I see less and less of you each day
At least that's what you told me last time you weighed
I notice your scapula prickling through a shirt
I can't tell you otherwise even if it does hurt

Because telling you I'm suffering would make you feel less
I can't completely understand, it's only my guess
That your smile is a disguise, it's your precious defense
If I could only sneak into your mind and teach you some sense

But no word I could utter would be new or unique
All I can do is sit here and wipe tears from your cheek
Just hug you tight in our tilt-a-world ride
Because everyone needs a friend by their side

I'm scared you won't change, you can't bring yourself to
I can see the way it's ripped apart and mortified you
Your body is scarily shrinking, striking and dissipating
And all I can do to help change is sit here waiting

They say that life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death
But you seem to live it, grasp its size and its breadth
I wish you could see your worth in another's eyes
It's your humor, your vibrance, but never your size

It sounds so silly to be crying over this piece of something
But this piece of something was our everything
You choked back tears and told me there will always be the memories
But I looked around inside our place and was filled with nostalgia
"This is the last time I'll be in here," I thought
The thought made my eyes well up with tears, and I started to blink rapidly
No one could possibly understand how much it means
That rusted piece of metal that we drove around in was where it all started
Where we started

It all started in track, where the throwers hung out in your van
Awaiting practice, just killing time together, listening to music
It was a home, our haven, in some silly way, just for a little while
It was the **** of all the jokes, not some Porsche by any means
But there was something about it's feel that made it unique

After track, it was post prom, that I was there with you
Falling asleep at five in the morning, listening to the radio
With your hand on my knee, something just felt right
When we got back to my house, I thought you tried to kiss me, but I hugged you instead because I wasn't ready
You drove away listening to the song "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake
And you still tells me that you knew it was a sign

As the school days wearied down, we grew together
Longer days, shorter nights, and warmer weather
We started to see each other more and more
You always wanted to drive me home, pick me up
Just to spend more time together
You lived for that in-between time in the car
Driving around with you just always felt right

At graduation he was there too, we named him, you see
JFE for his license plate, but we pronounce it Jeffie
I watched you walk across the stand, receiving your diploma
And after we walked back to him, because you had something for me
Which wasn't how I thought graduation worked
But nonetheless you asked me to go get a toolbox from him trunk
To help you with some nameless task
So I opened it, expecting a wrench, but I was met with wrapping paper instead
In it was a card saying that you knew that I was hurt, but you were trying your best to show that your feelings were honest
And in the box were webcams to help us make it through the upcoming summer apart

He was there those first two weeks of summer
I bet we totaled a thousand miles
Going back and forth from place to place
Just spending all the time we could before you had to go
Those beautiful weeks, the best of my life
We stayed out until two a.m.  in my front yard, just talking in the front seats
I always came inside expecting a lecture on the time of night and the worries my mother had
But, I really didn't care
I spent every single day with you before you left
I wanted to make the most of a bad situation
Because it was planned before we happened

He was there that day you told me of your love
Like it was something that had to be said, it was already seen
You confessed you would miss me because of your feelings
That encompassed your life
It took me two weeks to return it
Not out of lack of it, but because I wanted to be absolutely positive it was love
Now, there is no doubt, but then I was a little shook up
And when I said it, we were standing right next to him
His chipped maroon exterior, with power windows that seldom rolled up, and his creaky sliding doors
I have since said those three words a million times in his vicinity

He was there when he left, after the beautiful time
We were so unhappy to be separating, it was unbearable
But he always brought you straight back home to me
I would look out for him everywhere I went in case you were back in town again
Waiting for the rumble of his engine from the bottom of the hill
Then I knew you were home again


Since you have come home to stay, he has been there for all of our countless days
For all the good and bad ones together
He has seen us shine and diminish, but he has always been the place
If we needed to talk, you would just turn the key off and park somewhere to resolve it
While driving in him, we have told countless stories and memories
We became best friends and fell in love there

He was there for all the memories
The ones that cannot be bought or sold
Even though he was named with a price
In my mind, he is priceless
A treasure
One of a kind
Even though he was made on a factory line of thousands
*Just like him

Please, fingers that point, blame, and condemn
Never point at me
Because my frame spontaneously collapses
Under your harsh realities

Some call it drama, or gossip, or back talk
That invades and clouds our logic
But as many names as there can be
I still just hate the conflict

It's like a virus that sneaks in
From ***** looks and false faces
Until it is suffocating us from the inside out
It seeps in to tight-knit places

I avoid you, conflict, at all costs
I avoid you like the plague
I avoid your lies and suffering
Until you grab me by the leg

You shake me to the very core
Which is why none at all is too much
But the reason I hate you most of all
Is because of you, I tear myself up

I
Just love
How we fall
In to
And for
Each other
Again and again

As if
Any of those
Times I've had
You before
Would make me less
Want you more

She is captivating:
She is my pet,
She is my fire,
My little nymphet.

Annabel, dearest, of sea-word waves,
Of sandcastles torn down by hungry waters.
Even now, the scepter of my passion
Stands at attention with memory.

As Humbert ages, his desire stays
Grown ladies don’t suffice.
As he dreams of Annabel in sea-word waves,
Nymphets become his vice.

But I am no liar--I am no ******
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, be calm.
And recognize that Humbert’s eyes
See your every qualm.

Nevertheless, she is captivating:
She is my pet
She is my fire
My little nymphet.

"None of us escape this life unscathed"
You told me and I felt
My insides wilt, then cave

"We all break and rust"
But within my Judas body
Was where I laid my trust

Can you fix something
If it's already broken?

I always try to repair
What needs helped

While you
Simply let it go

I beat things to death
Trying to fix them
Maybe I just cause more damage
By trying to force them together
When maybe they were better off falling apart

I pinned my hair in curls tonight
It took an hour or two
But when I wake and undo my work
I'm not dolled up for you

Because the blush on my cheeks
Is not made of powder
The pigment on my skin
Is composed of anger
And contempt for you
Where there used to be love
Is a constant fight
My heart is an open space
An area that I'm not sure
That I want you to occupy
Anymore

You pushed me past my pushing point,
I won't ever let you through
So now don't you see? Reality?
I'm dressed for me, not you.

Gritty, ***** earth
I would make a space
Defined edges and lines
A plant for every place

I would water it daily
Returning from a run
On the way to fetch the mail
Soaking up the sun

Divots in dirt
Turn to flowers in earth
And fruit within weeks
But for all that it's worth

I'd tend to this land
Nurture it with time
All to see you
Pluck fruit fresh from the vine

Trapped inside of geometric shaped walls
With clouds on the ceiling, the paper crawls
Blue skies for square feet
Polka dot bed sheets
Somehow I can't sleep

Fair-prize stuffed animals strewn around
On the shelves, cabinets, and on the ground
Cuddled in blankets with frozen feet
I attempt to find my escape to sleep

But so much is riddled in my mind
That I can't think in a straight line
You're leaving, going, going, gone
What is right when it's all wrong?
You're not here and now I'm not strong
I should have known this all along

You're so much more than I ever told
Now that we have both grown old
We were fists and fights
Wrongs and Rights
Nights and Lights

But we changed and grew to not spat
We are hip to hip instead of *** for tat
So now it's hard to sleep
Counting minutes
Counting sheep
When you're not here, but in Kentucky

I am happy for you
Really, I am
I smile for you and I am excited
When you tell me every modicum
Of how he looked the other day
Or your intentional conversations
But I cannot help but feel inside
Like it soon may be over for you
Like it was for me, it always was
And I never want that for you
I want him to be the one you marry
I really hope for your sake he is
I pray you never have to have your heart broken
I pray you never have to live without him
I pray you never feel rejected
But I know your man is different
You chose the right one the first time

I spent my night with him tonight
Wrapped up in covers
Wrapped up in dreams
He consoled me of all of my troubles
And reminded me that life is not all as it seems

There was some magic tonight
He made me believe in love again
Like when we first were together
Staying out past 2 a.m.
Hiccuping from laughing so hard

The connection we had returned again
And He inspired me
Instead of you, to keep writing

The way he looked at me,
The way he held My hand,
The way he smiled that smile.

You are not my muse anymore
That's why I wanted to give up writing
Because everywhere I turned, you were waiting for me
In every blank Title (optional)
In any poem I read, I found you.

But the freeing thing I realized tonight
By lying in his arms
Is that poetry is what I make of it
I can read a poem about love
And it doesn't have to make me think of you
Because I have so many other wonderful people in my life
I can write about other things than heartbreak and memories
I can write of hope and happiness

So yes, you were the reason I started writing poetry
But that doesn't mean that you should be the reason I stop.

I cannot comprehend why you ask me
What I'm doing a week in advance
I don't even know what I am eating for dinner tonight

And when you tell me that you love me
There is a vulnerability in your voice
An exentuation of the syllables
A focused look in your eyes
Because of the realness and density
Weighing down on that single phrase
As if you were trying wholly
To convince me that you loved me then
But nothing compared to right now
And nothing compared to tomorrow

When you tell me that you love me*
I know that you mean it
I couldn't quite ever before

They say ninety percent of an iceberg's mass is below the surface
If that is so, then think about all the things you do not know.
You could not know about all its underwater purposes
Or of its unknown arctic woes

If this is also true about people, imagine what I don't know about you
You, with all of your fake faces
A stranger that I don't know like I used to
That I searched for in multiple places

But it is not a one-way street
This secretive disguise
It is half way where we must meet,
For you to see what's behind my eyes

Yes, you probably couldn't even recognize me now
If you were ever so inclined
To try to break down the barrier, for you, I have made around
To try to get inside my mind

Then you would really see,
Who I was, and who I am
Because, from you now, I am free
But, to see inside again, you never can

We're too young, we were so serious
What happened?
Like Romeo and Juliet
Someone's going to die here
But I have realized something
If you don't drink the poison
I won't have to stab myself with a daggar

I think it's time to say goodbye
To Hello Poetry completely
It's made me laugh and made my cry
But it hurts me more, secretly

It's my 200th poem and it is the time
To stop writing to a void
To stop rereading poems of love
When I have another choice

My heart keeps hurting with every poem
That reminds me of you and I
So instead of reopening unhealing wounds
I decided to say goodbye

*Goodbye

There is nothing between us anymore
Not even those three yards of cold linoleum
As we walked on opposite sides of the hall
The distance has dispersed and now our silence exists there alone
Not even mused by a dream of further endeavors
There is a dead end plopped betwixt us
I cannot raise my glare to meet yours because I know
Somewhere, deep in my heart
There is nothing there for me anymore

*How can a flame sparked in the damp
Ever survive without being tramped?

I wish I could tell you of every
Passing thought I forgot
To write down
The ones that escape like Bobby pins
On a slick bathroom sink
Oh I wish you could know the same
Every phrase
All those days
That compiled together
Formed the rubber band ball at my center
Able to be stretched three hundred and forty seven miles
And still not snap
I wish you knew
All I thought of you

I don't want to go over there
She is over there
That one that makes a draft
When she enters the room

Where do I sit if she sits on the couch?
Do I make small talk with her?
Do I even say hi?
Will she make a snarky comment at me?

I don't know why I don't like her
Probably because she doesn't like me
She gives me ***** looks
Whenever I say something she doesn't like

Sometimes I see the dark-haired ice queen melt
I see her change from a solid to a liquid
And drip off her exterior
I can see some warmth underneath

But just when I think it is springtime in her palace of snow
Punxsutawney Phil jumps out from his groundhog hole and says
"Six more weeks of winter!"
And we begin the cycle again

Who knows?
I could just be her cycle

Do you agree with me when I propose
Perhaps we did this whole love thing wrong?
Have we done what we said we never would?
Is it just me, or did we?

Did we forget certain promises we made
Pinkie swears with fingers crossed behind backs
Oaths written in blood were just red pen
And now we meet our crossroads

We turned left when the sign read right
We disregarded the map to follow our own devices
Lust swayed us to and fro in moral crises
But yet I loved you so

Fingers wrung with selfish grief, in all our disbelief
We stop and stared as if to ask what is next
But both our minds went blank
So we paused aimlessly

What is next, what is next?
Pacing, racing, pounding chest
Do we leave? I do believe
I can’t see a you without a me

We just fell through, I’ve now come to
The smelling salts have done the done
And now I see, we’re not we
And I can see you’re not the one

Now we’re here, and I do fear
I still feel what lies beneath my shell
My heart beats for you, but I say adieu
Because I still have to love myself

I almost threw up when I saw her
Holding lightly to your arm
I could feel my heart
Rise up in my throat

When I remembered
You aren't mine.

I have no claim over you
You are not mine to love
If you really loved me
You would be here
And if I really loved you
I would be with you

But here we are
Not loving each other

With other people
Living lives separate from our designs
Perhaps this is how it has always meant to be
Perfect predestined love can't be predesigned
By humans with so many fatal flaws

You are the kisser of pigment on my lips
With your entrancing, dancing fingertips
You are the sweet surprise I seek
The strands of hair brushed from my cheek

"I don't like it when you're not around"
The tears welled up and his eyes fell to the ground
It's only temporary, but it stings still
Two years yet, the time alone gives me chills
But as time does, it quickly passes
And as I learn and grow in classes
You will live out your uniquely you dreams
We fall into place, as it so seems
In the end, I hope it's your arms I fit into, and you, mine*
And our love, like I always felt, would be suspended in time

And no I'm not tired, I'm just sad
If you ask so, I don't need sleep
It's too convoluted to bring up
So I plunge it back to the deep

Whispers between telephone lines
Small talk about work and weather
The tone in my voice echoes empty
Tonight shows it to be no better

So why open my mouth brokenhearted
And empty my indecisiveness to you?
I had better just keep quiet for now
Until conclusions come out of the blue

So no, I am not tired, I'm just sad
Sad because we are broken in two
Like two heart halves aching to be fused
But I suppress it and say goodnight to you

She seemed to have the ability to catch his eye
When he walked in to a room, he could feel her presence
She flourished like a daffodil in the spring and I wilted
I sank in to myself and was invisible

He would talk of her like I was not his entirely
Like he did not have my heart on marionette strings
And little by little, with every mention of her name,
He took rusty scissors and snipped at the fibers

He disregarded it all entirely, like I was delusional
Maybe he just wanted to protect me from what he knew I knew
What he tried to bury inside himself and hide behind his stoic mask
That old friend we both knew so well

I sat up and thought to myself countless doubtful days
"What does she posses that I do not? Is my love not enough?"
As much as I envied the way he loved her, there was never a second
That I felt enmity towards this woman that held my lover's attention

It was only a deep longing in my heart to make him feel
Even a modicum of the way she made his heart bloom
To have him run to me and want me in his life
Instead of coveting someone he only claimed to be his friend

In place of hating the other woman, I foolishly tried my hardest
To befriend her, to appreciate the same qualities in her that he did
She even invited me to something so I wouldn't hate him for going
I wish she had known me well enough to know I wanted to be friends

Over the years, I got stronger and wiser, but I still was his fool
The boy I loved so much could never reciprocate those feelings for me
He wandered and I let him go, to go chase what I knew he always wanted
But she did not desire him, and as mean as it sounds, it felt like justice

But time has gone far out in to space, I have lived since him
And she is now where I was, a life's love lost for another
In all of this, my only hope for her, is that she finds the strength
To not hate the other woman even though he loves her

It was not your fault he went away, he was never meant to stay
If it wasn't for you, I would have not known of his incomplete love
Thank you for saving me the agony of living my life with the wrong man
I pray you never give up hope in love and in life
Because someone better will come along exactly when you need them

I am scared that you won't like
The ugly parts of me
The parts I am ashamed of
The parts I try to hide

Somehow they come out so easily
With a single thought or memory
Ironically I'm still an open book
I've revealed it to you, my crumpled heart
Like damaged goods, a cracked plate
Not everything is honeysuckle sweet
There are darker parts to me

I know you are willing
Willing to give me your world
To hand over something profound

I know you would follow me
Wherever I chose to go
If only I chose to let you

If you follow, I'll resent you
If you stay, I'll miss you
But if we were not, I can't say what

In your eyes, I am me
And in mine, I am too
However, your gift gives too much

I'm afraid of taking more than I should
Even though you claim I own it all
I stuck my claim and you won't say no

Don't credit me for more than I'm worth
Don't mistake me for something I'm not
Don't ask me to change the unchangeable

If the world keeps turning longer than our souls keep burning
Perhaps we can't change the tides
With something that can't even change our minds

A flick of the fingers
A snap of the wrist
Launched my shotput
And glided your disc

Familiar faces have changed
You were not the same
But I couldn't help but smile
When you said my name

A smile turned into laugh
A laugh turned to hug
A friendship at first
Bloomed into love

Old scars still stung
But you had been there too
Although it has taken me forever to be okay
I am better with you

Those friendly laughs still remain
The jittery feelings still here
Even though the setting has changed
I still want you near

Your smile, still charming
Your eyes, still calming
You have brought me so much joy
You are my new era, dawning

Boy's got a lot of soul
Classic and breathtakingly old
Makes you tap your toe
Big band swing
With a jazzy glow

Porcelain skin and a tiny frame
She's so lifelike it's surreal
Shirley Temple hair and an English name
Hollow inside, but a shiny seal

Stumbling around Ikea together
For fun on a rainy day, road trip
Admiring things yet to have
Can openers and dish racks
Aisles and aisles of flatware
Fitz and the Tantrums emerges from the ceiling speakers
One of my favorites
I start to sing quietly to myself
As we careen around the displays
I catch you humming to the tune as well
And something just rung in my heart
As the radio intoned
"You were just the right kind,
*Yeah, you are more than just a dream"

I don't prefer music of this generation
The kind that only talks about getting a girl home
Having one night of intense stranger-***
And then what?
What do you say when you are done?
How long do you hold her
Before your arm falls asleep and she almost kicks you off the bed?
Do you give her cab money in the morning?
Do you call her when she gets home?
Those are the problems that those songs don't address

Music used to mean so much more
It was the kind about real love
Real love that you lost
Maybe that's why I like it so much
Because I could listen to it
And actually relate
Instead of imagining myself at a club
With intense music
Where an insanely attractive, yet toxic man walks up to me
And asks if I want to go home with him
What would I say?
"Uh, sir, I can't go home with you until you tell me your credit score..."
Or "Let's make like a fetus and head out..."
No, I'm too socially awkward for this
I can't separate physical attraction and emotions
I'm not good at *** with strangers
Perhaps because I know the dangers of strangers
Or maybe because I know the potential dangers of ***

I listen to the seventies and eighties
That is the age of Billy Joel, ELO, and Fleetwood Mac
The ones that actually loved

Until I slept next to you, I never knew
How soundly I would rest
With your goodnight on my lips
And my head upon your chest

Your distance will fade you away completely*
Hologram Man, your time has come
Hologram Man, you won't leave neatly
But at least I know you aren't the one

I'm glad I didn't waste more time
Waiting for you to reappear
Hologram Man, you were never mine
Hologram Man, you'll disappear

Once I was naive and young
Ready to wait for you to change
Hologram Man, we both know that
You won't unless you accept the blame

Hologram Man, you are a user
Hologram Man, you are so vain
You want her, but you will lose her
Then you'll cry of selfish pain

I'm glad I didn't waste more time
Waiting for you to reappear
Hologram Man, you were never mine
Hologram Man, you'll disappear

Sometimes I see you guys together
And I'm happy for you two
I mean, it seems like she is lovely
And, it seems you're happy too

But if you are so happy
And appearances are true
Then why do you look so sad
Every time I look at you?

Something inside of me broke
I didn't feel the snap
Until the reaction spread
Like a cold pack
Hit against red brick

I lost myself
Inhaling and exhaling
Rapidly increasing
Accelerating
I couldn't stop
Sobbing
Trying to recapture
Composure
Clawing at the wall
Doubled over
Wide eyed

How long it had been
Sitting there alone
Terrified that you heard me
From the other end of the phone

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

I build up these walls around you
Securing my feelings and reasons
But once I see you, my true feelings show through
And I thought that I was in a new season

Brick by brick, I build up and up
My wall of avoidance is unbreakable
But your presence and voice give me no choice
To reveal my heart, unmistakable

When you address me at all, my sturdy, strong wall
Obliterates into crumble and ashes
My hearts skips its beats, I look at my feet
And time seems like it never passes

Why the **** do I love you? It crazy; absurd.
Is it the way you are so out of my reach?
I stumble and tumble around you in fumbles
Without you seeming to know the secrets I keep

You can't see me treading these waters
With a shark just looming below
I swam and I swum, but when I got done
I realized that you'll never know

I'd want you to save me from this hell
I'm sure that after I'd be just fine
But when I look around, I've finally found
The blame for this hell is mine

Hair pony-tailed, tight up against my head
Almost as snug as us, supine in my bed
I am long past drifted
Dreams in and out sifted
Covers covered, pretenses shed

A chill brushed over me, sleepily
Eyes flutter open and admiringly
I gaze at you curled up next to me
Heart filled so full, busting at its seam
You are peacefully breathing, this is no dream

Blankets shuffled to your side
Undesiring to wake you, I quietly confide
"Baby, I'm a little bit cold"
Your eyes pop right open and you promptly fold
Me up in the blankets, you hold me so tight
I wish this is how I could spend every night

"How do you know?"* You asked me
I only looked at you and smiled
*"Because I could see it in your eyes"

My heart tries its best to be numb
Numb from you, numb from this
Blocking out the truth that my head knows
That I'm not allowed to have you

But no matter how much my head knows
And my heart tries so hard to hide
My body always knows what lies inside
And it knows that I want you despite it all

I crave how we melt together in a hug
Your embrace can lift my spirits always
Your strong hands on the small of my back
Massaging away my troubles of the day

I hunger for your touch, intoxicating
Your sweet surrender, I'm helpless
Helpless below the touch of your hand
The way you caressed me always impressed me

I yearn for the way that you looked at me
The way I could feel you felt wholly true
The thoughtful and considerate you
I was just under your spell, can't you see?

And as my heart tries to wake up
And my head tries to level itself
I'm still left exposed at my deepest extent
Due to you, my heart was healed, but now broken and bent

Putting off
Shoving away
Forgetting about
Yet to do
*Procrastination

I apologize for my emotional density
I often worry you don't have time for me
I sit and cry and you watch me, scared
Not sure what to say, rushed, unprepared