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I hold this jar of fireflies
Under the moon
Stars
And wind
They float inside and wait
Sweeping across dewey grass
I count them
One by one
On and off they flicker, see?
Twilight I set them free
Don't they look so lovely?
 Apr 2015 kaylan joseph
Shylah S
-
 Apr 2015 kaylan joseph
Shylah S
-
Are you like this to everyone?
Or am I special?

I've got too many questions
too afraid to ask.
How do you react
When there's cops at your door
Because your mother has called them
And it's the *last thing
you think she'll do

How do you react
When the house is full of screaming
And your baby brother crying
He doesn't understand
He doesn't even know how to talk yet

How do you react
When anything you do isn't enough
Yet you try with all your power
With all your heart and will
It just seems lost for nothing

How do you react
When you feel a whip burn in your leg
Or your head smashed into the wall
When you're bleeding and broken
And alone

When you did nothing wrong

How do you react
As a child around drunks at a party
Who should be in bed
Was almost laid in bed
By a man who smelt of liquor

How do you react
When everyone is laughing
Not with you but at you
At the way you look
At the way you talk

How do you react
When your arms and legs are full of scars
And you've bled out everything but these things
And when people ask
You're too ashamed to admit it

How do you react
When all the pain you have went numb
When the pills take it's toll
And you've gone numb

How do you react
When the one closest to you dies
And you didn't say goodbye
And the world feels lost without them


How do you react
When salt water leaks from your eyes
You don't know why
And you can't say why
Because all you do is choke on your own words
Every night

It's numbing

And that's all it is
Because all of it has chipped away
Everything is numb
My reaction went numb
I've felt
Anger
And sadness
And loss
And helplessness


I've felt

Nothing

*But it's okay, you see
There are people that care
There are people to love
People that love you
Sometimes it's not their time in your life
Those people come and go
I've felt *happiness

Even though I'm scared
Even though I don't know how to react
Even though I'm insecure
Even though I know I don't know everything
It's all a process

I am stronger
I am capable of being loved and giving love
I am open to life
I am open to it's struggles
I will be brave
I will be selfless
I will be kind

I am me

So let me ask you this,

*How do you react?
I can't breathe
I can't talk
I can barely ask someone anything

...Just lost in thought...

Trying to say one word
All they hear is me choking
Holding back one word
Why am I doing this to myself?

They look confused now
And crowd me to ask what's wrong
...
I choke on one word
I can't say anything
No matter how hard I try...

"This is not a way to live, this is a way to die"

And how would I die?...
All the words *unspoken

Words I don't know how to say
Words I'm afraid of and long to say
...
all at the same time
It makes me go mad
I don't think I'll ever be sane

...
How does one do this to their self?
But all I know, is that you can't choose
You don't do this to yourself
Not on purpose anyways...

It happens on it's own...

Where you choke on one word
Your heart beats so fast it hurts
It feels like you'd explode
Salt water leaking from your eyes
Your brain just overflows.....
Gasping for air
As you shake uncontrollably...
And lie there and *wait



.....It's so hard to say one word
All you hear is a squeak
Me choking on one word
Like strangling myself till I  have no more...


I am at war with myself

And both sides are losing...
Take care* of this child
She is useless
She is hopeless
She is worthless
She is mindless
There are no manners in her
There's nothing in her
Worthless

Of course there is nothing in her
You took everything from her
She's done all of these things
Invisible in your sight

Someone please take care of this child
There is nothing more she can *give
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