love me back
It's pointless but I can't help it

The truth smacks me in the face everyday
And I wake up to the weight on my heart
Thoughts race through my mind
Even when it's silent, I have no quiet time

I'm trying not to ignore it
But all my feelings just seem depressing
By the days that pass they lessen
It was always I'm going to lose you
I'll never see you again

And there is no risks now
Because I think he knows I still love him
I was so focused on losing him

But I lost something more valuable
I lost my sanity
I lost my grip on reality
I lost my hope
The spark in my eye
I lost myself
And I can't deny

At the end of the day it's only me
I'm the only one to blame for this
Pain is what I'm used to though
So even though I know I should
I won't let it go

I'm afraid of pain
And I thought that if I didn't run from it or avoid it or ignore it I'd be fine
But all facing it did was hurt me
Face your fears
I tried
I didn't even deny

And all it did was destroy me
So now I'm hiding from my problems
Not going to try to run
I'm lost
My heart feels done

Out on the dock
You asked for my heart
So many times it was torn apart
This one is different
I lied to myself but it was ok
Sometimes smiles minimize pain
Doubt in the back of my mind
I show you my scars
My ocean of secrets
My oasis of truth
My bottles full of past things I never let go
Reopen old wounds for you
Very unconventional
But it was you and you deserved to know
You broke bottle after bottle when I begged you to stop
Tore out my heart and left me dying on the dock
No tears fell from my eyes
You looked into mines, turned around and never took a second glance
But I begged for you to come back and help me
Screamed your name but you ignored
As my blood mixed with the salt in the ocean
I saw into the future
You with another girl
Where was I
Out on the dock
Waiting for something that wasn't going to happen
Unconventional and unintentionally
I cut off anything that could've healed me
Surrounded my self with glass
Bound by the past
Love I couldn't let go of held me back

My love for you died
When I realized you would always choose suicide

Now I'm just lying...
While you try to live your life

Yeah right...
Please, you couldn't stay away from death if you wanted to

Cause you don't listen
and you don't forget

So you take me for granted time again
and again

You're just gonna lose another friend
If I can even call myself that

You say "love me" and I say "I love you"
again but I don't mean it

I'm a weakling

Empty bottomless pit
The death wish
This feeling really won't end.

Have I relapsed into my depression?
Does everything I say have a dark expression?
Am I sleeping too much and not eating enough?

I force a smile and say I'm fine
Oh how I wish truth seeped from my lips
But it's all lie

Empty bottomless pit
My life is full of nothingness
If I vanished no one would notice
Even my soul does not want me

Bless you
I sneezed

Feel the cool breeze
Just what I need to mock my feelings

I still wish not to see you in any way, shape or form
But my heart no longer feels the need to conform
To what I think you want anymore
And the chemicals are sent to my brain saying
"baby girl it's ok"
I've fallen for someone else
And greed is consuming me
I want every single piece
I want everything
But I know what I can't have
There are boundaries
And that is the best thing
We will never be
No need to destroy previous things
Cause love can build you up
And love can tear you down
The best thing is
I'm the only one who can hurt me now

She walks alone
No one knows her path
Confusion and uncertainty sit in her lap
The air is her acquaintance,
Feel the breeze
The weather is her comfort,
It never leaves
In need of inspiration,
She looks to the trees
They stand strong in the fall even though they lose their leafs
She writes poetry in hope one day the person it was written for will read
Friends has become nothing more than another meaningless word
She is a loner at heart
Her ways might not be the wisest
But she is still trying to play it smart
Why reopen a wound?
It will only be made deeper
With no bandaid to cover
The loss of another
Get an infection
That needs to be removed
And the reason she opened it will be only a mere memory
She needs a remedy
She walks alone
No one knows her path
She has no friends
Confusion and uncertainty sit in her lap
She is just another outcast

Today it rained
As if to mock the pain of the day
I knew I was alone and had no friends
But to have the evidence smack me in the face
Was another thing
I knew but I wasn't prepared
They claimed they loved me but would they care if I was dead
I'm overthinking
Thoughts get out of my head
No one cares about my life
So why would they care about my death
Of course I won't be the reason I die
Because then my soul would be in an eternal hell
Unlike here there will be no bail
ill judgement was passed
Yesterday I was on top of the world
Today I just crashed
They say the day you enter the world is the most painful of your life
And we don't even remember
But who would
No one asked for this we're just here
Just like my unwanted tears

I was broke
I was down
There seemed to be no one around

I tell stories of my past
Foolish things I did
It's cool because I can look back and laugh

Some people I know get mad
I'm just glad
No longer naive

Lessons learned
I'm sure there are more ahead of me

I was broke
I was down
There seemed to be no one around

I ****** the things I need off the shelves
Put them in my baggy shirt and leave
Hands in the pockets of my jeans

Walking down the street
Cop sirens are all I'm hearing
Always looking back to make sure they aren't after me

I don't want to be charged for petty thief
Look people straight in the eye and lie to them

After a while of this
I couldn't feel guilt
I'm remorseless

She said, "this will be a night you remember"
but I persisted we both would forget...
Until we parted ways and she left an imprint on my mind again.

Sometimes I think I hate them all
Sometimes I don't feel at all
I live and dwell in a dark space
I call this place home
Isolation is what I've resolved to
I'm better off alone
Although grieving and sad
It's better than being heart broken
The world doesn't need me
Millions of others that live and are breathing
Sometimes I hate them all
Sometimes I don't feel at all
It's nice to be happy
But I can't find the key
It's not like happiness will just land in my hands
I feel there is a hole where my heart used to be
Bad past experiences
I laugh at horrible things
Normal people would be mad or crying
Sometimes I hate them all
Sometimes I don't feel at all
I tried to grasp the thing I needed
But I just don't have the understanding
For showing so much sensitivity and weakness
Just opening your mind
Letting other people crawl inside

Shaking back in forth holding my knees
On the darkness of my room thinking of you
Somebody help me please my eyes scream
My life the song of heartbreak
And I want it to stop...
I need it to stop
But I can't make it end
Contemplating my decisions
Grampa one day I'll join you in heaven.....



Still have that old ring you bought me
It said love
I remember how my father stepped on it
It still has the dent and to be honest the only reason
I'm not entirely in pieces
Is because as long as I have that ring
We won't be apart and I'll know you're not that far


Does it make me a horrible person I only cried three tears for someone I knew for years
Yet when I lost someone who I only thought loved me
I broke down almost completely
I don't get me
Emotions yet I'm heartless
Please tell me how bad I am
Please just give me a reason to end it
I'm tired of living

I don't know what is honestly wrong with me
He said that's because there is nothing wrong
You're perfect
As much as I want to believe those words
I know it's not true
It hurts badly because if there was nothing wrong
What was his reason for leaving
It was completely by choice
And I feel like when people say they love me
They're just deceiving
That's why I can never make myself say it back
If I admit it that's proof I'm probably attached
Latched onto them
And then they leave
Where does that put me
I'm lost and I don't know where I'm headed
And it's all because I'm stuck in the question of
Will I ever have real love
Because what's love
When its one sided
It's nothing but pain
It's like you love but it's all in vain
I don't know what's honestly wrong with me
He said that's because there is nothing wrong
You're perfect
I love you
It was all just a ruse he used to trick me
But he didn't get what he wanted
And no matter how much he denies it
I know it's the truth
If there is nothing wrong with me
Why did he leave
And why can't he give me a real reason
I can never say I love you too
Because to me it's all one big lie
I tried to love
Even with broken pieces
But what good does it do
When the other person doesn't love you

Pieces of you writher away,
Ache and Anguish is all you can feel,
Interested in how to cure what you felt
No one could heal

Why did God make life like this
I get that perfection is a delusion
And that eventually Jesus will come back for us
Destroying the earth
Ending the way it stared
With love having the last say
Back to darkness
Which was before the creation of day
Why did God make pain like this
How does he expect me to be happy living this way
All I find is misery
Maybe this religion isn't for me
But I do believe he is real
I just don't get why it takes my scars so long to heal
He breaks me down til' I am nothing
Gives me wisdom
Gives me strength
And when I start moving too fast
He takes it away
I just don't get why he made pain the way it is
Pictures of mournfulness
There has to be more than this
I know I'm not alone
But it feels that way
And when I talk
I feel like it's to myself
But then I remember sometimes the answers to prayers are no
Do this
Do that
To enter the kingdom of heaven
Sometimes I feel like life was given as a punishment for the crucification of his son
But God is too loving and merciful
Doesn't it also say vengeance belongs to God in the Bible

Days like these I wish that you would carry me
Days like these I wish I had you to hold onto
Days like these I realize you're all I need
Obliterate all that was marked
I remarked your charm
The annihilation of the sun
I always look up
Ardent and awaiting
With such patience for my cold skin to be welcomed by the bright shine
How can you appreciate darkness if you've always been in the light
Maybe I was just scared
So I ran away
It all seems so vague and faint
Saturated by memories and empty oblivion
An oasis of hope evaporated
The ocean decapitated
Fire breathed and I could not see
The sun looked down on me
I whispered begging it would just let me breathe
And be to me what it had been to the trees
Give me life please
Give a life to live so that I can fulfill my purpose
But what is it
Oxygen and H2O
All my friends are foes
Days like these I wish that you would carry me
Days like these I wish I had you to hold onto
Days like these I realize you're all I need
Tainted by debris
I couldn't see
That what I needed was me

"... I am sunkissed,
Dropped from the sky above like a raindrop

I shine like a star
Made out of what was once nothing

I am the reason light exist.
I am the lonely uncertainty
That sits within darkness.

I cry out to my opposite,
Longing to attract it."