I miss

Who I was
Before you

Before us

Before I grew
Into this
Emotionless emotional
Being
Human they say

I wan none of this
A black heart
A soul
That screams!

From within
I writhe and thrash
But I cannot

I need a light
A door or window
To crash threw

Someone open up
Let me in
I want to burn again

Not die
This black husk
Of what is left

Set me on fire
Let me burn

I want to go back
To us
To myself

But you,
Gone now
Seen me with others and
Well moved on

I'll wonder threw people
Trying to replace
You
Me
Us

I listened
to the stars in spring hesitantly
then confidently
when I realised
that its melding tones  were imbued no longer
by hues of grey.

Memory fades
and the aches that once seared so familiar
are now but the entrails
of a year that has sailed steadily away.

You tumble your gentle words
into the well of my inarticulate silence
Beckoning excitedly to me to come, come
And the ghosts, they don’t quite know what to do
In the presence of joy as lovely as your’s

You remember the best of me
When i barely understand the worst
And amidst the madding throngs
quietly retell those stories of old
In the most familiar of voices
Until they seep into my skin and well my eyes
with long streams of relief

For all my exquisite words I still cannot articulate
How home draws incomprehensibly closer
When you simply let me be
the girl I thought I forgot

A child whose heart was chiseled away
Piece by piece
Cracked
Broken
Shattered into uncountable pieces
Over time those pieces were lost
Dropped along the path
Discarded
Hidden
Buried
Like an ancient evil artifact
That only brought pain to the owner
But the child was an optimist
He held on to a splinter
An ember
That was fueled by the kindness of strangers
The lady who helped him fold his laundry at the laundro-matt
A teacher here and there that saw potential in him
Parents of his friends that showed him kindness
Friends that were made and lost all too quickly
Over the years this broken child
Became a broken man
A man who saw love plus feelings
Equaled pain squared
So he denied his feelings
He hide from love
Denied love
Wore a mask that disguised the pain
Even in the darkest reaches of his self-imposed isolation
He still had hope
Still dreamed of love
Dreamed of being wanted
There came a day
When he looked to the future
And saw he needed to choose his path
Bitter lonely old man
Or
So he began the journey
Like a knight on a holy quest
He scoured the lands of his psyche
Searching for the pieces of his heart
Hidden in his writings
Were the secrets to be decoded
Here and there
Buried under layers of callouses
He dug them out
With tearful memories
He recovered little parts
Began putting them together
Like a puzzle
Without boundaries
All one color
He put it back together
As best he could
Along the way
He had to drop the baggage
Of hate
And anger
They were too much to carry
Too much to bear
Twenty years later
He still has to fight
The demons of his past
Has to be aware
How easily he can slip
Flip the switch to cold indifference
The price he has paid
Is the cost of living
Live to love
Or die inside
We cannot control what happens
We can only choose what we do about it
Choose wisely

I was never yours to keep darling,
And yet you're surprised
That I've left

You showed me the door,
Oh and it's unlocked
I'll take this one then.