You are a vital medicine to me,
A forever addicting drug on my brain.
You are wholesome,
You are psychotic,
Everything I don’t but do need.

A reflex is what I call you,
An immediate, involuntary response,
In any situation although
Not always wanted,
But appreciated yet hated in hindsight.

I often wonder,
In sleep deprived daydream,
If I supply an isolated but overwhelming
Suffocation in your changing mind,
Like you have so rudely overtaken mine.

Forget, forget, words of a man tortured by pain,
But you linger,
A lonely *****, begging for time,
Yet when you receive it, you only push
Your desires away.

You pushed me away and I can’t return,
But a memory is imprinted in the folds of my life.

I knew she was like water, she'd probably wish to be compared to a sea but she was more like a lake. Still, calm, never moving without an outside force.

But still I loved her. Her calming waters soothed my wounds and her reflective surface forced me to see myself the way I am. But still she never moved. I could ripple her surface, make her waters splash upon new sides of her shores, but in doing so I watched in somber wonder as she washed the people in her shallows up upon her banks, sore and bruised down to their hearts, and neither would reach for the other, trapped in the curse of stillness.

She assured me she loved me, she assured me I'd always stay in the deepest depth of her heart. And yet slowly, what was once a depth so warm and vast, I found my toes grazing the bottom, and every time I did I tried to swim back, back to where the water was endless, bottomless, yet never could I stay there long. Other people were causing wakes, and fighting against them was becoming difficult, for I am not the strongest swimmer.

I began to wonder whether I was still welcome, for her silences were getting longer, her ripples I could cause we're so much smaller, and in my self doubt those wakes moved me ever closer to the shore, and with each step I could take full footed along the bottom I began to sob.

I tried curling myself into a ball in those shallows, tried to allow the water to cover my head and tell myself I still mattered. But the water here was so frigid, my lips began to turn blue and my lungs burned. I'd return to the surface and take long breaths and use them to scream silently.

From where I stood, the water only knee deep I saw the figure of a man at her center, and as he raised his arms my scream became caught in my throat, and as his arms slammed upon her surface I saw the wave come rushing toward me, the longer it moved the more it grew and I said silently to myself "this is the end."

In those surreal seconds I remembered the others, and was reminded of her stillness, and in those horrible moments I knew I was nothing anymore, just another piece of useless trash to be lying upon her shore.

my mind is made of medicine
I forget to take my doses
and suddenly everything is chaos
looking in the mirror is horror
feeling emotions again is unbearable
and I remember why I need
the maximum dose
of this ******* anti-psychotic
and I remember why I was thrown
in the mental hospital
and I remember what it's like
to dissociate
and I remember what it's like
to come back from that
or have brief moments of clarity
only to be drowned in confusion
and suffocated by delirium
and I remember what it's like
to not want to exist
and I remember what it's like
to feel meaningless
and I remember what it's like
to have to pretend
and I remember what it's like
to hit a dead end

I said I was okay,
                and another person was deceived.