JL: Favorites

Mar 2016 JL

Eyes

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Eyes

I know you.
Your colors are lovely

They shine like December's blue snowflakes
Frost liquefies in wake
Beautiful galaxy of pigments
Spiral.
Perfectly Chaotic
Icy black holes pull me
Neverland's star dims

A phone number poem exercise (Have no fear -- this isn't an actual phone number I know).

#poem #eyes #number

Mar 2016 JL

Untitled

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Untitled

The firm chocolate wood I called my own,
The faint scars of age and play,
The peeling yellow I called my home,
is now a foundation of stranger colors.

Each step I take is now surrounded by foreign concrete,
and I will never know it like they will.
The fingerprints of my family stain this alien maze,
but mine are still blindly inside our gutted home.

Loved voices drown out my own,
leaving me frozen with my tongue cut out.
The constant supply of degrading phrases and looks
never fail to put me in my corner of white silence.

"Outsider," whispers the halls.

I was born into a house that doesn't want to hear me.
Have I always been this insignificant?
My safety blanket of peeling yellow only masked the pain that's been infinitely boiling.

depression outsider family

Mar 2016 JL

Users

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Users

I'm a bystander.
An invisible casualty.
I get caught in the wave of destruction
With no siren to warn me,
no life raft to save me.
I'm on my own.

When I drown in the tidal wave of users
I like to pretend a hand plunges for me.
I know it's a lie.
It's just me, pulling for air.
And a piece of me breaks.
Every time.

The dating scene is hard.

#heartbreak #lonely #dating #users

Mar 2016 JL

Ultimatum

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Ultimatum

my connection to words,
the string of abstract thoughts,
has been severed by the scissors of the three sisters.

one word obnoxiously grabs hold,
every day, jamming traffic in my head.
your name is the apocalypse.

I lowered my army of defense,
cleared a path to let you in,
believed your promises to me.

you lied.

#love #sad #hurt #friendship #betrayed #ultimatum

Mar 2016 JL

Monster

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Monster

I finally understand
the meaning
behind those songs.

Lyrics about
wanting
to
die.

The emotion behind
wanting
to
cut.

I am becoming
my inner
monster.

It's always been there,
dwelling deep
inside,

waiting to devour me.

It took control
of my
heart,
my mind, now
my soul.

I hear a whisper
in every cut
across my damaged
skin.

worthless

I see it
invisibly tattooed
in each cut.

In a way,
I've always
known,
chose
not to believe.

I am tired of believing the impossible.

I am worthless.

What's the point in trusting people if all they ever do is hurt you?

#cutting #sad #depression #self-harm #worthless

Mar 2016 JL

Dream

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Dream

I just want to sleep

(find a soft patch of grass
surrounded by nature
the only light coming from stars
and a big bright moon
cocoon myself in the warmest blanket
close my eyes
slow my breathing)

and dream forever.

#suicide #sad #lonely #depressed

Mar 2016 JL

Weeks

Mar 2016 JL

Autumn

Weeks

I pulled the door open, prayed.
Hoped I wouldn't see your smile
bright and shiny behind the tile.

My breath died a moment, when I
heard my name in your voice,
my feet had to make a choice.

My eyes closed and I walked.
You small talked me,
as you stirred sugar in my coffee.

You asked about my weekend,
how Natalie's hangover faired.
My true feelings were dared.

"You want to know how I'm doing? I am
Livid.
Depressed.
Scared.
Distraught.

"I trusted you, Matt. You promised me! I BELIEVED YOU!

"Good-bye."

My eyes opened and I walked.
You small talked me,
as you stirred sugar in my coffee.

You asked about my weekend,
how Natalie's hangover faired.
My true feelings were spared.

"Thanks for the coffee."

I trusted too much.
Barricaded too late.
It's my fault.

I thought you were the exception,
but who am I to believe
any one would choose me?

He doesn't care. He lied.

#heartbreak #sad #depressed #alone #screaming #ultimatum