I know this sweet scent,
It comes from your timber hair,
This euphoria.

Two wings on her back,
Shredded by a devil,
Healing in safety.

Love is a harsh word,
It causes so much hatred,
Unbalanced feelings.

I once compared knights,
Walking among the armor,
Wings crushed by my fear.

This freedom so great,
Weightless as the air we breathe,
Never a soul like you.

A soul like that boy,
Impossible to amend,
He has no mind still.

A ghost parading,
Traversing with no good thoughts,
Only a black fire.

My levity; you,
A cherub, my shield,
I love you, Angel.

Right here, on this ground,
A war unseen, a retreat,
An open defense.

Unguarded, weakened,
I lay in this angel’s arms,
My only support.                                -Marshall Hiatt, February 2013

I've described myself as
A conglomerate of hands and arms
Reaching out and grabbing
At everything within reach.
Constantly reaching and searching for more,
For the answer
For comfort or love or knowledge,
Or any abuse to make me forget about
This ****** up world and my ****** up psyche.
Hands, grabbing, reaching
Never being grasped.

So sorry, my blue eyed beauty,
So sorry, my wonderful flame,

I’m bleeding, Can’t breathe,
My heart, Doesn’t beat,

Understand, Isolate me,
Step back, Please just see,
I loved you,


So sorry, I let you down,
So sorry, I let it die,

I’m burning, Third degree,
My eyes, Just can’t see,

Understand, Drown it out,
Watch, listen, Drag it down,
    Forgive me,


I can’t feel any joy,
I don’t see myself,
Was it just a game,
Please save yourself,

Heart stopped dead,
No breathing here,
Hands drenched in blood,
I broke my mirror,

Understand, Let it out,
Please just see, and try to breathe,

Without me, You’ll be better,
No room to see, Please come clean,


So sorry, I let you down,
So sorry, Can’t see you out,

So sorry, I let you down
So sorry, I can’t be you now.

-June 16th 2013

How much can I write,
Without saying too much.

I’m sitting here alone.
This empty car lot.
Another heart broken.
No preconceptions.
Nobody to point the way.
I need to break all the rules.
I need to beat the system.

I need to stop crying.
And stand up.
Shout out for her.
She is out there.
I can feel it.

For now,
    We have fun.

Nature learns and teaches,
But there are natural laws,
They govern all who slither,
Shamble, glide and walk.

During development,
These laws may bend, break,
May teeter and sway,
But the law is nature's make.

One will always return
To the rules we are bound,
The encompassing, unwavering,
Even the profound,
Nature without personal sin.
Nature within.

Do you pretend that pain does not exist,
That my presence is irrelevant?
Maybe it is not pretend for you.

I'm here looking up at your shadow as
You walk over me and walk alone
In San Diego. The city of my youth my home
Away from home.

You are, that city, my heart away from my heart.
Beating and ebbing as the waves on the sand,
The arteries ache and stretch with the breath of my distaste,

I feel something with you gone.

And with you here. But that's not now because you're there,
Healing and skating and smoking with strangers
And taking pictures to remember being 19
in the tunnels
like the veins heading away from me.

19 lines to describe what eye feel when you ignore
Something you said was unique.

******* Anne. I ache.

No book,
No dream,
No painting,
No recording,
No monologue,
No sermon,
No text,
No sound,
No taste,
No light,
No color,
No person-

Could prepare me to meet the love of my life.

I want her to kiss me as she would a lover,
And love my body as she would a lover,
And hold me as she would a lover.
And call me "Lover,"
And drape herself over me,
And examine me from inches away.

I want her to look into my irises and say
                 "You have a triangle speck of your deep brown which pierces your pupil,"
And I will kiss the tip of her nose say
                 "You are the first to notice. I love you."
And she will smile and we will embrace and give in.

We would not be lovers, just.
People who make passionate body connections and care for the other.

I cannot love.

Like butterfly wings, her eyes,
Flapping.
Every blink a gust.
Every thread a hue.
Searching for scents,
A new flower or two.
Or
Just one.

It's always my pain which makes me cry.
But tonight it's yours.

Bloodshot** eyes and hurried words,
Keeping me awake,
But that sleep was peace,
Completely liberated,
Closure.

-May 30th 2013

This charcoal paint
He draws himself an anti-saint
The cross on his face makes way for worthless thoughts and glares
He takes his pain and less mundane
Makes art.

Sacrifice the bowels of animals and coat this ground with dirt and blood of goat
Say the worst of me
I am the worst of me.
Dagger, no- knife of surgeon, scalpel doctor
Lector no cannibal, Hannibal I cut,
And slice and stab and FEEL
I FEEL
GOD I FEEL you!
I feel your cells tearing, schism of church my blade makes works of Raphael and Michelangelo
The Adam finger of my hardened steel makes contact with your God,
GOD
I
FEEL
YOU.

Creation of Man, creation of this man on this earth,
I give my ribs to you,
I cut them from my chest.
And make one *** into two ***,
I make our ***.
Your ribs make my ***-
X! Out my eyes, I am dead,
Slain by thoughts and feel
Slain by day come next after you and I make
TEXT unreal, unnecessary, unneeded
I need not capture my lance of piercing Christ
Destiny not speaking to me in words,
My blood speaking words which turn thoughts of water
Into wine,
You are my Christ
And like Romans, I will pierce you with my spear
Pierce and tear my surgery and tactful share of shaft
Into your ribs as John (19:34) had claimed.

Claim you and shame you for being the true daughter of God.
My savior on cross,
Veronica's veil, placing your Jesus on my face
I will memorize the runes in this literature
With the nerves in my skin,
My charcoal skin.
Paint the flesh on my blood lips with your wine,
So sweet and finely fermented water
I will alter your purity into eternity,
I will copy down the bible.
I will be your Peter and John.
And hope not I am our Judas
Pray only good fortune to us
And we may slash and tear these days away.
Slash and tear and share our ribs and cross,
Indulge in your fruit of knowledge and Eden.
God is dead but we don’t need him,
We have you.

Adam made one *** two.

Seven minutes.
I guess that's what I spent outside today.
Seven minutes to smoke at a church
And violate it twice.
First with ***
Now with ash.

Ashes I shed
And how sad it has been
Alone.

I started doing new things
Maybe hoping that you would start caring.
Or maybe that they would **** me
And I could just stop beating.

Stop my heart. My loud heart.
Stop the hurt. The alone.

Stop beating
Stop beating

STOP BEATING
STOP BEATING.

breathe









I never really feel okay.
I'm not sure what I need,
But I'm pretty sure I'll never get it.
Seven minutes in heaven.
It's like there is no message.
I'll never get it.

Ironic I was begging a day ago,
Feeling the winds shift around,
But somehow I knew you’d show,
And attempt to dampen my sound,

I knew you’d uncover that husk,
I knew you’d sing some new lie.
Instead of prepping, I was having fun,
And when I read that line,
    I thought I’d die.

I thought you were gone months ago,
But I knew I was ******* wrong,
Somehow I knew the monster’d show,
And for some reason, I’m writing this song,

What makes you think you can barge in,
What makes you think I’ll even notice,
You should know when I spoke of skin and sin,
Your husk of black was not the focus,
    You’re so ferocious.

Comparing yourself to angels is low,
    Even for you,
Decomposing such beauty is low,
    Even for you,
And noticing my poem is low,
    Even for you,
But I’ll always stand tall when I’m low,
    Even when it’s against you...
CAUSE I’M STRONGER
    THAN THE OTHERS!
YOU WON’T BREAK ME,
    I CAN’T BLEED!
TURN AND WALK AWAY,
    WHY MUST YOU STAY?!
IT’S OVER CAN’T YOU SEE,
    LEAVE ME BE!

I Hope You Run With Scissors, I Hope You Stub Your Toes, I Hope You Spill Your Glass Of Milk.

-July 17th 2013

Some nights when I lay alone, awake,
I dream of you,
And my lungs emit an echo,
Like a dog missing his master,
I moan for you,
It’s like crying,
With no sound.
It’s like dying,
With no blood.

I crave the texture of your skin,
The color of your eyes,
    Even if I can’t see them at night,
It’s enough to know you’re there.

But I long for you,
And I hear the sound of my blood-
        Beating.
Because the flesh in my chest is dragged in your compass,
And the blood in my body is dragged to your presence,
And the hands at my side are dragged to your essence.

I miss you.

-July 20th 2013

Some nights when I lay alone, awake,
I dream of you,
And my lungs emit an echo,
Like a dog missing his master,
I moan for you,
It’s like crying,
With no sound.
It’s like dying,
With no blood.

I crave the texture of your skin,
The color of your eyes,
    Even if I can't see them at night,
It’s enough to know you’re there.

But I long for you,
And I hear the sound of my blood-
        Beating.
Because the flesh in my chest is dragged in your compass,
And the blood in my body is dragged to your presence,
And the hands at my side are dragged to your essence.

I miss you.

I still dream of that first love,
    That perfect composition of black and white and blue eyes to freeze the sun.
I still dream of the second confusion,
    That flowing figure who had too much fun with life even though she cut.
I still dream of that third promise,
    Those two eyes of lightning storms and a smile to quiet the loudest gun.

Three strikes,
     the third was the charm,
          but the lock on my charm bracelet fell off,
               the luck ran out.

There's this sort of guilt I feel for moving on,
From straying from the past.
One day she was gone, just silence,
I didn't know how long it'd last.

I moved on, mentally, physically, emotionally,
And yet I think
About her and her voice and I think about
How she would sing.

I'm sorry I've found love,
I'm sorry I'm happy here,
I'm sorry I had to move,
I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

It hurts, I know, but we can grow.
That's the human condition.

And I hope and pray that you can move
Past this great division.

We cannot measure the nights we have,
Until they're all up,
Each beat of heart could be your last,
And fade you into dust.

So why do we fret over the smallest bauble,
And fight about it all,
Why close our ears when pain is audible,
Not answering the call.

From ashes to ashes we all circulate,
And search for meaning,
This sense of dread we can all relate,
We all have this needing.

So fight nought with your brother,
We are the same flesh,
Embrace the sameness of each other,
Embrace this human mesh.

My stomach growls out loud,
But my heart moans silent.

Maybe I was thinking of a little arson,
Maybe I wanted to burn that house,
And the memories it holds,
Packed away in their heads.

Maybe I thought grim thoughts,
Maybe it was my only mind,
But then you showed up,
And put my conscious to rest.

Maybe I still hate,
Maybe I still need closure,
Like the frays on a woven rope,
Untied endings still haunt.

I know my path will cross,
But When it comes,
I know I’m safe,
I know I’m with you,
Like a wall of steel,
You protect me.

-July 9th 2013

Tonight,
“Goodnight” followed with love.
     In my head at least.

I could love you if we tried,
I really think I could,
But I think right now,
I don't really think we should.

I'm trying not to,
I'm trying to ignore the urge to say I love you,

Less and less of it every day,
But those memories won't go away.

I thank god that you showed up,
I'm glad I found you with my luck,
And I'm glad we loved each other for a week,
But I'd really rather just remember that ****,

That night, those days,
My heartbeat and yours
No regret.
None.
And society will call me a *****
And I will laugh and say
"I loved her."
"I really did."
And it will not be a fib.

I want to ask for her company,
But that would be too much.

I'm alone on a holy day,
Staring at my new scars.

I like them. I really do.
I like the cross they form.

Unintentional, of course.
How can you plan two lines to meet,

Over one year apart.

After I asked her

Would you come to my funeral?
Would you wear black all day?
Would you mourn me at all?

Or maybe it’s fleeting,
Your needing, our leading,
It’s seething, I’m bleeding,

The painting of a morgue,
My body on a table inside, checked all over for his cuts,
Accused of ******* ******,
And using their bodies, for all of his worst intentions,
His cold lifeless corpse still needs warmth, still needs someone,

Where are you,
Why aren’t you here,
You say you’re fine, you say you laugh, you say everything’s good,
I cry, why don’t you care, I need you please, I need all of your warmth,
Please keep me dry, my cold tears, they all fall, they cover my warm clothes,

It’s winter, it’s freezing, I’m stuck out in the cold,
It’s thawing, I’m gnawing, I’m craving someone’s meat,
It’s yours, I need you, I need to know you still care,

Don’t waste your time. And please, don’t waste mine.

A heart could tell a lot of it could talk,
But my heartbeat could tell you just as much.
It tells me that I have anxiety,
And that I do not know how to calm down.

My lungs could tell a lot if they could talk.
I hear the air but not the flesh itself,
I hear the pain, the scare, the ache inside,
I hear the lack of any laugh at all.

My brain could tell a lot if it could talk.
"My mom left me when I was ten years old,"
"My dad is an alcoholic *******,"
"I have a future unlike both of them."

***
+
Tyrannosaurus Rex

She twitches,
I assume out of subconscious fears,
When she's falling close to sleep.

I realize now
The full efforts of what she's been trying to tell me
She is honestly
Struggling.

But that single day was near perfect,
And she kissed me more than she had in over a week,
But not once on my mouth.

What use is it to satisfy what your desire
If you actually don't.

And leave my thoughts disoriented by the fact that
He exists.

Last night,
Home,
I was searching for my peace,
That peace was your presence until he interjected
And I swear it will be this way until
You find some closure.

And by god,
I hope it is not I whom you sever.

I'm sorry if I'm not willing to just tell you that I think about ******* suicide every ******* day and I hate every ******* person in our school and I want to sleep through all of my class periods and that the other night I was on that road by the refinery going 75 in a 30 mph zone and I thought about just turning the car into a wall.

I'm sorry that I have to talk to 21 a year old clerk I barely know to regain my sanity and not break down and just run away to Idaho.

Jami is my golden thread, and my only thread. I am hanging on by a golden thread.

Three tons of weight just, dangling.


Help me by not helping me. Only one person can help me.

Nobody helped me when I was struggling with suicide years ago. I helped myself. That's who I am. A self helper. I need to be alone to become Marshall again.

I can hear the song that I was to write, but words don't describe music well.

I’d starve but I’m always hungry.
I’d hate if I could learn to stop loving.
I’d cut if my knife was sharp enough.
I’d create if I wasn't being destroyed.
I’d forget if I could look forward.
I’d live my day like my last but I know it isn’t.
I’d make time if I had any.

But I don’t.
And I can’t.
And I won’t.

I’d not have these feelings if I wasn’t so alone.
*But I am.

I dream of *** with pale girls,

It's honest and it's true,
Some nights I lay awake and only think of you,
My dreams don't come when I'm asleep,
They often come at day,
Sometimes they come while I learn,
Sometimes when I should pray,

I dream of white, soft flesh,
Her black hair's contrast soothing,
I think of how you may not approve,
If I did all the moving,

I don't know how to end these mirrors,
And they don't come all too often,
But I know that if I look too long,
My apathy won't soften.

It's wonderful.
You finally respond.
You smile and things are normal again.
I don't have to wait anymore.
You don't hate me.
I exist.
You do too.

And then I wake up.

I drew a heart on paper because
**** you can make it beat.
Really, you terrify me.

Eos was the titan of the dawn,
And that's where I am now,
Here at the beginning of my life,
Entering a healthier state,
Relying on myself.

The days are long in this summer hell,
Outside it burns like sulfur,
Never
Pleasing those who love the
Engulfing darkness.

Remember that I write to please myself
Because I don't care about the masses, I
Care
About
Us.

Silly
Excuses.

I feel young again around these girls,
This constant attention,
Playing the dating game.

Wooing and flirting and wanting,
I feel like I'm eighteen,
Which is convenient because I am.

It feels so nice to have no strings pulled,
I am liberated from concrete
And allowed to be me again.

Watch out ladies,
Here I come.

Let me be miserable.

You said I was the best.
You said I was perfect.

Then the spice must flow.

I like to go to hell sometimes
And take a look around.
I like to see the suffering
And watch blood fall on ground.

I like to look at my old scars
And see the cuts I've made.
I like to reminisce so deep
That I can feel the pain.

I like to sit and stare at space
And count all my regrets.
I like to see if I can catch
All of the worst events.

I like to say the names of ones
Whom I desire the most.
I like to think that they are here
And haunt me like a ghost.

I like to miss their sweet smiles
Because they moved away.
But most I like to make regrets
And mourn them every day.

"AH **** she's beautiful! My heart's going to explode!"

I can’t sleep,
When I crave company.
I can’t eat,
When I crave warmth.
I can’t see,
When I crave you.

I got some tasty tea today
All the way up North,
My Humma Connie brought me it,
And that has no worth.

My favorite is one I requested on a morning in the summer when I went to the library too early and they weren't open yet, so I waiting in the parking lot and she was just barely waking up and I asked her for a photo and she said she was ugly cause it was morning and she wasn't ready at all, but I kept asking and so she did. She sent me a photo of her in bed, sleepy as hell and it is the best photo I've ever seen. The joy that photo brings me is immeasurable. It comes from a time when life was perfect, it comes from a perfect source, who I loved perfectly.

I would give anything to be with her.

Fortunately

But none of them can be heard.

Every time I awake from slumber,
I glance around my room,
Expecting to see you here.

I sleep with my door unlocked.
*You know this.

Recklessly waving my ribcage like some paper prize for all to see,
I can't quite see what I think,
I trust my gut too much and follow a trail unnamed, untamed, unfeigned.

It's offensive; being pensive and walking slowly, defensive.
It is not my right to gain her sight without giving something in return.
I have nothing to give, when will she learn.

I am a pauper, improper.
I am an author, a stalker,
A talker.

I have words and letters,
The bird's feathers,
But I cannot fly.

I've tried.

To the phantoms and fakers tucked away in my skull,

JUST GO!

To the haunters and creepers tucked away in my brain,

JUST GO!


Pack up your bags,

Take the bus closest,

Go somewhere high,

Throw over a rope,


With that ****** rope,

Pull yourself down,

Below the surface water,

And please,

        Drown.


And while you’re in hell,

Please do remember,

Hiding behind that shell,

Toying with the kind souls,


And I hate you cause,

When you broke that seal,

You became special,

A special kind of,

Evil.


-July 14th 2013