If I close my eyes
I can see yours.
If I reach far enough
Into my memory
Perhaps I can feel you
     Laughing
     Breathing
     Speaking
I know our quiet
Gentle moments
Because I have lived them so much more
Than once.

He walks in
                  and the air leaves
                                              my lungs
                                                 and
the room.

It creeps in out of nowhere.
It climbs my spinal cord
Breeching vertebrae after vertebrae.
It slides across my neck
And coils on my shoulder.
It begins to speak
Hissing in my ear
And suddenly I am
Sick with fear.
It begins in my stomach and
It makes my hands shake.
You will never be good enough
It says.
I will never be good enough
I repeat.
I am
    It is
My worst enemy.
It is a shadow
And I can never see the sun.

Sometimes I feel strange
Like I don't exist
And this is all some
Projection of a dream.
Sometimes that terrifies me
And other times
I wish it were true.

Sometimes the world seems so large
And I am so small
It swallows me, indifferent
Leaving this anxiety
Tingling in my spine.
My stomach turns
My hands shake
And the loneliness settles
As a dull ache.
Even my own reflection is unfamiliar
And my own name
Is an unknown language.
It is like being the only one awake
At 3AM
Except it is 7:30PM
And the world still seems
So far away.

You are the sun
And all of the sky.
(You are the stars
They live in your eyes.)
You are gravity, orbit, and space.
(You are matter, energy, and grace.)
You are whispers
Murmurs in darkness.
(You are resolution
A feeling of catharsis.)
You are questions
Quiet and calm.
(You are my heart
It rests in your palm.)
You are spring, summer and autumn.
(You are trees, reaching up from the bottom.)
You are water
Ocean and sea.
(You are sunrise
The only colors I see.)
You are the streets
And all of the lights.
(You are the laughter
Late into the night.)
You are the only thing I can see.
(You are consuming all of me.)

I killed baby birds once.
I was small.
I knocked down the nest.
I did not know what I was doing.
The next morning
The three babies
Were frozen to death
Still huddled together for warmth.
I cried the whole day.
It still bothers me
When I think about it.
What a senseless death
What a waste of life
What a mistake to make.
Maybe that was the first time I realized
How delicate life is.