My world is filled with strangers.
People without last names.
Intense closeness and then nothing.
Passing through without a trace.
I don't mind but it all feels paper thin.
I want something solid to stand on.

Never owe anyone money ever, borrow nothing, take no favours.

Do not expect unconditional love from anything but a dog, no one will love you unconditionally. Life isn't a fairy tale.

Even your oldest friends will disappear when you need them most.

You love your family but that doesn't mean you should trust them.

Do not trust people.

Take at least one self defence class, people will hurt you, people will want your skin enough to crawl inside and take it from you.

Give favours you can afford to give without getting something back.

Expect nothing from others.

Take care of yourself, no matter what's happening try to take care of yourself.

Do not share your feelings while they are most intense.

Hate less, please please hate less.

Cut off any malignant people in your life.

Live with detachment, let nothing touch you.

Only tell people you love them if it doesn't matter when they don't say it back.

Do not expect people to care for you or comfort you, if it happens on its own savour every last second.

family
they are here
there is a hope that hangs in the air
will he show
will he remember my face
this man of empty promises
this man so worn down
this man so beaten down
this man who says "Katie, my Katie I remember when you were this small"
this man is my grandfather
this man I have not seen in six years
this man with skin like leather
this man with sunken eyes
this man with scars on his hands and in his mind

I want to kiss you
I want to breathe you in
I want to **** you far down into my lungs and absorb you like smoke
I want to exhale you like a sigh

I wake up in his arms
I barely remember his name
But he’s one of the sweetest I’ve ever been with
When I go to wake him he pulls me close and asks for ten more minutes
I love the way he touches me
The soft trailing of his fingers on my spine
His whisper of a kiss on my shoulder
Such intimate affection between us
I’ve only known him for a few hours
And I don’t know if I’ll see him again
But for now I’ll just breathe this moment in and soak up these gentle kisses

I want to touch my feelings.
I want to reach down my throat to pluck away at my vocal cords and play a most destructive tune.
I want to rip my skull open and sift through the gritty things that live there, pull them out and drape myself in those raw thoughts and half ideas.
I want to carve a fantasy from my flesh in a beautiful juxtaposition of depravity and innocence.
I want to devour every inch of skin, get lost in that tangled ecstasy, that increase of breath and the rolling back of eyes at the power of my finger tips.
I want to spiral into the most elegant chaos, out of control and completely at home.
I’m craving excess on all levels.
All frequencies requiring more.
I am Gluttony and there is not a thing in this world that I cannot consume.

Anne came and  left  but I remember  the sweet  cider and the wood stove, the smell of her paints. She sings songs from Chicago, and brings to life the northern lights on the canvas, the wolves, the scenes. Her songs, the guitar she plays. She croons about damaged men and neglected love. Country and blues, telling me about the costume she has for her next bar song night, her singing partner will be a Patsy Cline look alike. Anne makes Saskatoon jam, tucks me in on the couch, and tells me stories.
We walk along the trails on the acridge, Anne tells me about plants we see, like the pea vine. She encourages me to climb the tallest trees. She hears me sing and sees promise, talent, a dream waiting to happen. She gets me into theater, one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.
She brings me flowers to my shows and I always find her in the big crowds.
I remember the painting, the beautiful field with billowing clouds lazily crossing the sky in the wind. It was in the apartment that she shared with her boyfriend. He had an awful temper and it took more than it should have for Anne to finally leave him.
She stayed with us for a while, a few lovely months before leaving.
It was a few years after she disappeared before I found the demo CD of Anne singing her country and blues. Sometime I just sit and play it on repeat, its a treasure, a gateway to all those memories.
Memories of a proud and beautiful woman who helped shift my life in the direction of art and creation. A woman who was there when I was an infant and when I was a child.
I love Anne and the memories she left in her wake. Anne came and left but I remember everything.

I treasure those eyes the best, so lovely each night. Long lashes fluttering with your trademarked twisted elegance. I trace your skinny hips and kiss your scarlet  lips, we lay  close and and whisper across the quiet divide. I sit  inhaling smoke and exhaling pretty words that roll off the tip of my tongue, sliding down the floor boards. Drinking, spinning in sickly sweet light. I can tell  them, always trusting the people I meet, dancing to the sweet spot. Wicked am I, missing the saunter of those long lovely  legs. Trapped a loop of taunting, teasing laughter. We all talk crazy, tangled and comfortable in each others hair, this is the closest to perfection I've ever been.

What if I told you I found the sweet spot, the perfect combination of want, desire and satisfaction, the perfect balance of risk and thrill, the best adrenaline rush.
I'll share it with you.
Are you ready?
Can you enjoy the dark and lovely, that beautiful spinning moment, the freedom?
It's mine, it can be yours too, breathe it in, **** it down, devour every taste and color, savor it, it won't last forever. Revel in it, drown in it, wicked laughter and twisted minds, wannabe gangsters and the real thing. A sea of crazy and delight
Who are you?
What are you?
I'll show you the art of spinning out of control. Time to unwind and unravel.
This is my dream, my wild unbound satisfaction.
The writing on your face.
The drugs.
The *****.
The crazy.
The dangerous.
Its all mine, and I soak it up relentlessly.

I sit here in the glowing warmth, the fire pushes back the cold night and I pick bits of the forest from my hair. Tonight I took more effort to hide the flames from view, it was the way he watched me. Unsettling and uncomfortable. Piercing. I left bits of burning birch to to ward off the obvious gaze with distraction. First night I've been afraid out here. The fire offers comfort but only against animals.
The unwanted man is another matter entirely.

Cigarettes and sweet alcohol
That's what you taste like
It's cold here but you're warm
Your mouth
Your hands
All over my skin
This moment
This roughness
This sweet sensation
This illusion
I hope we meet again

Face pressed to the pavement
Inhale
Exhale
“Is she alright””
“What is she on?”
I close my eyes and listen as a laugh bubbles out of my mouth
Smoke drifts by on lazy wind
Pass the bottle round the circle
The sun casts long silhouettes as the day struggles to end
Peace
He throws me over his shoulder and we swim in laughter and carelessness
He’s so skinny
We all pile into a heap of bodies in the grass
Tangled up in drug addled murmurings
Here with my life
Here with my dreams
Wrap me up in this chemical safety
This is where I live
In this place of poisoned innocence
This breathtaking recklessness
This is where I found hope
This is where my heart lies
This is where my life after death continues
Don’t let this moment end

I might be pregnant
The test is in my purse
I'm not scared
Just sorry for the baby that might be
Sorry for being stupid
Sorry for trusting that I would not be the 0.01% that gets pregnant on the pill
Sorry that I have to lie to him
He will not be a father
He is not ready
He will want me to get rid of the unexpected life

If you're there baby
I'll have you
I'll give you the best chance I can
I'll protect you no matter what
I've planned for this
I've planned for an unexpected life
I will find you a family
A family that wants a new life more than anything
I'll visit you all the time
I'll love you more than I can explain
I'll do the best I can for you baby

Just know baby that no matter what
You were always loved
You were always cared for
You were always wanted
You could be my unexpected gift
Baby
If you're there
I love you

Rippling up with a chill and a distorted craving for warmth. The sigh escapes and swims for the atmosphere before it dies in our sea of forgetfulness.

Flickering to the right, slanting downward is a cry that begs for return or release, a desperate yearning for home. A home that torched itself with its poisonous tongue far too long ago. The cry sifts through the ashes and charred bits of hope finding nothing but loss.

I like being a tangled mess of arms and legs
All wrapped up
Interlocking pieces
Comfortable and close
I know you want more than I can give
I know you want my trust
Do you know that I'm a liar
Do you know that there are times that I will hate every time you touch me
Do you know that I will want to be alone
Do you know that I will resent you
Don't push what this is
Don't push for more than I can give
Just lay with me when I'm close
And let me be when I'm far
I don't love you
I don't want to
I don't need to
Don't expect me to change

I have the power
I hold the key
The scales are tipped in my favour
Just like I knew they would be
I like that your heart beats in my hand
I like that I could hurt you on a whim
It's twisted
But I've always been this wicked
I can be the air that keeps you alive
I can be the poison that breaks you down
You'll know when I decide

Drinking and inhaling
Looking for a wild distraction
Finding nothing but that hollow room
It’s cold and brutal
With no doors
No windows
A dim light hangs above
Swinging slightly
In time with the pulsing
The pulsing of above and bellow
I pulse too
In this dim light
This shaking oblivion that resides within
I will burn this place
I will burn this ruin to the ground  
And I will burn with it
Inhaling the flames of my prison
Inhaling the flames deep into my lungs
I will not exist in misery
I will burn
Burn with the fire of life
And as I am reduced to embers and ashes
I will scream
**“I am here!”
“I am here and I am alive!”

My grandfather was there
We were sat down at the kitchen table
He was telling my about my hands
Said that I had writers hands
Artists hands
Painters hands
Hands like Anne 
My grandfather was drinking 
He was always drinking
Anne was pacing around 
Angry at him
Angry at him for being drunk
Again
Angry at him for being an alcoholic 

My brother and grandfather in my room
We listen to music
My brother asks my grandfather why he's not with Anne anymore 
I don't remember the reply
I remember him saying that he still loved Anne 

The door bell rings 
Its late 
I'm supposed to be asleep 
Grandfather at the door
Im watching from the stairs 
He's talking to my father
Says he needs money quick
Asks for three hundred 
My father gives it to him no questions 
My grandfather leaves 

It's Christmas 
Grandfather shows up to everyone's surprise 
He's there with no presents 
I was just glad he was there
He told me he had a necklace for me
He just had to pick it up from a friend 
I knew better though
He fell asleep on the couch 
Im glad he was there 

Its bobbys funeral
My grandfather is there
He's unhappy 
He's tired 
I don't remember much of him that day

Im at the swimming pool with my friends 
Waiting for my dad to pick us up
My grandfather is there
I haven't seen him in a while
He's so skinny
I know he's still using
He doesnt recognize me

Family dinner 
Dinner is served late
As always 
Grandfather is there 
He's showing my friend some dance steps he learned
Mentions his new lady friend 
He seems happy

My family moves half way across the country 
Leaving Edmonton behind
The next time I hear news about my grandfather its from my father
He saw my grandfather at my great grandmothers funeral 
He's still using and it shows
He's skinny
He's lost teeth
He's sick 

But I'll always remember the time in the kitchen 
I'll always remember when he told me I had writers hands
Artists hands
Painters hands
Like Anne

Photo shoot
These pictures will be different
Than the ones I've taken of myself
These ones aren't for men who disappear
These ones won't make me feel cheap

These ones won't require me to strip away my pride
These ones I can be proud of

Smooth A Scarlet
Messy hair
Pale skin
Red lips
Tights
Heels

Like slipping into a new skin
I'll be remade
Be given a new name
A different story

Who am I?
Anything you want me to be
Today I am Scarlet
Today I am new

I can hear it
Calling for understanding
On my skin and in my bones
It pollutes my veins
Craves an escape hatch
Pounds at my rib cage
Paces behind my eyes
Screams to be let free
It doesn't know that there is a lock
And I don't have the key

Shaking hands
My stomach and heart have switched place
My lungs have left home
The wall is down
I’m rebuilding it in time for tomorrow
Re-establishing apathy
If I had something that made feeling easier
I’d use it

He's too old for me
Ten years too old

I'll make him want to be mine
I'll make him need to be mine

He'll take me to his place again
He'll share a pieces of his life

I'll drop crumbs of mine
He'll gobble them up

I'll let him
Let him take parts of me
Let him see me for what I am

Let him touch my scars
Let his fingertips trace those raised lines

He's too old for me
Ten years too old
He's going to love me
I'm going to let him

Count them
There are more all the time
Adding up
I find them everywhere
And its vindication
If I just meet more
If I just make more want me
If I just make more need me
Then I'll feel good
Then I'll feel less empty
I toy with them all at once
I need more
Not enough
Not enough

oh I know you, I've seen what you can be
I love them
The drinker, the dealer, the liar, the drunk, the smoker, the fighter, the dreamer, the disenchanted, the lost, the chained, the hated, the loathing, the trapped, the fearful, the coward, the talker, the silent, the crooked, the deceiver, the crippled, the troubled, the twisted, the trembling, the abusive, the cold, the cruel, the painful
I love them I love them I love them

Trembling
For your hurt
For my wound
For my dull edged knife
For the pity
For the blame
For the way your heart tears itself to pieces on that jagged blade

I said goodbye
I cut out the ones who did not belong
It feels like I cut out my lungs
I'm cold
I'm empty

I will fill the space
With new ones
The one too old
The one too dangerous
The one too far gone
The one too intense
The one too trusting
Five to fill the loss of two

Five to fill the space

Five to seal the wound

Five I will have to break

Suffocation is the only word to describe this feeling
It's heavy in my heart
It's filling up my lungs
It's your lead hand on my throat
It's the words clogging my windpipe
It's the betrayal that holds me under
This is the purest form of suffocation

That side of me
Its ugly and disgraceful
Manipulative and jealous
Insecure and angry
Fragile and sharp
To bury this side
To smother it
To cut it into pieces would be a breath of fresh air

My heart has control of my tongue
And the poet has heard me speak
Trespassing with his words of silver
And a lock on his heart
He waltzes onto the stage again
Wearing his drunken emotions like a robe
Dripping with resentment
I am like all the others
Another stepping stone
Or a cliff to jump off of
Another reason to drown
Barb wire crowns
An electric throne