My toxic mind is my escape
These days,
I confuse pain for anger

Anger for pain

I invest, but never earn
I ask myself: will I learn?
I already know.

My hopes turn to dust,
When death whispers no.
I wish... I become optomistic...
I tell myself don't.

Sometimes I feel as though I want to live
I can not hold on,
When there is no rope.

I have fallen down the wishing well...
I have fallen in a hole.

Vitriolics follow me and I,
Can not see my life through a bigger scope.

I look at all the stars and know
I am the daughter of the sun itself
I am not the center just the product
Of perfect hell.

I ask myself: will I always be afraid?

I look through my clear tears
They burn my eyes
I forgot about the oil & salt.

Soap could clean it up.
Yet I wonder, who cleans the soap when it is filth?

I want the dirt to disappear
I want to swipe away the dust
I want to rid myself of disgust,
For whatever I broke inside, me.

How can I forgive when you're the reason I do not want to live?

I have been dying

I would give in
I would crumple
At this point I am not even sure how,

I wallow and swallow down my pain.
I drain myself of all mistakes.
I still drown.

Right when I am on the brink of peace
My mind reminds me:
There is nothing I can do to escape
I am still in myself, at the end of the day.

Take my impaired soul apart
Til death do us part
Fill my heart with scars
You think I'm cute and smart
Preparing for the start
I know I stumble in the dark
I'm horrible
Look at my life
Look at how I spend my time
Judge til no anger flows
Hurt me til you feel the need to no more
Pour out my empty cup
I have nothing left to give
All I ever had was me
I'm never enough for anyone
It won't work out
Head filled with doubt
The inside will shout
Silence, you hear now
Listen to the wind whispering
You won't need me
No one wants you ugly
My bee sting
My eyes burning
My heart yearning
My brained abandoned
I think my plane has unvoluntarily landed
It crashed to the ground
And now I'm safe and sound
Buried so deep in dirt
Forget me
Or should I beg for your forgiveness
Just leave me
All you ever saw was desperate
Take my impaired soul apart
This mess of art
Unloved
Unknown
Stupid and slow
No boat afloat
Fill my heart with scars
I'm already broken
Life full of evaporated oceans
Should've came faster
You evil *******
Preparing for the start
Your the light by my side
But I stumble in the dark

You were my oxygen
You were my tank
You were my strength
I gave my Independence away
So I always kiss the picture of young me
And apologize I'd ever do such a thing
You were my life
You were where I spent my time
You were my life line
I question what my mindset was
So I get stuck in an agonizing state
And then I start choking on all those times I spent with you
You're suffocating me
And I let you control when I breathed

I regurgitate all the cringey moments of pain I felt for some pompous fool...
I thought you were gone.

Not getting caught up in the cyclone of infatuation, was useful
Cruel treacherous whispers for a time
Until the next drama is pulled from the side lines,
Guess I was wrong.

Your off in the corner drifting off...
Into daydreams about me
While I think it's astounding
You could feel anything after drilling your screws into my head

Echoing screams you turned your back on,
Now you're wondering how I'm doing,
Digging up old feelings,
You must really want to **** me,
Seeing you won't leave until you have every piece

Forefront or unseen
I disappeared for a year
Screenplay
Action, were on, scene.

Will I get caught in a hurricane of forgetting
And living in a fairytale prairie?

Where you go pick daisies from the grasslands wishing with the intention of giving,
Pleading,

Attempting to do so in secrecy
While I await an apology
That is never coming.

I changed my mind for a second in time
And then said no
I'm getting better
But pains my home

And by the end of the day he is indifferent
and she is in pieces

By the end of the day they are happy
and the future is ready

By the end of the day the book is set
but life is unsteady

By the end of the day my thoughts
are more alive than I

Vividly paint my life inside my mind

You are the happiness I hide behind

And now you are running away from me

I'll pass out this time
but there are no splashes of green

Thanks for bringing what you had to offer
and then snatching it away from me

By the end of the day the only thing on my mind
is the nostalgic moments you gave me

I had my head in the future
but I am currently caught up in the now

You are my Carnation

A flower, so grow wild

I wanna see you smile

Smile through the blood of this haunted house
Laugh at the dead mouse
Get out GET OUT

Of my head.

Tears drop for the absence of my emotions
Unrequited love is a powerful potion

When I see them there is just this empty feeling
Lonliness gnaws at my pillow
Though I am willing

To find another love.

Sleepless nights wipe my eyes
I never had this problem before I knew what it was like

To have someone stand by my side.

No remedy found
There is no cure to this curse

To reverse the remains of a void.

You think I'm a joke
Maybe I was always a game to you
Don't be sad when I disappear
Acting like you didn't know
You're the reason I'm feeling this way
Extra pain
Time to break away
From your enchanting spell
Why do you put me through all this hell
Yeah you're hurting but you're not the only one
I'm choking up
Holding back the words I hate you
I won't do to you what you did to me
I won't degrade you
If you get stabbed in the back
You're not supposed to pull the weapon out
But I have to let this thing die
You cause me physical and mental pain
Verbally, with your mouth
And I want out
So I pulled out the dagger
Don't cry now
I gave you a chance
And you pranced all over it
Because to you I'm nothing
You never loved me
So goodbye
I'm staggering back
But I've made up my mind
Why is this so hard for me?

And everything you have done is more than enough
To make me wish you were dead

Everything amounts to nothing because ...

All the love I gave,
You threw back in my face
And I fell from such a force onto a platform, I prayed would be you

It amounts to nothing because ...
You're just another person who helped ruin me.

Don't stop when life gives you the red light
Although it always depends on what the situation is
Hold on tight when you feel your motivation slip
Control your own life
Don't let others rule over it
Sometimes you'll think you're all alone
Or you feel that way
No friends
No fans
No supporters
Just no one there
In your mind it's like I'm done
I can't do this
But you can,
You choose not to
The first step is to believe
If you give up on yourself
No one else can really pull you out
Is this your underachievement scheme
Don't stop when life gives you red lights
And don't over do it
Hold onto your insight
When it appears everyone doubts you
And you have no clear path
Raise your head
Put a smile on your face
Embrace yourself
And don't look back
Say I am my own motivation today
Because that my friends is what self determination truly is

You want me to leave the room
So I don't inhale your doom
Little do know I have an invisible cloak
I'm no fool
And it won't help you to make me leave
Don't you know I'm already dying
So if you're going to **** what's dead
Shoot me in the head
With your blasted smoke up my nose
I'll help plan the funeral
With white roses in my hand
Only to be tainted by the air
No one can breathe
You want me to leave
But I refuse to
Please damage me
So I can be buried right next to you

I hate feeling hurt
I always reach my highest highs in my life to find new lows

It's all just one big *****
Violence and internal conflicts won't leave me alone

Dark family secrets soon to be exposed
I am my biggest foe

And the storm makes it all the more bearable

I'm in a blizzard,
not an ice cream cone

Darkness seems to be calling me
My pain seems fun,
Just like the pineapples,
I'm crushed

You will always be my first love
You won't be replaced
I'm bad at leaving so when I give my Ice cubes
There is a lot at stake

I'll never forget how I was left in the snow that day

Hurt and alone
While you were warm and cozy at home

I'm in a blizzard, not an ice cream cone
I love the cold

Stuck in a storm
I meet others to keep me warm
But I'm watching the snowflakes grow from my hands

I'm watching the snow touch the land

I wish I was inspired instead of tired
I just want to write something beautiful
But no feelings seem to be there
So devoid
Life is putting me in a place where numbing me is better than feeling anything
I'm dead inside and it only gets worse
I'm pessimistic
Rehearsing my smile so that when I go out I don't seem depressed
All I've been is stressed
But then I get empty and start not to care
My innocence tainted
My hope disintegrated
My heart a black void
I don't need love and I don't need that boy
I don't need my friends and I don't need him
I've been all alone persevering
Some how I find it in me to still fake it and no matter how much I hate it it's just apart of routine
I won't stop til everything is in shambles
Is my happiness a lot to gamble
Not really it only last for a second
What is life without risk
My life was never something
No one would notice if I was gone
You just keep moving on
I wish I was inspired instead of tired
I just can't sleep
Can't seem to function as good as I used to
I haven't felt true happiness for some time
I'm starting to forget what the moonlight looks like cause I'm always in darkness
I just want to write something beautiful
But nothing ever seems to be enough
Maybe if instead of being about sadness, if I made it love
It would bring tears to the eye
Maybe instead of being about masks and pretending
If I made it about blue skies and sunshine
Maybe if I made it seem dandy it would spark emotional things
But I don't feel that way
I'd only be writing lies
Can't you see the beauty in darkness like I do?
Maybe, maybe not
Everything isn't as it seems
Golden glitter
It's sparkling
But I don't do arts and crafts
I prefer black ink

You sat on my ladder
and blew smoke into my face

Said you had the good stuff
Why don't you send some my way?

I've never cowered from the fire
I have short legs
You get burned so much that you adapted the pleague

Walking down the plank
My heads in the water
My nostrils are bleeding
You've gone blind

You run your fingers through your hair
You claim to be mines

You don't like a hot mess
So what am I?

I am your weakness
You're a peachy surprise

I knew you were the one
When you looked in my eyes

It hurts me to smile but the frown was denied
All of the tears sting when you tell your lies

I saw the green
But it wasn't the one this time

Thought that you could be
My most prized rose
Yet the garden died

Naked, with no clothes
You sat on my ladder
And blew smoke in my face

I knew you'd make the perfect lover
'Cause all your exhilarating quirks I could so easily hate

You love me
You hate me
I speak the truth
Yet lie, knowing you never knew
I am the one who pretends not to care
And laughs at the jokes that are my reality (what's really there)
They think I'm pretty
They think I'm smart
The strife in my life is they don't even know me
Read my story
Take a look
Picture book.... (a piece of art)
No photos of me
because all I see is the inside and it's ugly
I had something..... (I'm a mess)
Now it's gone
Can't help but feel like a pawn
My heart was already broken
Lost touch with my soul (I've gone numb)
Forced out smiles
Actress play pretend... (play dumb)
No pain will surface
Burry it in the earth or let the scars be cremated (I should've never been created)
All that I am
All that I'll ever be
Is spilled ink. (I'm on the pages)

I search for the things that don't exist
I went from an optimist dreamer to a skeptic pessimist
I went from being a caring activist to narcissistic and selfish
I went from being mute to everyone wishing I had a muzzle
I went from knowing what I wanted to being indecisive and puzzled
I went from going along with what they said
To questioning everything that we did
I went from sweet to cold
From honey to bitter like mold
My heart had been sold
Where was my soul going to go
I was stumbling in the dark
While others decided my fate
I went from restless to sleeping the day away
What had happened to me I don't know
At first it didn't show
No one knew
Barely anyone knows
I pretend to have a handle
A grip on my life
All this time I've been slipping
Trying to hold onto the edge of the cliff
It's just a matter of time before someone does me the way scar did to Mufasa
Put the clock back up
I can't change the past
Broken bones get put in a cast
Trying to find people to fill my gap
But the void won't leave
I search for the things that don't exist
I lost my hope
But somehow hope finds me
Pleading for me to reverse the damage
My casualties inflicted
Oppressing affliction
My heart keeps asking when I'll stop playing the victim

How does it feel to do it all again?

So lonely
I'm floating
Like the plastic bag on my head

No weight to hold you down
Face it
She's gone and the pains still around

So capable
A waste full of love

How does it feel to do it all again?

She says, "I feel nothing"
I say, "You're a liar"

Eventually you realize the relationship will expire

Maybe I was wrong?
I miss when we used to take strolls down the side walk

All those dreams of buying cars driving around in empty parking lots
Sipping morning coffee acting mindless

You are gone, and I will still live it
Just not with the face I expected
Not the face I knew when we were both children

I'm a girl of stars not hearts
I shine in the dark
Yes I explode cause I can't take the heat
If you need me to I'll repeat
I'm not romantic and yes I can be mean
So cold it burns
Guess you earned the golden heart
But the glitter was just a collage of art
And when you erase
There is nothing left
You see this black mess
It's just a void
I took my crayons and glitter and gold
And tried to decorate my heart and soul
I'm a girl of stars not hearts
Either way I'm torn apart
But I think I'm good I'll just stick to my golden art

I had a vision...
A dream our fingertips touched.

I had a twisted fantasy...
A nightmare where the spark was too much.

Fried from shock all she could muster was,
“You really, really love him, BUT”

There was where the story ends
From whence she came,
There she went

Gravity gently danced with you
Away from me
Petals vanished in the wind
All to honor your presence and utter negligence

I had a reverie
A dream our fingertips touched.

Lost in a cusp
Earth and air
It is merely dust.

For me it was once enough
Then I awoke from my slumber

Daily routine,
I count the calendar days
My sweaters cold static appalls me

I am laughing at how daunting,
Real and imaginary appear to be
Close, yet far

You are applauding
In the cryptic distance

Searching the audience
I vaguely listen to the lulls of your absence

I finally found something,
Greater than my own pain.

I don't think of you as an ex nor a friend
I don't think of you as a lover or a foe
I don't think of you as stranger but you're certainly not nothing
You are just
Someone that once meant everything

What is wrong with me
I'm brutally truthful
But I still make room for lies
Not to cover up the pain I despise
But to blend in
Because when I'm out of stories to tell
I'll stop being intriguing
And the only thing left will be the end

I wonder what'd it be like to find my own body sprawled out in the kitchen
Another tragedy that could've been prevented
If the dumb girl had just vented
But honestly no one would listen
People would think she was crazy
And no one was guaranteed to keep her secrets
Too judge mental
She didn't need this
I wonder what'd it be like knowing the last thing you said was bye
And then find my slit wrists and blood on the floor tonight
I'm trying to stay strong
I know taking my life is wrong
Trying to convince myself I have too many reasons to live
But my brain is an active pessimist
It won't assist
She just wants to insist
My heart wants me to give in
My soul is trying to escape
She said that she wouldn't leave but it's too messy to stay
She needs to be cleansed
She is covered in dirt from being locked in the bin
Contemplating ending my own life
I hate pain but that'll end all
Watch my own body fall
Red rivers flow from my wrists
I wonder what'd it be like to find my own body sprawled out in the kitchen
Yet another tragedy that could've been prevented
But I don't want to talk
And they don't care enough to listen

There's nothing in me,
but emotion and thought
In a field of sunflowers
I am a lily, that's lost.

Screaming, "save me!"
Trust me I know the cost
"Pick me!"

Let me writher and rot
Please do not leave me in gloom
I will not bloom next summer,
And I blame you.

I need to die to be alright
Help me rise again,
Hold me in your hands

You say, "I will be your friend"
Then you leave me in the dark
Bring sunflowers to the eulogy
You told me I was not them, but a lily

I do not have eyes, yet I know I am art
I want to glitter with the stars
I know you are the one who tore me apart

Stuck my fragments inside of a jar
Set me on fire
My inclination is gone

See me,
in the sky, and not in the mirror

See me,
in the pasture, and not in your tears

See me,
on the ground, and not as your fears

Do not dream of me, but remember me for years

I remember a dream I had that stayed with me
I never knew what it meant
Although it put me at unease
It was a sunny day and I was awake and smiling
It was all normal until the bed I slept on came to life
It set up a table and poured some tea
With both sipped and ate small sandwhiches while chatting
All of a sudden it got angry
In the end it ate me
I awoke, and what seemed insignificant was a nightmare to me
After 10 years of wondering
I've finally came to my conclusion
I can be happy
But that won't stop the world from trying to devour my smile
And I'd never see it coming
Because the person to carry the mischief through
Would be the one I got comfortable with
And depended on
But it'd be my fault because I was the one who made the bed
The thoughts would eat me away
All they did was set the table and cut the bread
Never knew until the day
Where all the cards fell in place

My heart is a calamity containing calidity
I condone my situation because of what I view as justification... validity

I commence in feeding an ego that soon will be too immense for my own body

To lobby for draining more of who I was to satisfy a condition that should cease in existence...
(Who I am)
Has no point.

It's chronic to my health and as I continue to comment
I wish a cosmic allotment would hit me

I close my eyes and fade
Hoping to capture my reveries, but instead
I capitulate to the reality bleeding through my eyes

My insides dwell under a crimson sunset sky
How can the sun dare to shine on a place frozen over?
Ineffable and sublime

I attempt to open my eyes
Stopped by my bride, clinomania
She lies next to me in bed
I'd try to get out, but the only thing left is my head

Even then the dessert sand interior never fails to blow right through my hands
Binding my bones
Paralyzing my stance

I might be on Mars
That was never the plan

Yet, here I stand
Tongue in hand
Heart full of blood

Why is nothing ever enough?

I'm too empty to write
Why do I still try?
Dead inside
Staying up till 5 am

Repeat:
Work, eat, sleep
I'm losing me

I'm so tired of living
Seems I'm running on empty
And there's nothing left for me
Not even my distractions are enough

I'm so devoid of feeling
What am I even trying to say
Help me?

I lay in darkness wanting to die
Saying I tried
Yeah... right..

Hang me from a tree
You tell me
What are you reading?

Probably just another sad person
Throw me in a satistic
Just a bunch of numbers on the screen

The government is *******
And if you feel like me
You are too

You always leave when I need you the most
I fear that I'm just looking in the mirror
I wish I could say I loved myself
But how can I love someone I barely know
I'm here but I'm not
I hear but I'm not listening
I repeat but I'm not getting it
I explained the truth but tried my best to avoid reality
The sugarcoat on life is dreams
So when I stopped having them I felt dead to the world
A girl who closes her eyes and sees nothing but the darkness of another night
You always leave when I need you the most
I fear that I'm just looking into a mirror
Everything is so unclear
The person I once knew is nothing more than a blur
She disappeared
I'm a mere ghost
The one time I don't remember and it hurts

Justice was her name
Just because you follow the law does not make you sane
Asylums were built
The tea burned her
Instead of soothing
Sunshine for a name
Maybe to cover their guilt
Imagine begging for the screaming to stop
When your the one yelling loud enough to be heard on the rooftop
Her brain was the frying pan
Her soul in flames
She was a dangerous thing
Always angry never letting go
Revenge was her dinner plate
Evilness her pride
Yet like a flower was her soft side
Always being picked
Crucifix
She just wanted to die
Demons were the darkness in her eye
A flower plucked and left to die
I tried to save her
I really did
A home for a foster kid
I gave her dirt, water and a ***
Not enough sunshine
My efforts were in vain
I couldn't help her and remain sane
I'm so scared to leave
Her dead spirit haunts me
The sun hides behind the clouds
Aren't I lucky?

It's happening again
And all I can do is fall in
Don't try to catch me you'll slip

Because my dreams are a void
and the floor drips
Drips of shot down hopes and slit wrist

Of all the lost friends and abusive
Of all the secrets I tie at dawn
Of everything I bottle inside and seal away
Of everything I've ever told anyone
Of prized lies and the brutal truth
Of what I thought was love

Dripping with all the people I knew
My neck in a rope
The smoke fills my nose
But is it worth it

This feeling doesn't last forever
Neither does the pain
but my reality says
I'll just keep battling in vain

Will I float or become one with the ocean floor
I don't know anymore

Will I tick or cave in
Or, will I just become another memory
dripping from your faucet

Blood sucker
Take my life
If I die
Will you be my ride
The ticket to lie down before the tide
Will you be my umbrella to hide from pain
Will you be my sunshine on cloudy days
Will you attend my funeral after I pass away
Blood sucker
Take my life
You were nothing more than a parasite
But you were mine
This caused me to give things a blind eye
You were nothing more than a parasite
But you were mines
That seemed to be enough to live life

You come with the roast
Your big ego
I bring my pain
All my imperfections
Laid out on the table
There is no where else to hide
Forced into submission
Open your eyes
She says the roaches have finally come out
I say what do you mean
She points to the guys out on the street
Guy on the corner
Looking like trash
That's too bad I think in my head
She says that he is a roach
I said no, he is a human like you and me
Just because he isn't your definition of civilized,
doesn't mean a thing
You may have approached him at a time
And yes I don't know him
But I'm not blind
A broken soul knows those in the same boat
The window in their eyes
The spark that doesn't shine
She calls him a roach
I say don't
You may not know what it's like to live out of bags and not know when your next meal will be
Living off the streets
Bullets and sirens all over petty beef
Arrested by the police
For stealing the necessities of the day
Manipulated by the world to think all you need to be happy is money, drugs and hoes
You say you don't give because he'll just use it to smoke
But how can you look down upon them all when you really don't know
I was once like a roach
So please don't call them by that name
It's a shame
So easy to point fingers and pin blame
It's hard being a roach
You're just trying to crawl and they want you crushed
So you come out when it's dark
Hiding from all the scars and marks
Accepting rejection on a daily
Begging for money and clothes
Cused out for trying
Denying that you were ever that low
How do you know
You come with your roast
Your big ego
I bring my pain
All my imperfections
Laid out on the table
I remember when I was a roach
You approach me and have a conversation
He gets cut off though

I  feel what I feel and it's overwhelming,
I don't think I can take my emotions
Why are they so strong when I'm so weak,
And why does everything I touch break
Simply because it's me

I can't take back something I couldn't do
And what I couldn't do 
Was tell the truth 
I was just protecting you
And I know your pressed because of my complicated ways
I still think about you everyday
And everyone thinks I'm over it 
But I still feel the same
Some things just aren't meant to be 
I feel that's how it is with you and me
And it hurts me to know that you wouldn't tell me the truth 
Because I never lied to you
My lies protected your life
But all your eyes saw was someone hiding the truth 
Something you so easily do 
And maybe I was wrong 
But I'd rather be a liar and not jeopardize your life
Although you ruined mines
Than to stay up every night with the brutal truth of knowing you lost your life
Because I couldn't tell a lie
All I did was protect you
I won't regret it
Even if it did hurt you
Which I never meant to do
I couldn't tell the truth
No what I mean to say
Is I chose not to

My life had dissolved to meaningless
Trust issues don't ever end
Cautions
Every word is a lie
They were trying to find the truth I hide
A life with no thrills
Mysterious chills
My skin is cold
So skinny
I can see my own bones
All life was drained
A skeleton's pain
And nothing was working enough to take it away
So I wrote it down
The reason I like poetry so much now
It was the one way to tell the truth
And find out who felt the same as you
Whenever I'm blue
I grab paper and pencil
My barren slate
Vacant at the start
Filled with words before it gets dark
Poetry saved my life
The one way to vent
That I felt comfortable with

Would you protect me if you could?
Would you answer if I called?
Would I never have to leave a voicemail message?
Could I get past depression?
Would you catch me from a building top
If I was to fall
Or would you be like my mom
Stand there and watch it all?

My soul seeps through the floor boards
I pray to the lord he'll take me with a flaming sword

The chords have wrapped around my wrist and feet
My fingers bleed like mold dripping from my missing ceiling

There's not a scream left in me
Not a voice
You drown it out when you create voids
Digging past my surface planting hurtful words and poisoning purity

I took all the mirrors down
They reflect the mildew of grief
Anguish supreme
Reign of anger and hate

I mourn for what was torn out of me
I cannot write what is intangible
Unforeseen
I just want to forget what's happening

Which is why I'm done writing

I can't speak so I can't use words to truly express anything
The chords around my wrist and feet are on my throat in my mouth

Weep
Vocal chords vibrating from the shaking of cold rigid fear

Fear I find when I awake mid-night crying out for
No one and nothing... nowhere.

I'm scared to love again
After what happened with me and him
What if the next boy is just the same
Oh how I feel my heart flip for him already and it shouldn't
There is no doubt in my mind that I'm not good at relationships
I'm not made for it
I'm too socially awkward
Give me an oscar
An award
I'm scarred for life
And I was barely in a war

Two white dots
What gives?
Why are you writing this?
That is you and this is me
What do you mean?
We're exactly the same
2 of a kind
1 is such a lonely number
And you're lonely all the time
The thing about dots is that they can be erased
You won't stay
Maybe I will maybe I won't
If I don't will you give in ?
Probably not because I'd never give in
I'll probably never love again
Why is this ?
My heart is not mines to give  
Whose possession is it left with ?
His
He abandoned it!
Some place it's hiding where I can't reach
But love is the thing you seek?
No, I just don't want to be lonely
You don't have to be
Two white dots
What gives?
Why are you writing this?
This is you and me
What do you mean?
We're exactly the same
Nothing?
But an empty blank space
Ran off and concealed
You could build
But instead you ****
You **** with your looks and your mean words
You're not the only person who hurts
You're not the only one without closure
But if you look deep within
You don't need to find it through him
Your heart is still inside you
It's sitting, waiting and ready to be unbruised
You've just been stuck in this ruse
That reconciling with him is what you need to do

She is content with what she has but I always want more
I'm not myself
The poor are in need of necessities that will finally be enough
Dreams of being the next big thing
Fill my cup
Asking for more and more
But with wealth comes greed
These are the warnings we don't heed when asking for what we wanted

I think I hate myself because I unintentionally hurt everyone else
Who dealt me these cards
Wish they knew how I felt

I lie when I do not need to
My head hurts when I tell the demons to exit

I do not want to be alone,
Ignoring my fears feels reckless
My body feels neglected

None of it changes
You think my heart would be racing
Its dropping its pace and
I have no clue where im headed

It does not seem right
I dont take it lightly
My life won't end brightly
I've been up nightly
With my thoughts

I am choking
They fight me
Then I shut off
My batteries empty

I stopped feeling like a person
When I became all burnt out
Said I would not fade
But the screams have gone

I was all wrong
I knew I was lying
I could not help it

I seem to be dwelling in shame
I want to leave everything I care for
Its too much to stay

I should go away
The people in my head are fighting
While im all cuddled up by the fears that bite me

As I'm sleeping through the night
I'll forget all my dreams
But I can't forget the nightmares of my reality
The eloquence of this frequent pet peeve that's bothering me
You and your fancy words
Your knowledge makes me think
How long before everything goes to my head and it's too foggy to see
How far am I willing to sink
And this water I drink
It will never fill my glass
Cause as the hours pass I get less and less
The emptiness grows
And sand falls from my bones
I'm bound to be overthrown and it's fore-taken
By the demons I'm shaken
This thing that I'm trying to make always falls apart
and each time
It snatches away a spot of hope
That was too dehydrated to ever grow

Protect me from what's haunting me
These shivers,
Use your glitter and make me sparkle again
I don't wanna be different
Cause if we are all different we're the same
You're stuck in your ways, hurting me
So I ask for protection over my heart
As thoughts float through the dark
I mope at the boat that never sailed
And as I exhale you reply
But I've had it with your ways
As I close the door of all care
Your face appears there and I think
I could never really leave such a good thing
Even if it will be the end of me at least you'll know
I'll stay safe in the Icelandic snow

I was hoping time could heal my wounds
I thought asking for help would mend my pain
But impaired people like me push others away
Silence benefits the oppressors not the victims
Just like money is a rich man's love and a poor man's wishes
I was hoping time could heal my wounds
But I'm still the same
Seek a different way
They saw me as desperate but to be honest
We all have something we would drop everything for
Only my choices could even the score
And the thing I lacked
That I was desperate for
Could fix the core
Of every source
That has ever left me torn

I was hoping time could heal my wounds
I thought asking for help would mend my pain
But impaired people like me push others away
Silence benefits the oppressors not the victims
Just like money is a rich man's love and a poor man's wishes
I was hoping time could heal my wounds
But I'm still the same
Seek a different way
They saw me as desperate but to be honest
We all have something we would drop everything for
Only my choices could even the score
And the thing I lacked
That I was desperate for
Could fix the core
Of every source
That has ever left me torn

When the sun doesn't shine
And the rain won't oblige
And I've wasted my time

Feeling I've made a mistake
My heart can no longer take life

When my soul can't catch up to me anymore
And when I crash

When I dash past the warnings
And end up hurt

Where will you be?

You're disappearing
How can you expect me to call you a friend of mines
When you just turn a blind eye to all the troubles in my life

You reappear when the sky is clear
Yes you are loud
But your actions resound

Contradicting every word that comes out your mouth

Holding the silver knife
You had yours and I mines
Shiny as dimes
My eyes fooled me
And as your anger poured out
All I could think was about the twinkling lights
All those times I'd suffered but been determined
Even if I had
To sacrifice me I'd help you
Cause what else could my life mean
Not like I found any quality in me
And then I realized every single thing I wrote
The way you looked at me
How I spoke
You were just repeatedly stabbing me and I had my hand on the knife

Her radiance was limitless
Undefined
Then she met a luminous thing
She met something just as bright
But even brightness can be put in a dark place
She made shadows on the walls
And when it was dark she would bring peace to them all
There was a flame inside her glowing
Optimistic and happy
But she didn't know a thing
Learning the hard way
The sun burned off her face
And all that was built
Was kilt in a yoctosecond of time

"I'm fine"

I'm a liar
I'm spectacular
If given the chance,
I'll unearth all your dirt
And show you the golden soul

You lost all those times life took you by its hold,
But death cut off your oxygen
Forcing you to let go.


"I'm alright"

I'm a mood swing waiting to happen
'Cause inside buildings are always collaspsing
I abandoned the cities in my mind
Just so I,
could spend some time
Being everything you needed me to be

Here's the only thing,
I'm destroying me

Driving your knife a little farther so you could paint
My crimson blood on the wooden floor
I dont want something pretty to look at anymore.

I'm locked in a cage

Your brush against my dark caramel skin
An artist with a butchers skill
Its my fault for chasing a thrill

I feel the rage of investing my time
Into what felt so good being flipped and dipped in the acid
Falling through my eyes
Called tears.

I covered my face because of my fears
I don't want you to see my face
Vulnerability caused by surfaced pain

Make it all go away
You said "its okay"

"I'm okay"

But I am not okay this time.