large, and in charge as I'd like to put it.
chunky, pudgy, fat, plump
however you'd like to say it, however
it is none of your **** business.

I am not a number on a scale
or a mile that I haven't run
I am not the size of my waist
or the "excuses" that have lead me to "let myself go"

But I, am human.
Say what you will
but I love myself.
blonde hair, blue eyes
a sense of humor that can't me measured with something so feeble as  measuring tape.
A love of life that will not be put to rest just because I may need to take a rest every so often.

How do you measure happiness?
not on a scale
or with inches
pounds or calories that seem to sneak up on you in the middle of the night and make your pants a bit too snug

we judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong
we blame society for our corrupt nature,
but we are society.

you wipe off your tears
once again
when they call you downstairs
and you act like you weren’t crying,
as if they’d notice,
they just won’t.
you hug them tight
feeling the same tears almost fall
from your eyes,
but you’re so used to hiding them,
that it feels normal to not show it again,
or yourself,
not ask for help.
keep quiet,
even when you have so much you wanted to say,
but there’s no space for your words,
there’s no space for you.
you’re gonna wake up at night
throw up in silence
and not ask for their help
‘cause you don’t wanna bother.

you’re gonna watch other kids
with their parents
and sometimes think:
“oh, it’s not that bad”,
not that bad is not good enough,
but as much as you wish so,
you can’t change it on your own.

the constant feeling of wanting to disappear
that they don't get.
but it never leaves me.
the thing is:
I don't belong here
I don't recognize my ideas in these people
and no matter what I do
I'll always feel wrong,
incapable of fitting in.
my drunk and drugged
generation
without purpose or values
doesn't represent me,
and actually,
it disgusts me.
these songs and voices
sound so distant
and meaningless to me.
and I know you're gonna call me selfish
for wanting to leave
and abandon everyone here,
but I'm not willing
to give up my soul
and all my wishes.
I'm sorry.
Doing that never made you happy
and it won't make me either.
I'm gonna find somewhere new.
'cause, deep down,
I don't wanna disappear,
I wanna find myself.
and I will travel the whole world
in order to do so.

you tell me that I should fear the world
but I can’t
just don’t want to,
I’ve feared absolutely everything,
even my own shadow,
my whole life
and that hasn’t led anywhere.
Fears paralyses us,
and I’m sick of living paralysed,
stuck here.
I watch you slaved from your fears
and I really really really don’t wanna be like that.

There’s beauty out there, you know?
I grew up, you know?
You want me to be under your roof
but that feels too cold
and I really don’t wanna be alone.
I wish you just wished to see me happy
but that never felt like enough for you.

you use TV
to silence your worries
and I'm terrified that,
by doing so,
you also erase the light
in the back of your eyes.

you drink
when you're too tired
and too stressed
and when everything you don't want
is to be under your own skin.
and I get it.
but i desperatly wanted
that you didn't need it.
I wish I could help you
relieve what you feel.
but I can't.
I'm just so powerless
and I have to sit and watch
in uncomfortable silence
your pain.
'cause nothing I can do
is able to fix it.
and that is what hurts me the most

Your whole life
you had to make yourself small,
quiet,
to bend
and occupy the least amount of space.
You couldn't be a reason of worry,
'cause, after all,
your family just had enough worries.
You believe that your childhood
was so different than mine,
but what you used to do
sounds too familiar to me.
I also have done this,
I got sick because of this,
even if you don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm too good
at hiding stuff from you,
or if you're just too blind for not noticing.

Now, when you realize I'm about to leave,
you accuse me of rush.
You make me feel selfish again
just for wanting to live my own life.

I'm not your priority.
Never was.
And I understand.
They really do need you
more than I do,
but it's still unfair.

You cannot expect me
to stay by your side forever,
in the middle of this mess,
begging for attention.
I'll still be your friend.
I'll still want to tell you
about every thing
that I see and learn.
I'll still be your sense
when you lose yours.
But, I'm sorry
I can't stay trapped here anymore.